Must I Have a Shattered Heart?

Take the time to think. Take the time to feel. You can see my heart. I am so terrified. I have almost given up hope. I know that this could be something. Everything we do and words we say just take my breath away. And now I'm left with nothing. I remember the look on your face made it hard to breathe. So I close my eyes and drift away. And dream of a time when I was in control of my heart.
The first brush stroke is solid. The second falls between another page of the life that was almost hers. That one phone call was the one what shattered her heart. She dropped the phone in disbelief. She couldn't believe that this could be happening to her again. How is it, that the pain settles upon her shattered heart and will not move?
Nothing about you is predictable, you got me all twisted and confused. Up until now I thought I knew love. Pleasures are burning. Love I can see, nothing will be just like it was. A sweet surprise that I can get used to. I give you all the love that I can give. I gave you all that I had inside. I keep trying for you. This is no ordinary love.... Didn't I tell you what would happen? Didn't I tell you that you would shatter my heart? This is no ordinary love. She's falling........
I want to believe. I want to hope. I want to feel the love that I know we can have. Why are you scared? What can I do? I want you to open up and be with me. I don't know how I can cure the pain that has been presented to you in the past. I know it's there. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. Please tell me what I can do to help you.
She picked up the phone with that disbelief still in her heart. How can this happen again? Why does she keep putting herself into these type of situations? Why is she so insecure? All she has ever wanted was to be loved. Her pain is glowing inside her. Her heart is shattered. Will it ever be repaired? She holds the last rose in her hand, with a velvet kiss, she has been destroyed. Will this ever end? She closes her blind eyes to the past, and is fascinated by the future. All she can do is move forward, fearlessly. She can hide the pain. She can do this.
In the meadow of her dreams, she can have the love she craves. A piece of paper isn't what is needed for her. Just the knowledge that love does exist. She brushes the tall waving grass with her hands. She can feel the love all around her. The silver band of life is taking over her heart. This is her place where she can dream freely. This is her place. Until the day that she feels she can trust again with her heart, this is where she will stay. Until the day that her shattered heart is healed, she will be. Until the day that she can share with her one true heart, she will be imprisoned. Alone. But in the back of her mind, she always wonders where he is, what he is doing, and is he thinking of her the way she thinks of him...
Do not fear the heart, for it will never stray you wrong. Knowing what I feel when I am with you, I know that the future can be ours. Please don't forget about our time together while we are apart. Remember the sparks, the electricity. Don't forget me. Please.

Sealed with a Kiss...

This is the month of Thanks. The last couple days have really reminded me that there are so many things that I have in my life that I am grateful for. Soooo I guess I need to put some of them down. If I were to put all of them, I would be here all year. So here goes.....

1~ My health. I am so grateful that I was able to conquer addiction. Even though it is a daily battle, I am grateful that I have the strength to resist temptation. I am grateful that I can ride a bike, that I can smile and mean it, that I can work. I am grateful that I can see the beautiful sun the moon and the stars, smell the beautiful flowers, feel (with heart and touch) to feel the sweet kisses, and to hear the sound of my daughters musical laughter and the sound of someone who cares. I am grateful to be alive.

2~ My heart. I know that this is an odd one to put down, but I'll explain. I am grateful for my heart, for it allows me to love. It allows me to cherish the memories of sweet oblivion that I have experienced. It allows me to feel pain. To help me remember my past mistakes and to be able to grow from those experiences. It helps me know that there is love out there for me. It gives me a jolt when there is something exciting. Like seeing a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. Or the butterflies it gives me when I feel something that needs to be cherished. It tells me when my daughter needs me.

~3 My family. I have the most wonderful family. They have always been there, even when I didn't want them there, they were. I love my family with every cell in my body. I love you, thank you. To my Mom, you are the light that has always brought me home. You always question if you raised me right, I am here to tell you that you did. I am a stronger person for the trials that I have been through, and if you hadn't pushed me, I know I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you. To my Dad, you are the one who has taught me to not judge, to not be a hypocrite, and to love unconditionally. Thank you. To my Sister, you are the one who was always pushing when I didn't want to be pushed. It made me think about my life. Where I was and what I wanted out of it. Thank you. To my Brother, you have no idea how much I look up to you. I will always remember your blessing you gave me when I needed it most. You have always been there for me. Your hugs are so warm. Thank you. To my Brother-in-Law, you showed me how to conquer a trial. You proved to me that it is possible to be strong enough. Thank you for always talking to me, even if it was something off the wall. I am so proud of you. Thank you. To my Sister-in-Law, you have shown me that there is time for second chances. I am so happy that I have gotten you in my life. You have shown me that creativity comes from the heart, and that nothing but myself can make my creativity beautiful. Thank you. To my Aunt, thank you. You will never know the gratitude I have for you. You have given me so much. I don't know that I will ever be able to re-pay you, but I sure will try. Thank you for being home when I get home, thank you for your hugs when I am down. Thank you for your love. Thank you.

~4 My Daughter. There are so many things that I can put down for you. My little butterbean. Thank you for your love, your smiles, your hugs. I love you more than my own life. I am so grateful that God gave you to me. I was lost until you came into my life. Thank you for telling me that I'm not old until I can't smile anymore. Thank you for jumping on the trampoline with me, thank you for making me laugh when I'm down. Thank you for being you. You are such a beautiful girl. I am honored to be your Mommacita. I love you butterbean.

~5 My life. I know there are so many times that I have wondered why I have to live this life. But as I look back, the times that I didn't think I would make it to the next day are the ones that I am truly grateful for. It shows me that I can make it through thick and thin, and move on with a smile, and love in my heart.

~6 My friends. Thank you so much for always being there with a warm heart, and an open mind. I know that some of my ideas and thoughts about life are a little skewed, but you always were there for me, even when I didn't see you for years, I always knew that when I saw you again, you would be there for me. I have no idea how I have gotten the wonderful friends that I have, and I am truly grateful for each and everyone of you. Thank you, I love you.

~7 God. Thank you for the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars. Thank you for my life. My love is yours.

I could keep going, but I think I have covered the most of it. There are so many things that I take for granted each and every day of my life. I have recently had the opportunity to spend time with a cancer patient. She is on the last couple of months of her life, and she still has a smile. I can't imagine the courage that she has. I am so grateful for my life. I know I keep repeating myself, but honestly, I just want everyone to know how incredibly grateful I am to be where I am, with who I am with, with the heart that I have.

Last night I was counting stars outside on the trampoline with my many blankets, and wondering where the time has gone. I thought about the meteor shower from a couple nights before. I saw the most amazing meteor I think I will ever see in my life. It just goes to show that there are always little surprises in life. You don't think that they are there, until you open your eyes, and your heart to truly see what you have. The stars are only a beginning of my gratitude. When I look to the sky and see how many there are, and realize that I can only see a small portion of what is actually there, my gratitude is just the same. I am grateful that I can now seal my heart with a warm kiss.

Un-Known Touch...

An angel whispered in her ear, with a labored breath, a silent diamond tear slid down her cheek. Alas the heart can be one, but who is a true heart, but a cold one? The mask has hidden her disfigured beauty for years, she is the one to break the silence as the diamond tear is kissed from her lips by a touch that she has not known. The cold heart shatters into a million diamond tears, and each is kissed by the same un-known touch as it is sent into the heavens of the velvet sky. The first true breath is shared with the angel in that one priceless moment. The angel whispers he must take his leave, she knows not if, but when. All because of the silent diamond tear, the touch, and the whisper of an angel....

Her heart is warm, but to touch is gentle. The kiss is hers, she keeps it in her radiating heart. She waits, and waits.... Her beauty can only become more. She is the keeper of the keys. Keys that have no home, but is hers to find. The sky is radiant with her wishes, and she sees her wings. If only she could reach just a little more... The velvet sky gives no mercy, and what was hers, is no longer because she dares not to hope. For hope leads to fear, and fear leads to pain.

She waits, and waits... An angel whispers in her ear. There is so much more. Try, try, try. She gasps with the awakening sense of freedom within her grasp. To find the lost keys, to find the box, to find, and release the final breath of poison. Fear is clinging to her heart. A pain that she can not suffer again, threatens to be released. An angel whispers in her ear. To fear is to be lost, to love is to be found. All she has is the memory... The pain of losing is to know no bigger fear than to seal her heart away again with those who are lost. She hopes. An angel whispers in her ear, she can not see the beauty of which is spoken, but to be trusted on blind faith that she will be one with her heart again. The lost keys are given to her. She has the answers, and still she waits, and waits... She sleeps, and in her deep slumber she dreams of those that were not in her reach, but to mock her with false hope, false love, all that is false. She sees that all is there, her diamond tears spread out for those who love to see, for those who hope to wish, for those who wish, to receive. All she needs is hope. Hope that there is more out there than she sees... A touch that she has forgotten wakes her from her slumber. Was it all just a dream?

Her freedom was worth so much more than she knew. She learns the way of love, of hate, of passion, and of poison. The pain is so much less than she knew she could bear. The warmth is so much more that she will not release. No tears have been shed for the joy of becoming one, will be of late. The velvet sky leaves no question, the time is coming, the opening of the lock that holds the million pieces of her silent diamond tear. She knows she will feel the touch that she has forgotten, on her lips, from an angels lips, like a secret whisper of hope. At last she has the touch of the angel who whispers in her ear. He leads her to her hope. The hope that was lost among the fears. The fears that were swallowed by the hope all because of the touch she had not known.

Trust Me... This Will Only Hurt A Little...

Pain, rejection, fear, humiliation, etc... Some of my character defects. I was taught to watch for those defects, and make sure they don't seep into your daily life. As hard as I try, they end up creeping into my life almost on a daily basis. I've been trying to let go of my past for this last little while, and to be honest, it's hard as hell. When things happen to a person that pretty much imitates something from the past that was hurtful, are we supposed to ignore what has happened to us before and go off of blind faith that the same thing couldn't possibly happen again? Try as I might, but the fear settles right into the cracks, and won't clean up.
I don't understand why we are placed into such a wild arena. I don't understand why we would be put through such tumultuous times, just to see if we are strong enough to make it through. I know I have strength, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I have had trial after trial placed before me, and I've made it through. The worst trials I've been in are those that concern my heart. I am such a trusting person that I don't look deep enough to know when there is true compassion, and false compassion, I can honestly say that there is only a handful of people that have shown me true compassion, and most of them have been recently. Others with their false compassion used my heart to get what they wanted out of me, then throw me away like a piece of trash. My problem is figuring out who is the honest, and who is the false.
I am so scared of being rejected that I don't put myself out there, including my heart. I have placed it in a cavity so deep, and dark, that I'm not sure it'll ever find it's way out. I have done this because of my past. I know I can let it out, but I know that when I sealed it away with a cold kiss that I didn't think I would ever use it again.
I was wrong.
I have learned in the last little while that the heart is such a strong part of who we are. The heart will never let you stray from your hopes and dreams. The heart will make it through anything, and anyone that tries to use you for their own selfish needs. The heart will also make you melt when you see a picture of someone you truly care about that you haven't seen for a long time. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being embarrassed. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being loved. There is no more true feeling than the feeling of being loved. Of knowing that regardless of your vices, you are loved. Of knowing that if you gained 10 lbs, you would still be loved. Of knowing that the love is true.
I wasn't going to go out and count stars tonight because it's so cold, but I had to anyway. The sky had a carpet of clouds covering the stars. Almost like a blanket over your cold body. Almost like a warm hug from someone special. I could only see the stars in little spurts when there was a break in the clouds. I guess I can put that to the lesson of the day, and know that I might not see them as often as I like, but they still are there for me when I need them most. They will always be there for me regardless of my past. Tonight I am wondering if my crush is looking at the same stars, wondering what I am up to. Tonight I am wondering if I will ever have the chance to see if he is my "one and only".

Temper Tantrums....

Temper Tantrums - That's what happens when babies want one thing, and their mama knows they need something different. Then you end up feeling guilty because they act like it's the end of their world, and you're the one who pulled the rug out. Do temper tantrums actually work? I have probably the best temper out of anyone I have met. The only time my temper snaps lately is when I am alone. (thank goodness) Tonight I really wanted to throw a temper tantrum, but honestly, it wouldn't of gotten me anywhere. I had to swallow my embarrassment, and move on.
I am almost done reading my journal. In the last 3 years worth of writing, I have seen that I started out so very weak, needing constant reassurance of my worth, and now I am only getting stronger. I can actually laugh with my heart. I can actually mean that laughter, instead of it being fake. I can cry with happy tears, I can cry with sad tears. I thought that the day I walked out of detox I was starting my new beginning. Honestly, I think it has just begun. It's only been previews until recently.
I was reading through the Tao of Pooh the other day and one of my most favorite quotes is in that book. It reads...
To know the way,
we go the way;
We do the way
The way we do.
It's all here in front of you,
But if you try too hard to see it,
You'll only become confused.
I am me,
And you are you,
As you can see;
But when you do
The things that YOU can do,
You will find the way,
And the way will follow you.
by Benjamin Hoff
I wrote that quote down in my journal with my own thoughts as to the "meaning" of it. I'll leave it up to you on how you take it.
"The future belongs always to the believers, who are for something, never to those who are only against something." I never realized how true that statement was until I actually sat down and started a list of my "wants" and my "needs." I hope that doesn't sound too selfish, but honestly in the last 9 years I haven't had a chance to be selfish. In the last 6 years I was told that I was marriage material (a piece of paper), only to have that taken away from me time and time again. I told myself for the longest time that marriage wasn't a big deal to me, that I never wanted to be married again. I actually believed it. I don't now. I think to some marriage is thrown around, and isn't looked at as the "sacred unity" that I now think it is. The couple never really look at what they have, and eventually lose all interest in the other person. Then the "cheating" begins. I never really looked at the value of marriage until recently. I never thought I would ever think of myself as a "wife" ever again. I let fear, anger, and hurt, hide my true feelings on the subject. I can now happily say that I am marriage material, I am worth it, I will eventually be with the other side of my soul. I say, "practice hope. As hopefulness becomes a habit, you can achieve a permanently happy spirit." (another wonderful quote from my journal)
I guess we could call this my "breaking free" blog, but I just want to put out there that I am constantly learning. I have now become a new woman. Like I said, I laugh, and mean it. I am free, and I am powerful. I now allow myself to enjoy this freedom and power. My heart is filled with gratitude and excitement, knowing that wonderful people and situations surround me now. I am safe. I am secure. I am completely protected at all times. I listen to, honor, and follow my true feelings, knowing that they are answers to my prayers. I find the humor in life and I laugh easily and honestly. I have great beauty and light inside of me right now. I tap into all of the knowledge of the universe. I notice and embrace the new opportunities that are now in my life. I move forward fearlessly, trusting that each step I take is perfectly guided. I am safe, confident, and secure. I am excited about my future for the first time in my life. I speak my truth powerfully and lovingly. I trust in my strong feelings, and stand my ground in following them.
I always wondered what it would be like to be alone with an angel. I wondered the questions I would ask, and the answers I would receive. Going through my journal, I realized that all the questions were there, and the answers were there also. I just didn't want to see them. I look and see all of my questions that I had, were answered, with heart. I just needed to learn my own way of seeing the answers.
Let's talk about mountains. You start climbing one, you toil, you sweat, you finally reach the top, and what do you get? Well, along with a sense of accomplishment, of peace, of a job well done, along with the satisfaction of doing what you set out to do... You get a great view of the next mountain. Looming. Challenging. Calling your name. But wait! Don't feel like you have to take on that next mountain quite yet. Let's dwell on this one for a while. Lay there with your hands stretched out behind your head. Watch the clouds running across the sky and tell yourself you're on top of the world because in a sense you are. Just be for now, for you. Then when you're ready... Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put that pack on your back, and start climbing down. One foot in front of the other, that's all you can do. This walk never ends, you know. There's always another mountain. That's what makes life thrilling, exciting, and leaves you breathless. There are days, there are times, when you feel like you've walked so far, when the voice inside you is complaining that it's all uphill, that it always will be. And then, after all that, way beyond your beautiful blue horizon, you see the biggest mountains you've ever seen, and you think, "I can't do that." Well, I know I will always have someone who tells me that I can. I know that with those I surround myself with I can achieve the miracle. I can accept that I am worth it. I can do it.
Tonight while waiting for a phone call, I was counting stars. I can see Orion every time I look up to the sky. I think about his armor. His shield, his sword, his bow and arrow. I think about the armor I have unconsciously put around my heart. I know that this armor in the wrong hands can cause serious damage. I have lived through the damage. I may have the scars, but I know that the wounds that I allowed to be put there are healing. I can proudly admit that I have handed that armor over to more caring, loving hands. Finally. It is now my time to be me, to be my happy, to be my miracle, to accomplish my dreams with those I love surrounding me, supporting me. Now that the armor is gone, I can and will succeed at life, happiness, and most importantly, love.

Sweet Dreams My Love, Dream of Beautiful Things...

And Then There Was One.... little... iota.

One little thing can change a person. One little word, one little gesture, one little smile. You just never know exactly what it is that can change you. I have been looking into my past just so I can close that door. I want to make sure I have learned whatever lesson I was to learn, and move on. I never realized how fortunate I was until I actually looked back and saw that there was always someone in my life at the time of whatever was going on, was there for me. There were so many times that I thought I was alone, but I now know, I never was. Not for one iota of a second. That iota of a second can change a person. How do we know? You look back.

I was so happy this last weekend. I was finally able to take my daughter out trick-or-treating for the first time in 6 years!! I either had to work, or it was her dad's holiday. I was so excited, until we started walking around and realized that no one had their lights on. We would hit one house, and have to walk past 5 just to get to the next. I ended up driving her and her cute little friend because it was easier. Where has tradition gone? Why is trunk-or-treat more important? I think those take all the fun out of growing up. I remember so many wonderful Halloween's where my friends and I ran around the entire town. By the time we were done, we had a completely full pillowcase of candy. My daughter after going around the neighborhood we were in, didn't really have that much. The cute part? She was more excited to be able to go out with mom than she was to get the candy. She told me, "mom you're so much sweeter than any candy." Could she get any cuter?

I'm falling. I'm not going to get hurt, I won't let it happen. When I hear those words I get chills down my spine. I don't think any words could mean more to me than to hear those come out of my own mouth. I guard my heart with everything there is, I know that times in the past I've been hurt. I look at who did the hurting, and why I allowed it to happen. I trusted when I shouldn't of, I let my guard down. I got into a very good conversation the other night with a wonderful man who's opinion I value highly. We were talking about cheating spouses, and significant others. We came to the conclusion that there really isn't an answer as to why they do it, but it's not the person who got cheated on, is to blame. Something in relationships has completely gone out the window. Communication. It's gone. I can sit here and say that every relationship I have been in, there was talking, but no communication. We would talk about mundane things, but never the important things. I wonder why that is? I guess that is one thing I personally am looking forward to changing. Listening. I have gotten so used to "tuning out" things that were being said to me. Mostly because those things were incredibly hurtful. But I think that if I would of really listened, I would of been able to move on before I actually did. I can also say that every time I went to say something about my feelings, I was quoted a liar, or completely ignored. Humiliation is a crazy emotion. Fortunately, everyone has experienced humiliation at least once in their lives. If they hadn't, they would probably be the most shallow person. That isn't for me to judge, but I really think that some people need to learn how to deal with humiliation. It would definitely make this world a better place. That and swallowing pride. Aren't they the same thing though?

I was out counting stars tonight, and we have a beautiful full moon. I feel full. I feel full of love, compassion, and so many other things that it would take me years to put it all down. I am so grateful for everyone that is in my life. I am grateful for the 92 yr old man that asked me to marry him today.  That coming from a 92 yr old, just cracked me up to the point where I had to take a break. I look at that man and see that his life is full. As he was telling me about his life experiences in the short span of a haircut, I realized that he had a wonderful marriage. Sometimes there were arguments, but they always "communicated." He had so many stories that I could of listened to him for hours, talking about how his life has been, and is full. I am really looking forward to discovering more about that one person who makes my life feel full. For the first time in my life, in that particular area, I have hope.