Sometimes, I just don't know where to begin with this... My thoughts are so scattered that I can't think straight. I was told that when you write things down, it helps clear your mind. I think that sometimes that works, and sometimes it just adds to the thoughts.
From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til you make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care.
Fear is such a huge word. I tried to keep track of how many times I used the word fear in a conversation I was having earlier. I lost track after about 15-20 times. Why is fear such a powerful emotion? I think I should also add humiliation. I can't tell you how many times in a day I put my foot in my mouth. In this particular conversation from earlier, I was using the word fear, in place of being brave. The phrase "I am so scared of being hurt again," came out of my mouth so many times, that I think it has placed a block on my heart again. I used to have a hard time being myself around new people, now I don't care. If you don't like me for who I am, don't talk to me. The sad part? I think it all boils down to - I still have a fear of being alone.
The future belongs to those who can embrace it. Life is so confusing at times. One minute I know exactly what I want, then something happens and I lose sight of what it is I originally wanted. I have almost 3 1/2 yrs of sobriety, and to be quite honest, I never knew I would make it this far. Of all the trials I have gone through, I can honestly say that trials of the heart are more troublesome than addiction. I think that with my heart being up on the chopping block so much in the last year alone, it has become a problem so that every time I turn around, my heart is being broke all over again. I know that I put my heart out there so fast that it's crazy. I just wish I could let go of the fear of being alone. That way I might not jump without looking first.
I was told in the past, that feelings equal drama or lies. I see now, that isn't true. Feelings are a validation of being human. Feelings are who you are. I have learned that if someone can't handle how I feel, no, I'm not lying, or being dramatic, I'm just telling you how I feel.
To make more sense of what I am writing, I'll tell you where the whole feelings = lying, came from. Before I gave up on making my marriage work, we tried counseling. During a very eventful session, the counselor asked me how I felt. So I started telling the counselor and my now ex-husband, how I felt. About 30 seconds into me telling them how I felt, my ex decided to interrupt and tell the counselor that I was lying. The counselor tried to tell my ex that expressing my feelings doesn't mean that I am lying, and that it's ok for me to feel neglected, etc... My ex decided that he'd had enough. He stood up told us both to f-off, and walked out of the office. I sat there for a complete 20 seconds before the counselor told me that for the first time in 15 yrs of marriage counseling, he had finally seen a marriage that will never work. So I appologized for wasting his time and left.
You would think that with that as evidence that my feelings are true, and not a lie, I would be able to express them a lot easier. Not true. In the course of almost 10 yrs since my divorce, I have been with guys that have told me the same thing. Like I said earlier in this post, humiliation is a hard emotion to conquer. The sad part, is that sometimes, a person's feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you. Sometimes a person's feelings are just what they are feeling at that time. I think that once the rest of the population figures this out, there won't be any more problems. I have a hard time understanding why a person gets humiliated from another's feelings, but I have proof that it exists.
I was going through my journal once again, and the first couple of times I read through it, I was actually embarassed at some of the things I wrote. (thank god I'm the only one who will ever read it) Then I read through it a couple more times, and to be quite honest, I have nothing to be embarassed about. It wasn't necesarily the person, or the situation I was writing about. If I look closely, it's the feeling, the emotion, or lack of either at that time. It is so amazing what can happen and a person can live through.
I can say that I am amazed at who I have become in the last year. I have grown so much to become who I am. Every feeling that I get, I haven't missed life yet. Only when I stop to think about it. I realize how fortunate I really am. Without imagination, nothing is too dangerous. You can not know what you can not feel. There are two ways of spreading light... To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects the candle. Love life the way you should be loved.
I haven't been able to go out and count stars. The weather really is killing me lately. I can't wait for spring.
You know, I don't have any more answers than anyone else. I am as scared as anyone else of just going through the motions in life, of not getting anywhere. All I know is that time really is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along. raise your hand if you want to look back on your years and wonder where they have gone. You have to carpe the diem. That is what I hope for myself, as I live. I know it doesn't matter if I think I'm good enough or not, this is me, and that's why this is called MY story. Love is worth nothing if you don't have the patience to go with it.
Live life to the fullest.
Love life with the mostest
Love yourself with unselfishness
And enjoy the reward of a happy fulfilled life.
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