In the past month, I can honestly say that my emotions have been one crazy roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns, flips, you name it, my emotions have been there. It's not anyone's fault but MY OWN. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, and that fact alone has allowed a lot of heartache that I caused myself. Mainly because I judge the situation from the past before I give the talker the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe that person isn't the same as the person from the past. Then next thing I know I've put my foot in my mouth again. The good part about it all? I have learned so much about myself. I just hope that patience can work until I get over this whole thing...
One of the major things I have finally come to accept is that actions speak louder than words. I have had so many promises broken in the past 10 years, that I have finally come to the conclusion that you can talk all you want, but until you can show me, I'm sorry, but I won't believe you. I really need to get over that. I need to quit judging those around me now, by those I have chose to let go. I have a serious problem of expressing myself too openly for some people to understand. The way I see it is if I tell you how I feel, what I'm thinking, then you won't have any question as to where you stand in my eyes. Unfortunately, I don't get the same in return with those that I would like to have it from. Not their fault. Just because others don't express themselves openly doesn't make them a bad person. It actually can make them a better person because they actually think before they speak. Unlike me.
Thanks to my past, I have a hard time accepting words. Something I need to work on with myself. In the past, broken promises were just a subtle reminder that I just wasn't very important to that person. I was talking to a friend earlier today and I was told that my problems aren't necessarily with me, they're with the subconscious decisions that I make. Who I choose to surround myself with, etc. That doesn't mean that I surround myself with bad people, I just surround myself with people who don't think and act like I do. Which in turn causes confusion, which leads to a broken heart. Again, ALL MY FAULT. I have met some truly wonderful people in the last 6 months alone. Each and everyone of them are special in their own way. Each of them taught me something new about myself. Thank you, you know who you are.
One of the MAJOR problems I have lately is I speak and act before I think. Again, I can thank my past for this one too. In the past, unless I said what was on my mind at that time, I would bow down and accept that what I had to say wasn't important, and therefore never be able to express my feelings. I am no longer like this, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I say things that are on my mind at that moment. Unfortunately, I am worried that me being like this scares people away from me. I guess that when I feel like I have been hurt, I feel like I need to let that person know fast, so that I don't get scared, and never let them know. The thing is, every time in my past I have been hurt, I was too scared to let that person know that they hurt me. Now, I'm scared that if I don't tell the person that I'm hurt, I'll never have the courage to tell them later, after I've cooled off. I'll never know if whatever method I've used is right. I'm sorry.
I came in touch with a wonderful friend of mine this last week that I haven't talked to in almost 7 years. I totally understand the quote, "your true friends will always be there, they will love you no matter what" now. It feels wonderful to know that I didn't speak to him for so long, and he's still there. Just like my Oakley family. We didn't speak for almost 15 years, and when we started talking again, it was just like the time missed was never missed. I feel so fortunate to have the people in my life that I do at this time and place right now. I can't express how much it means to me that I know I can pick up my phone and call my family out in Oakley, or my immediate family, or my wonderful friends that I have now, and know that I will get a response. I can honestly say that is true love. Love isn't expressed by what you can have between the sheets, but how someone can listen to what you have to say, and if needed, respond. Love will also allow you to listen when they need someone to talk to too. It's kind of funny that until lately I always thought that true love is what you have with your spouse or significant other. I was wrong. The entire part of true love is how you show those around you how much you care, and respect them, and don't expect anything back but respect. Whether it be a friend, spouse, etc..
Because it's cold outside, I only went out for a short amount of time earlier and was counting the stars. There are billions upon billions out there. Just because you can only see a tiny amount of them, doesn't mean the others aren't there for you to see. Each and every one is unique. I can't judge each new star from the last one I saw. The new one might be more wonderful, more brilliant than any I've ever seen before. Even if you haven't seen some of the stars for years. You just have to look in the right direction, and you will see what is truly there for you to see. If what you see, you don't like, change yourself to make your view a better one, and don't judge from the past. You can't change anyone but yourself. Just as long as the changes you make are to make you better as a person, and make you happy, then do it. There are billions upon billions of options out there to make you happy. It's up to you to choose those that will. Don't settle for less than who you are, and strive to reach for those that will make you truly happy. Openly communicate so that there isn't any doubt as to where you are. Have patience, think first. You don't want to lose the view of a beautiful star because you didn't think before you spoke.
Love like you've never loved before, like it could disappear at any moment. Don't let love slip through your fingers. Embrace it with all you have. Even if it's the love of a friend, family member, etc just remember, no one has ever died from having too much love in their lives.
Blessed Be...
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