Who Knew???

Holy crow, can I just say that I am completely amazed at the turn of events this week? I'll update y'all...

So on Thursday, I had my heart removed for good. I always thought that I would make it through with the guy I've been dating, off and on, for the last 6 yrs. Thursday night I was going to take him dinner after I got off work, and, well, he was busy. With another woman. I don't know why I was so shocked, I've had the feeling that he didn't want me anymore for the longest time, but I tried to ignore it. I guess it's like when you try to ignore a sliver or something. It just ends up festering until you have to actually do something about it. Same with this situation. This is a really great guy, I promise. We just didn't work together anymore. Apparently. I don't need to convince anyone but myself that he cares about me. I know he still does. If he didn't he wouldn't of given two cents about making sure that I understood that he didn't mean to hurt me. He really is a good person. Outside and in. Or is he? It's not my place to judge, but it is my place to move on.

Who knew that there are actually men out there that do things for you just because? Who knew that you could actually sit back and enjoy the benefits of being pampered and know that they don't want anything in return? Who knew, right? I'm not saying that I haven't ever experienced being taken care of. I'm just saying that this was probably THE best time for it to happen to me. I have been completely amazed at how my friends have totally stepped up and helped me through what I see as a VERY hard time in my life. (I know, I thought it was over in May, but I tried to make it work, ok?) I always thought that this relationship would work. Isn't that what they all say? Then when it's over, they're all shocked. "I can't believe it happend to me," or "what is wrong with me?" I have to say I repeated more than just these two quotes I posted on here. I thought I was completely broken. I thought that there would never be anything for me ever again. I was wrong. Completely.

Hell, if I can make it through 3 years of not using oxycontin, and have custody of my daughter taken away from me. I should be able to handle this, right? At least that's what I kept telling myself Thursday night. And Friday morning. And Friday afternoon. Then I got off work and a friend who was in town for the weekend called me. I really didn't want to go anywhere but home so I could cry myself to sleep. I am SO grateful I didn't. I have had a wonderful weekend. I am trying to act all tough, so I will let you know that I still hurt when I'm alone and my mind starts going in the usual 50 directions. When I try to sleep, I hurt. When I'm riding my bike, I hurt. The best part from all this is the lesson I have learned. Nothing is forever. I know I'll always love and care about this man. I don't know the true extent of the return. I know that I'll always be grateful for the lesson I learned that not everyone is the same. That people do sincerely care about you. I always knew my friends cared, but I now know that my friends love me. I only hope that someday I will be able to return the love and caring that I have received this weekend.

If it looks like I'm avoiding telling you guys about something, it's because I am. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm so confused on how someone can hurt SO BAD, and still feel happy... Is it so easy to forget everything when something better comes along? I don't think you ever forget, you just put it in another area of your memories. Right? Again with the questions. Times like this make me wonder if my crush ever thinks about me, because he is always there in the background every time something like this happens...

As I was sitting out counting stars earlier tonight, I was having a really hard time with counting because they kept going all blurry. I had to stop and wipe my eyes a lot. The tears came freely. And they came for two reasons. #1~for the pain of losing (obvious reasons) #2~for the joy of knowing that you are truly cared about. I am truly grateful for the love and compassion I have felt and witnessed this last weekend. My heart is full...