Maybe, Just Maybe...

So I have now hit my 3 1/2 anniversary. Honestly I never knew I would make it this far. I think that if I had to do it all over again, I would still make the same decisions. Only because those decisions made me who I am today.

I understand that I still have character defects, and I want to thank my friends for pointing them out to me. It's a lot easier to see those problems and try to fix them, than to not know they exist, and never fix them. I have been told recently by a sweet friend, that I spend way too much time on my phone. This is so true. I rely entirely too much on my phone for comfort. Up until recently, I always thought that if my phone wasn't ringing or a text coming in, I wasn't important. I have realized that the importance has to come from me first. Just like the whole priority thing. I was 110% positive that my daughter was my #1 priority before I went to rehab. Until I was made to see that no, she's not. If I don't take care of myself as #1, then how am I to take care of my daughter. Well, the same goes for being important. If I don't see myself as important, then I can't be made to believe it by anyone else until I do. It's amazing what you can see when you finally see the truth to life. At least now I can move on with confidence, and leave my phone at home. My friend is right, the economy now relies too much on the cell phone to do the work. We need to set our phones aside, and get out and physically talk to our friends. No more relying on the phone to do our work. We have become entirely too dependent on our phones. My goal this week is to treat my phone as if it was a home phone. Since I am never home though, my phone will be left in my car. I know this is a far stretch, considering my phone is always in my hand, but I think I can do it. This will show me that I am important to myself, that I don't need constant reassurance that I am important.

On the drive home last night from hanging out with some friends in Morgan, I pulled over to look at the sky. Every time I go up there, I think about the one guy. The one I've always had a crush on. What's he up to, what's new in his world? Does he ever think about me? Honestly, this is an entire different subject that I will share with you later. Back to Morgan. You can definitely see more stars up there. It was an amazing show. Each little star is important to us in it's own unique way. No one has ever told those stars they are important, they just know it. They don't have to be told, they just know. Each of these little stars are so incredibly strong. They fight through light years, just so we can see how beautiful they are. Even though it was freezing, I stayed out there for almost a half hour. This is the part where I convinced myself that I can do this. I am strong enough. I've been through much harder things before. I know that trials of the heart are the hardest to conquer, but like I said, I've made it through before. I can do it again. And maybe, just maybe, everything will work out.

Actions Speak Lounder than Words

In the past month, I can honestly say that my emotions have been one crazy roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns, flips, you name it, my emotions have been there. It's not anyone's fault but MY OWN. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, and that fact alone has allowed a lot of heartache that I caused myself. Mainly because I judge the situation from the past before I give the talker the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe that person isn't the same as the person from the past. Then next thing I know I've put my foot in my mouth again. The good part about it all? I have learned so much about myself. I just hope that patience can work until I get over this whole thing...

One of the major things I have finally come to accept is that actions speak louder than words. I have had so many promises broken in the past 10 years, that I have finally come to the conclusion that you can talk all you want, but until you can show me, I'm sorry, but I won't believe you. I really need to get over that. I need to quit judging those around me now, by those I have chose to let go. I have a serious problem of expressing myself too openly for some people to understand. The way I see it is if I tell you how I feel, what I'm thinking, then you won't have any question as to where you stand in my eyes. Unfortunately, I don't get the same in return with those that I would like to have it from. Not their fault. Just because others don't express themselves openly doesn't make them a bad person. It actually can make them a better person because they actually think before they speak. Unlike me.

Thanks to my past, I have a hard time accepting words. Something I need to work on with myself. In the past, broken promises were just a subtle reminder that I just wasn't very important to that person. I was talking to a friend earlier today and I was told that my problems aren't necessarily with me, they're with the subconscious decisions that I make. Who I choose to surround myself with, etc. That doesn't mean that I surround myself with bad people, I just surround myself with people who don't think and act like I do. Which in turn causes confusion, which leads to a broken heart. Again, ALL MY FAULT. I have met some truly wonderful people in the last 6 months alone. Each and everyone of them are special in their own way. Each of them taught me something new about myself. Thank you, you know who you are.

One of the MAJOR problems I have lately is I speak and act before I think. Again, I can thank my past for this one too. In the past, unless I said what was on my mind at that time, I would bow down and accept that what I had to say wasn't important, and therefore never be able to express my feelings. I am no longer like this, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I say things that are on my mind at that moment. Unfortunately, I am worried that me being like this scares people away from me. I guess that when I feel like I have been hurt, I feel like I need to let that person know fast, so that I don't get scared, and never let them know. The thing is, every time in my past I have been hurt, I was too scared to let that person know that they hurt me. Now, I'm scared that if I don't tell the person that I'm hurt, I'll never have the courage to tell them later, after I've cooled off. I'll never know if whatever method I've used is right. I'm sorry.

I came in touch with a wonderful friend of mine this last week that I haven't talked to in almost 7 years. I totally understand the quote, "your true friends will always be there, they will love you no matter what" now. It feels wonderful to know that I didn't speak to him for so long, and he's still there. Just like my Oakley family. We didn't speak for almost 15 years, and when we started talking again, it was just like the time missed was never missed. I feel so fortunate to have the people in my life that I do at this time and place right now. I can't express how much it means to me that I know I can pick up my phone and call my family out in Oakley, or my immediate family, or my wonderful friends that I have now, and know that I will get a response. I can honestly say that is true love. Love isn't expressed by what you can have between the sheets, but how someone can listen to what you have to say, and if needed, respond. Love will also allow you to listen when they need someone to talk to too. It's kind of funny that until lately I always thought that true love is what you have with your spouse or significant other. I was wrong. The entire part of true love is how you show those around you how much you care, and respect them, and don't expect anything back but respect. Whether it be a friend, spouse, etc..

Because it's cold outside, I only went out for a short amount of time earlier and was counting the stars. There are billions upon billions out there. Just because you can only see a tiny amount of them, doesn't mean the others aren't there for you to see. Each and every one is unique. I can't judge each new star from the last one I saw. The new one might be more wonderful, more brilliant than any I've ever seen before. Even if you haven't seen some of the stars for years. You just have to look in the right direction, and you will see what is truly there for you to see. If what you see, you don't like, change yourself to make your view a better one, and don't judge from the past. You can't change anyone but yourself. Just as long as the changes you make are to make you better as a person, and make you happy, then do it. There are billions upon billions of options out there to make you happy. It's up to you to choose those that will. Don't settle for less than who you are, and strive to reach for those that will make you truly happy. Openly communicate so that there isn't any doubt as to where you are. Have patience, think first. You don't want to lose the view of a beautiful star because you didn't think before you spoke.

Love like you've never loved before, like it could disappear at any moment. Don't let love slip through your fingers. Embrace it with all you have. Even if it's the love of a friend, family member, etc just remember, no one has ever died from having too much love in their lives.

Blessed Be...

Dumb Dumb Dizzy Dizzy Dumb Dumb

Of all the "moments" in my life, I think lately I have made some interesting discoveries. I have realized that if I feel like I am losing control, I don't think, and I try to hold on with everything I have. It makes me wonder if anyone else does that. Life can throw a powerful curve ball, if we're ready for it, we can hit a home run. If we aren't, we'll strike out.

"Look inside yourself, to find you". I was told this earlier today. Sometimes I speak or act before I think, and sometimes that behavior bites me in the butt. I was also told earlier to think about what I want in life. The main thing I think everyone wants, including myself, is to be happy. The hard part is, what truly makes me happy? How many times does it take before it gets through? No more wasting time. If I could find a different path, that would lead me to something better, I guarantee I would go. A broken heart, an empty soul, the vicious cycle that makes life's miracles. In the end it makes me so much stronger. It also makes me appreciate what I have, when I have it, and to NOT push it away. Give it time.

Since I couldn't sleep I decided to get all my blankets out and go count stars. The moon is half full. As I was lying there I saw a beautiful falling star. It reminded me of the last couple days. I met a wonderful person a couple of months ago. He has spirit, a warm soul, and a beautiful heart of gold, and he helps me laugh at myself. I don't know how I got so lucky to of met him. The one thing I need to really remember is to be myself. The sad part is I think we will just be friends. Though one star fell, there are millions of others to help keep your hopes up that there will always be stars to count, and love to accept and keep.

Dream of Beautiful Things...