Bucket list from Hell?

Sometimes in life there are things you want to ignore, things you wish you could ignore, and things you just can't ignore. There are so many things rolling around in my head at this time in my life, that I'm scared that if I don't get them out, I'll burst. Or just lose everything that I want to say. Why does fear control so much of who we are? There are so many times in my life that I have doubted myself and my feelings, that I just want to beat my head against the door... and hope that something good answers the door.

In the last month I have been thinking about a bucket list. I have never really thought of that before, mainly because I was always altering my future with whom I was dating at the time. I didn't realize that until I had my "awakening" a while ago. I can't believe how willing I was to alter my own happiness for a man. So please excuse me while I go off on a tangent on what I want for my own bucket list. And please keep in mind that some of these "items" on MY list, might make you scratch your head in wonder, but they mean something to me. Deep down inside, where it really matters.

1- See a real firefly

2- See the northern lights

3- See a real whale in the ocean

4- Sleep on a beach

5- Spit off the Eiffel Tower

6- Ride on a motorcycle going 90 miles per hour and feel my hair fly

7- Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef (even though I am claustrophobic)

8- Conquer the fear of heights and maybe go bungee jumping or skydiving? Maybe?

9- Win a video game (any game, I don't care, as long as I win)

10-Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

11- See a Green Flash

12- See a real Sea Turtle in the ocean

13- Ride in a Gondola in Italy

14- Kiss the Blarney Stone

15- See Phantom of the Opera

16- Watch a Sunset with the one I love...

I have so much on my mind right now, so honestly there are a ton of things that I need to add to MY list, but right now, I honestly can't think of any.

I went camping with my wonderful family over Memorial Day this year, at Hyrum Lake, in UT. The first night we were there I thought that my life was in disarray. I had gotten in an argument with my boyfriend, and honestly needed something of a release. I didn't know I would find it in my long lost friends. The stars.

I took my telescope with me thinking that I would use it. I didn't. There was no moon out. As the entire camp went into their slumber, I snuck down to the dock. There were no clouds, no wind. Everything was still as if I had somehow put the world on pause. The lake was like glass. Reflective as a mirror. I had every thing I needed. Heaven and earth, in one place, at one time. I had my friends in the sky, winking down at me, and their beauty being reflected in the lake. I don't know exactly how long I laid on the dock, but I do know that I came to realize that I am done letting someone else make important decisions in my life. I will do the things that I want, when I want. I will do the things that make ME happy. And if you don't like it, sorry. Not really, but honestly if you don't like it, walk away. No one is forcing you to associate with me. So go right ahead and ignore me if you want, but it's no longer going to hurt me, or even touch me in the slightest. This will be the last you hear of me saying anything to draw attention to this matter. I. AM. DONE. I am myself, I am a strong woman, who has her own bucket list.

Is there such thing as a reality fairy tale? Honestly, what would happen if I left, because the words I was yearning to hear weren't said? Unfortunately the world has forgotten fairy tales, and only worry about money, money, and more money.... Don't get me wrong, money can make you comfortable, but can it make you truly happy? Will it bring your true love back? Does it make you truly happy? I understand that money will make things easier in life, but do you need that big house, the boat, the everything that money buys? Or do you need the truth of love? I have such a romantic soul. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of all the stupid books I read. or maybe because that's what I deserve. I won't know until it hits me like a brick wall. Before I leave you, I have just a few words that keep repeating in my mind. I don't know what they mean to me, and I don't know why they keep repeating themselves to me.... maybe you'll know after reading them. If you do, please let me know.

When I'm alone in the night, and the moon sheds its tears,

I know my world would come right, if only you were here.

Without you my heart is empty of all but the memories it keeps.

You, only you, stay inside me in the night while the moon weeps...

Open up your heart, and you'll find love.

This is our fate, I'm yours.