Sometimes.....

At time goes on in our lives, we often stop and wonder, "what if?" There are so many times that I have had that thought go through my mind in the last couple of months that it's mind numbing. The sad part about all those times is that I have let myself doubt my true feelings towards life. I let those "what if's" control my deepest desires, and the fear has taken over. I have always wondered why I allow these things to control me. I know I'm a strong person, with a warm heart, but the fear wiggles it's way into my heart and controls my every move. I wish there was a fear cure. I wish that there was some way I could rid my life of the fear. Then I turn around and look at all the times that I didn't allow the fear to control me, and I see all the blessings I have because I didn't.

I thought I was over the fear of being alone, and I didn't realize how truly OVER that fear I was until recently. I know I will live. I can look into my past and see where fear has taught me that I don't have to fear being alone. I know I can make it, I know I can live through another heart break. I have a feeling that that reason alone, is the reason I'm not scared of being alone anymore.

I'm not perfect, but I know I'm worth it. I've been waiting my whole life betting on a change. I see the change coming, but I shake with fear of what that change will bring. Will it bring pain, or warm sunshine. I'm starting to realize that change can be a good thing. Yes sometimes it brings pain, but for the most part, I grow from that change. I become a better person. Sometimes you have to lose to win. Right? I think I'm going to be OK...

I haven't had a chance to go count stars for a long time. Correction, I haven't allowed myself the time to count stars for a long time. Yes, the weather has been cold, but that's just an excuse. I know things that make me happy, and since I've been missing that happiness I have to look inside myself and figure out why. My happiness counts on me, and me only. No one can control my happiness, and it's about time I remind myself. For the last year I've counted on others to make me happy because I've been around people who can make me happy. What I didn't realize until now is that the only reason I am happy is because I allow myself to be happy. It's not because of the person I'm around. I know this all sounds so selfish, but it's so true! No one can control our emotions but ourselves. How can I have any sort of pride in myself, unless I put that pride there to begin with. I know the things I need to do to get that pride back, and it's about time I get off my ass and do it.

I know everyone gets into their little "funks," and unfortunately I get in mine and it takes a while for me to get back out. It's almost like I want to be depressed for a while. Like I want to see if I get any attention for it. And to be honest, I do, but I hate that kind of attention. I want the attention you get for being an amazing person on the inside and out! The great thing about that revelation is I know I am my biggest fan, and biggest supporter. WOW!! what a thing to realize!!

Now that I have my keys to what I need to do to make myself happy, it's time I get off my butt and get a move on. First things first, I'm going out to count the stars.