A New Beginning for Me?

WOW.
I know that God puts trials in your path to see how you can cope, and to make you stronger. I know this because of everytime I look into my past I see all the trials, all the lessons I have learned. I have learned this past weekend that life can and will put you out, but it's what you take from that experience that matters. In this past month alone, I have been re-united with some wonderful people that were in my life in the past, and are now in my life again. This time to stay.
Being raised in a small town, meant to me at the time, a lot of people in your business. I look back and see that small town meaning so much more to me now. I see love and compassion from everyone. I see a community that cares for each other. I see that yes, we tend to get on each others nerves, but in a time of need, we were there for each other.
I was reading my journal earlier today. In a couple of the entries that I wrote, I have to admit I was quite the pessimist. I am bound and determined to look at life with love and compassion that has been shown to me. I am bound and determined to be optimisitc about my life no matter what may be going on at the time. I was reading my book "The Tae of Piglet" in it I found a wonderful quote to go with my train of thought today I posted it on my FB page, but I'm going to put it here too. "Safe pessimists of the world never accomplish much of anything because they don't look clearly & objectively at situations. They don't recognize their own abilities to overcome even the smallest amount of risk".
I was outside last night counting stars in-between the clouds that were rolling in bringing this snow. I was thinking that as the cloud passes over the star, you know it's still there. You might not be able to see it, but you will eventually. I've posted pretty much the same thought before, but if you really look into the current situation and see what others see from an outside view, you know that people love you and have a compassion that you might not of seen unless the wind came in and blew the clouds away.

Who Knew???

Holy crow, can I just say that I am completely amazed at the turn of events this week? I'll update y'all...

So on Thursday, I had my heart removed for good. I always thought that I would make it through with the guy I've been dating, off and on, for the last 6 yrs. Thursday night I was going to take him dinner after I got off work, and, well, he was busy. With another woman. I don't know why I was so shocked, I've had the feeling that he didn't want me anymore for the longest time, but I tried to ignore it. I guess it's like when you try to ignore a sliver or something. It just ends up festering until you have to actually do something about it. Same with this situation. This is a really great guy, I promise. We just didn't work together anymore. Apparently. I don't need to convince anyone but myself that he cares about me. I know he still does. If he didn't he wouldn't of given two cents about making sure that I understood that he didn't mean to hurt me. He really is a good person. Outside and in. Or is he? It's not my place to judge, but it is my place to move on.

Who knew that there are actually men out there that do things for you just because? Who knew that you could actually sit back and enjoy the benefits of being pampered and know that they don't want anything in return? Who knew, right? I'm not saying that I haven't ever experienced being taken care of. I'm just saying that this was probably THE best time for it to happen to me. I have been completely amazed at how my friends have totally stepped up and helped me through what I see as a VERY hard time in my life. (I know, I thought it was over in May, but I tried to make it work, ok?) I always thought that this relationship would work. Isn't that what they all say? Then when it's over, they're all shocked. "I can't believe it happend to me," or "what is wrong with me?" I have to say I repeated more than just these two quotes I posted on here. I thought I was completely broken. I thought that there would never be anything for me ever again. I was wrong. Completely.

Hell, if I can make it through 3 years of not using oxycontin, and have custody of my daughter taken away from me. I should be able to handle this, right? At least that's what I kept telling myself Thursday night. And Friday morning. And Friday afternoon. Then I got off work and a friend who was in town for the weekend called me. I really didn't want to go anywhere but home so I could cry myself to sleep. I am SO grateful I didn't. I have had a wonderful weekend. I am trying to act all tough, so I will let you know that I still hurt when I'm alone and my mind starts going in the usual 50 directions. When I try to sleep, I hurt. When I'm riding my bike, I hurt. The best part from all this is the lesson I have learned. Nothing is forever. I know I'll always love and care about this man. I don't know the true extent of the return. I know that I'll always be grateful for the lesson I learned that not everyone is the same. That people do sincerely care about you. I always knew my friends cared, but I now know that my friends love me. I only hope that someday I will be able to return the love and caring that I have received this weekend.

If it looks like I'm avoiding telling you guys about something, it's because I am. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm so confused on how someone can hurt SO BAD, and still feel happy... Is it so easy to forget everything when something better comes along? I don't think you ever forget, you just put it in another area of your memories. Right? Again with the questions. Times like this make me wonder if my crush ever thinks about me, because he is always there in the background every time something like this happens...

As I was sitting out counting stars earlier tonight, I was having a really hard time with counting because they kept going all blurry. I had to stop and wipe my eyes a lot. The tears came freely. And they came for two reasons. #1~for the pain of losing (obvious reasons) #2~for the joy of knowing that you are truly cared about. I am truly grateful for the love and compassion I have felt and witnessed this last weekend. My heart is full...

Vices that kill, Vices that don't...

I've been thinking a lot about my vice lately. I know everyone has a vice, but honestly, why do I have to have a vice that could potentially kill me? It's a nasty habit, but man alive I'd kill for one right now. Unfortunately, I decided that I would try to quit my nasty little habit. So right at this moment instead of going outside to quench my vice, I am sitting here typing about all the reasons that vices are bad, especially if they have the potential to kill you. Either way, I need to quit.

I think everyone has a vice. It can be as harmless as a clean freak, and it can be as hurtful as a harsh word, or a cancer producing product. Can words kill though? Is it the words that are spoken that kill, or is it the person who took the words too seriously?

Life is so full of so many questions, the sad part? I don't think 70% of those questions will ever be answered. I guess we just need to take what we can out of the situation and learn from it. In the last 9 years I have had harsh words thrown at me time and time again. "You're a bad mother" was the one I have heard the most. I don't believe it for one iota of a second. I know I am a good mom, I know that my little butterbean is my world. A lot of the time you have to consider the source of the comment. Is the comment coming from someone you respect? Or is it coming from someone who is saying those things to try and get under your skin? Like I said, consider the source.

I was sitting outside last night counting stars, laying on the trampoline, freezing my butt off to say the least. I had my 3 down comforters, my heating blanket, and I was still freezing. But the payoff was that I saw 4 falling stars. I think everyone falls at one time in their life.
But honestly -
 It's what that person does to get back up and move on, right? Take each comment with a grain of salt, only you can decide if that comment knocks you off your feet or not.

No Stars for You Tonight My Dear...

I was all snuggled up in bed, getting warm, and my brain wouldn't shut off. I can't go outside and count stars because of the rain. I have to get this out somehow.

I've been divorced for a little over 9 yrs, and through those 9 yrs I have dated a couple of different men. A couple of them I chose to forget about them because they caused so much pain. I have been dating a man for 6 yrs. In those 6 yrs we had our good times and our bad times. What relationship doesn't? Right? In May of 2009 right over Memorial Day weekend, we had a huge argument. For a minute there, I thought it was over. My friends and family, bless their hearts, told me that it was a good thing. But then as I sit here and think about it, they only heard about the bad times I had with him. I never shared the good times with them, only the bad because I have been told over and over, that whatever goes on is no one's business but your own. But you have to get it out somehow, right? Especially when you are upset. So of course they had a one sided opinion of this man. This is my fault. I have realized that everyone makes their own mistakes, everyone will either learn from those mistakes, or not. It's up to that person. Right? I know it sounds like I am rambling, but again, this is how my brain works. I sit and ramble on about 10 different subjects, and eventually I get all my frustrations out so that I can at least sleep.

I put on my face book status earlier today "I wish I had telepathy so I could hear what people were thinking". This is still true. My friends pointed out some of the better reasons as to why it's not a good idea, but with the thoughts running through my head, I really wish at times I could. That and stop time. There are so many times I wish I could just stop time. Like all those times that I missed an important meeting, or when I was getting a speeding ticket. I remember a show when I was younger where a girl would put her two pointer fingers together and bam, time would stop. Then if she wanted to talk to someone while time was stopped she would just touch them and time would start again. There are a bunch of quizzes on fb asking what your favorite super power would be and I have two. Telepathy, and stopping time. The only bad part are the side effects of such powers. Why can't our lives be like a romance novel? Where the guy makes the girl fall madly in love with him and there's a happy ending? I miss hearing those special words so bad sometimes that it just brings tears to my eyes. I just don't know that when I do hear them, that is they are sincere, or just to make me happy. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me. The thing is, it's completely different to have a special someone tell you he loves you for the first time. Or even after you've been dating for a couple years and he tells you, and you still get chills from hearing it. I'm wondering if this weather has me down. I don't usually get bothered by such things, I think I'm coping very well. I do, however, think it's an acceptance thing. If someone special you love tells you they love you, you feel accepted. At least in my world you do. I don't know. I guess I can repeat myself and ask "why"? Why don't I have that in my life right now? Maybe it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing to make that person happy. Maybe it's because I need to focus on other things, but honestly it helps so much to know that someone special loves you and that they are standing behind you 100%, and that nothing you do, or not do, will stop that love from being there. I'm still confused as to why a couple of my relationships didn't last. I know that I'm needy, I know that I require attention. I'm working on that. Now I'm wondering if I don't ask for enough attention, and that leads him to thinking that I'm not interested. I don't know. I say those words a lot "I don't know". The thing is, is I really don't know. I don't have all the answers, I don't want all the answers. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't. I know that life teaches you a lesson, that what you get from that lesson is up to you as a person. But good god, life can hurt like a damn paper cut!

Since I can't go out and count stars tonight, I guess I'll have to do with the memory of them. I guess it's like life. You know the stars are there, and you know they aren't going anywhere, you just can't see them at the moment. I guess I can put my situation in this... I know someone out there loves me, and even though I can't see him, I can't give up the hope and dream of knowing that someday, somewhere, we will be together.

One down.... Two to GO...

I don't know what I have done to piss Karma off, but she sure as hell hates me lately. There are so many things that I have to take care of, and for some reason they all popped up at once. Thanks to my "was lost but now found" friend, I was able to cross one of those things off my list.

I think money is the root of all evil. If you think about it, it's the most dirty, disgusting thing in the world, and everyone LOVES it.

The other night on TLC, I was watching this terrible show about parents who put their children in pageants. These children think that is the one and only thing there is about being a child. If they don't look a certain way, they are ugly. If they are missing teeth, they are ugly. What the hell is this world coming to? I think it's cute as hell when I see a child smile and they are missing their teeth!! But these pageants are teaching them that they are ugly if one little thing is out of place. So the parents spend $Thousands$ of dollars on the dresses, costumes for talent, flippers (fake teeth) hair stylist, etc... Who knows what else they do because what they showed on the program was limited. I just can't see the good out of exploiting children to that behavior. Then the world wonders why children are anorexic, or depressed. Hey, here's a hint... MAKE YOUR CHILDREN GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! Instead of letting them sit at the TV all afternoon. I honestly can't think of any time other than when I was sick that I wasn't outside playing after school.

I try my hardest to be a good parent. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I will do anything to make her happy. I wonder how some people can actually hurt children and think that they are in the right. Child Protection Services is supposed to be there for the children, but when they take the story from a manipulative adult over what the child is saying happened, aren't they just supporting child abuse?

Last night while I was counting stars, I realized that I have a lot of questions, I know that most of them won't ever get answered. I guess that's part of life, right? Find your path and start your journey with your first step.