No Stars for You Tonight My Dear...

I was all snuggled up in bed, getting warm, and my brain wouldn't shut off. I can't go outside and count stars because of the rain. I have to get this out somehow.

I've been divorced for a little over 9 yrs, and through those 9 yrs I have dated a couple of different men. A couple of them I chose to forget about them because they caused so much pain. I have been dating a man for 6 yrs. In those 6 yrs we had our good times and our bad times. What relationship doesn't? Right? In May of 2009 right over Memorial Day weekend, we had a huge argument. For a minute there, I thought it was over. My friends and family, bless their hearts, told me that it was a good thing. But then as I sit here and think about it, they only heard about the bad times I had with him. I never shared the good times with them, only the bad because I have been told over and over, that whatever goes on is no one's business but your own. But you have to get it out somehow, right? Especially when you are upset. So of course they had a one sided opinion of this man. This is my fault. I have realized that everyone makes their own mistakes, everyone will either learn from those mistakes, or not. It's up to that person. Right? I know it sounds like I am rambling, but again, this is how my brain works. I sit and ramble on about 10 different subjects, and eventually I get all my frustrations out so that I can at least sleep.

I put on my face book status earlier today "I wish I had telepathy so I could hear what people were thinking". This is still true. My friends pointed out some of the better reasons as to why it's not a good idea, but with the thoughts running through my head, I really wish at times I could. That and stop time. There are so many times I wish I could just stop time. Like all those times that I missed an important meeting, or when I was getting a speeding ticket. I remember a show when I was younger where a girl would put her two pointer fingers together and bam, time would stop. Then if she wanted to talk to someone while time was stopped she would just touch them and time would start again. There are a bunch of quizzes on fb asking what your favorite super power would be and I have two. Telepathy, and stopping time. The only bad part are the side effects of such powers. Why can't our lives be like a romance novel? Where the guy makes the girl fall madly in love with him and there's a happy ending? I miss hearing those special words so bad sometimes that it just brings tears to my eyes. I just don't know that when I do hear them, that is they are sincere, or just to make me happy. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me. The thing is, it's completely different to have a special someone tell you he loves you for the first time. Or even after you've been dating for a couple years and he tells you, and you still get chills from hearing it. I'm wondering if this weather has me down. I don't usually get bothered by such things, I think I'm coping very well. I do, however, think it's an acceptance thing. If someone special you love tells you they love you, you feel accepted. At least in my world you do. I don't know. I guess I can repeat myself and ask "why"? Why don't I have that in my life right now? Maybe it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing to make that person happy. Maybe it's because I need to focus on other things, but honestly it helps so much to know that someone special loves you and that they are standing behind you 100%, and that nothing you do, or not do, will stop that love from being there. I'm still confused as to why a couple of my relationships didn't last. I know that I'm needy, I know that I require attention. I'm working on that. Now I'm wondering if I don't ask for enough attention, and that leads him to thinking that I'm not interested. I don't know. I say those words a lot "I don't know". The thing is, is I really don't know. I don't have all the answers, I don't want all the answers. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't. I know that life teaches you a lesson, that what you get from that lesson is up to you as a person. But good god, life can hurt like a damn paper cut!

Since I can't go out and count stars tonight, I guess I'll have to do with the memory of them. I guess it's like life. You know the stars are there, and you know they aren't going anywhere, you just can't see them at the moment. I guess I can put my situation in this... I know someone out there loves me, and even though I can't see him, I can't give up the hope and dream of knowing that someday, somewhere, we will be together.