3 YEARS AND COUNTING!!!!

Three years ago, I made THE HARDEST life changing decision ever, to better my life. People say that "when god closes a door he opens a window". That quote never really meant a lot to me until that day. I was once again laying in bed after taking my daughter to school, and wondering if I'll ever get out of the "pit" I was living in. I wasn't happy, I was completely depressed. I wanted to end my life, but the thought of my daughter living with out me was the reason I didn't end it. I called my cousin and asked her for help. Until this time, no one in my family knew that I had a problem with drugs. They knew I was seriously depressed, they just didn't know how to ask me what was wrong. She completely dropped everything to meet me at Ogden Regional Medical Center. I walked through the doors at 1:20pm that day. I had just had my last oxycontin and xanax. I was shaking because the fear of going through withdrawls was terrifying!! The only reason I stayed is because I didn't want to ask my boyfriend for more money for more drugs.
When I asked my cousin what I should bring with me she said "things of comfort" like books, cd's, etc... When I got down to my room 6 hours later, the nurse took everything away. My cell phone, my cd's even my toothpaste, and mouthwash. The only reason she let me keep my book is because it was Harry Potter, and she didn't think that would cause any problems. So there I was without a phone, and my music. (anyone who knows me, knows that I have to have my music) By this time, I'm in withdrawls. BAD. I'm shaking, I'm sick, I'm ready to walk out the doors and call it quits. The nurse then gave me some medication to help with the withdrawl symptoms.
I really don't remember the next 5 days. I don't know if I mentally blocked it out because of the pain I was in, or if because I have a habbit of blocking out painful memories. I'm not sure. I do remember a couple things. I cried for the entire first 24 hrs of being there. I didn't eat for 4 days except a couple bites of my food here and there. The one thing I do remember with perfect clarity is this old man (Big AL) that was there for alcohol. He sat up with me for the entire first night and talked to me. I don't know how old he was, all I know is that his wife brought him in because of his drinking. The conversation is way too long to put on here that I had with this man. I can tell you that he said a lot of things to make me think about with my life. The most important was, "don't push your family away like I have". He ended up leaving the next day, and 2 days later I received a letter from his wife telling me that he passed away. That was the first death I had to deal with in my journey through this trial. At one point in my detox I asked my nurse if I could call someone to come give me a blessing. At first she was kind of rude and told me that "no one will come because it's conference weekend". I argued with her for a long time on that one. I wanted to call my mom's bishop, and my nurse wouldn't let me because of the bishop's conference that day. So in the end I called my brother. He came within an hour. At this time I wasn't allowed any visitors. So when I saw my brother, I grabbed a hold of him and didn't want to let go. Not even long enough to let him give me my blessing. I was shaking so bad, I couldn't hold still. I finally sat down and let him and the family member he brought with him give me my blessing. I'm not sure if the presence of my brother brought comfort, or if the blessing did, or both. I'm pretty sure both. I don't know if he will ever realize this, but he is such a role model to me. He is so strong, and so sure, that sometimes to this day, I just want to go and wrap my arms around him, and tell him I love him. Sometimes I try. After the blessing was done, I gave my brother a hug, and again, I didn't want to let him go. After he left, I knew I could finish with my detox.
After my detox, my family and I decided that I needed to go through the 28 day program. That meant going in at noon and leaving at 9pm. Every day until I graduated. My mom is such a wonderful person. She has done SO much for me that I know I'll never be able to thank her. I know that as long as I am happy and healthy, it's a start. For the first week of me being released from detox I know that she didn't sleep very much. She would wake up in the morning, take me and my daughter to Bountiful so my daughter could go to school, then take me to the center for my program. (At the time, I was telling my daughter that I was going to classes to make me a better person. That was how I justified lying to my daughter. I eventually told her everything.) After my daughter got out of school, she would go pick her up, and take her either home, or to my apartment until I got out at 9pm. (this is because I wasn't supposed to drive because of the medication I was still on for the withdrawls) After the first week, I decided that I would try driving on my own. I remember the first time I got behind the wheel after not driving for so long. I was terrified. The anxiety was so incredible, I almost pulled over and started crying numerous times. (I know this is scattered, but anyone who knows me, will understand that this is the way my brain works). After being in the program for a couple days, they told me that in order to "graduate" I had to work the 12 step program. At the time, I thought "piece of cake". I was SO wrong. The 12 step program is an old program that was used for alcoholics. It is now used for addicts also. This program is there to help you see where your problems are and how to fix them. At the time I thought this is bs, why should anyone have to go through this? Now I can look back, and see that when I actually put my heart and soul into the program, it worked for me. To this day I still use the 12 step program.
While I was in the program, I met some wonderful people. Especially my counselor Rick. I will never forget the man who made me think about me. Who helped me understand that I am my first priority. That if I'm not taking care of myself, how can I take care of anything else, including my daughter.
During my 28 days in the program, I lost a couple friends. People I got to know very closely. Both of them we lost because of addiction.
I eventually graduated, and moved on to the aftercare program where once a week, you go in to a "group" therapy. After a year, I didn't like the fact that every week someone came in and had "re-lapsed". I eventually started going to AA meetings almost every day, and made it through the 2nd year with those, and stopped going to aftercare.
I am so proud of myself for making it 3 years!! As I sit here and try to think about how I can possibly express my gratitude for everyone who has been a positive influence in my life, the only thing I can think of is to let people know about my experience. Let them know that it IS possible to conquer addiction. It's a daily struggle, but you just have to make it through the day. Don't worry about the next day until it gets here. If something comes up that you can't handle, give it over to your "higher power".
Kody, thank you for all your endless love and strong support. I love you with all my heart.
My Mom, my Dad, my Sister & her Husband, my Brother & his wife.... I love you. Thank you. You will never understand how much I look up to all of you.
My Cousin, thank you for taking on another weight on your already heavy load. I love you.
With all my heart and all the gratitude I have, I want to tell my family that I love them with all my heart. My daughter is my light at the end of my tunnel. She has helped me through so much in her little girl life so far just by being my "lil butterbean". My friends are irreplaceable. I wouldn't of made it through any of this part of my life without any of you. Thank you to all of you. I love you all.

Another day in the life of.....

I know that life can be complicated at times, and people come and go, but seriously? In the past month I have met wonderful people, and I have met people I chose to forget. I will never understand why people have the need to lie about their lives to get attention. Are their lives just boring and they need to spice them up? I guess it's just a "emotional" thing for acceptance. I have taken a long look at my life in the last 3 yrs. In 6 days I will have been "sober" from oxycontin for 3 years!! Yay to me, right? After all that I put myself through in those years before I realized that I wasn't living the life I wanted, I needed to change. I still remember the day I got out of detox. My mom took me to her house up in Morgan. When I got out of the car, I turned and looked at the mountain and saw with watery eyes the beautiful fall colors. Literally my eyes started to water from the vibrancy of the colors on the trees. I realized at that point in my life, I NEVER wanted to become numb again. So here I am 3 yrs later, and still have kept strong. So I guess I'll top this post off with my prayer I wrote when I was in the program.
A Prayer For Me...

My Dear Keeper,

My loss, my lonely, my mistakes, my bad, my broken, all my should haves left unspoken, are all yours now. Surround me with your comfort and your love. My will is yours. All my problems, all my insecurities are in your hands. I'm just going to make it throught this minute, I'll worry about the next one when it gets here. I can't, You can, It's yours.

Thank you for giving me this life. I know I have complained and acted un-grateful. I now see that you never put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle. I know now that this is my test, my journey. I know that you are there holding my hand.

My wings are still new. I know that you will be there when I take flight into a new area of my life.

Thank you for my guardian angels. I say angels because I know there are more than one. I can feel their love and comfort for me.

Carry me home as the sun kisses the window sill and as I drink my second cup of pity me, you will prove the miracle.

When I stray, I know you will be waiting to guide me back. When I forget, I know you will remind me. When I hurt and when I fall, you will be there to hold me with loving arms. When I laugh, I know you will be there with your warm smile. When I reach for the stars, I know you will be there to lift me up. When I fear, I know you will be there to comfort me.

I'm still learning how to fly. I know you are the wind that will carry me.

Thank you for your unconditional love for me.

My love is yours to keep.

Never again will I forget the trials I have been through, and hopefully, hopefully, I can help others to know that addiction is a daily battle, and everyone needs a little help every now and then.

Counting stars last night reminded me that I am not ready for the cold, but I have to accept that life has it's own little cycle. You can either enjoy the ride, or you can try and keep it from spinning around. I would much rather enjoy the ride.