Don't Put A Label on ME!!

From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til ya make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care anymore.

It's funny to think that in the past all I ever worried about was what people thought of me. My own self-worth was counted on their opinion of who and what I was.

It's amazing that starting school has done more for me in the past couple of weeks, than I ever though it would. The classes that I have are truly amazing classes. My Strategies class is to teach me how to accept who I am and to be proud of it. My Ethics class is to teach me about my own morals and the morals of the world. My Psychology class is teaching me how other people act, and how I can accept their behaviors. My Public Speaking class is teaching me how to let go of the fear of being center of attention. In each of my classes I have learned SO much already, and it's just beginning...

I noticed in almost all my older posts, I have mentioned meeting new people, some good, some I wish I could forget that I ever met them. Again, I am posting on the people I have met in the last little while. There are some truly amazing people out there, and in the last little while, I have met a good portion of them. I think that no matter the situation, the only way you can move on in life is to look at the person as a whole, not as an outward appearance. I have always thought that the true person lies inside of the shell, I now know that this is true. I just hope that others will give me the same and get to know me before they judge me.

In the past I have been so insecure that it has completely destroyed my past relationships. Whenever a relationship didn't work, the first thing I said was, "what is wrong with me?" When in reality, I should of just realized that it just didn't work out. It wasn't necessarily something I did, or something that he did. It just didn't work out. Finally I have it figured out that no matter how much I like the guy, if he doesn't want what I want, I can't keep stressing about it not working out, and just move on. Sometimes being a friend is better than nothing.

I haven't been able to go out and count stars a whole lot lately, mainly because of the weather, and second, because the trampoline got hit with a huge tree, and hasn't been fixed yet. I know that summer is on it's way with the way the weather has been behaving. At least I have that to look forward to. So even though I haven't seen my stars a whole lot lately, it doesn't mean I don't realize that they are there for me, no matter the situation, they will always be there for me. Just like my friends and family. Even those who have become important parts of my life lately. I love my stars, just as I love my friends and family. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have them.

Love life to the fullest, and enjoy the rewards of a happy fulfilled life, full of love.

When It's Too Cold....

I was asked the other day why I haven't been typing on my blog. I honestly think that it's because it's too cold outside, and I get most of my inspiration from counting stars. It's amazing what can happen in a couple of months. I have met more wonderful people, and honestly it took me a minute to relax and smell the snow.

I was talking to someone very close to me, and we were talking about how far I've come in almost a year. I had no clue who I was when I pulled my head out of the water. I don't know if I ever really did know who I was, but I always have that quote "fake it til you make it" in my head. I don't think I need to fake it anymore. If you don't like me for who I am, then leave.

I have had people tell me that I'm too abrasive. I'm not, promise. I'm just honest. One of the human's hardest emotions to deal with is humiliation. I am amazed on a daily basis on how many times I see humiliation and how people try to ignore the fact that they've been humiliated by their own behavior. Instead they try to blame what ever the situation is, on someone close by. Unfortunately, I've been that close person one too many times. I'm done!

Every year on New Year's, I make a resolution to myself to make one thing better in my life. I figure since I have an entire year, why not? This year I decided to break my own tradition, and not make a resolution. Why? I don't really know why. I've always reached my old resolutions. I think since last year was such a terrible year, I'm not looking to repeat it any time soon. I finally agree with the saying "time heals all wounds" but I sure wouldn't miss those wounds at all if they chose to no longer visit me.

I may not go to church every week, but I do believe in a "Higher Power". I have realized that the times when I thought my heart couldn't take any more, there was always someone there. I have never been alone in my entire life. And I thank God for that. The heart and the brain are both very powerful. The heart can take the most brutal hit, stab, etc... and still be able to function. The brain can help the heart through those tough times. The brain is what tells your entire being, who you want to be, and how you want to go about being that person. The brain can make you either happy or sad, help you through an important test, etc. I think the most important things my brain has succeeded in doing are, making it so I can cope with loss, and making it so I can conquer addiction.

Once again you have had to deal with my sporadic brain. I don't apologize. If you don't like how scattered my thoughts are, don't read my blog. I'll still love you anyway. And I know this one is short, but my brain is telling me it's time to go to sleep.

I actually went outside tonight with my 3 comforters, my heat blanket, and laid down on the trampoline (thank god it was mostly dry) to count stars. It was pretty cold, but it was worth it. I missed my stars. Just like I missed me. I finally found myself, and I am damn proud with who I am. I learn new things every day, and those are the life lessons that make me who I am.