Pain, rejection, fear, humiliation, etc... Some of my character defects. I was taught to watch for those defects, and make sure they don't seep into your daily life. As hard as I try, they end up creeping into my life almost on a daily basis. I've been trying to let go of my past for this last little while, and to be honest, it's hard as hell. When things happen to a person that pretty much imitates something from the past that was hurtful, are we supposed to ignore what has happened to us before and go off of blind faith that the same thing couldn't possibly happen again? Try as I might, but the fear settles right into the cracks, and won't clean up.
I don't understand why we are placed into such a wild arena. I don't understand why we would be put through such tumultuous times, just to see if we are strong enough to make it through. I know I have strength, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I have had trial after trial placed before me, and I've made it through. The worst trials I've been in are those that concern my heart. I am such a trusting person that I don't look deep enough to know when there is true compassion, and false compassion, I can honestly say that there is only a handful of people that have shown me true compassion, and most of them have been recently. Others with their false compassion used my heart to get what they wanted out of me, then throw me away like a piece of trash. My problem is figuring out who is the honest, and who is the false.
I am so scared of being rejected that I don't put myself out there, including my heart. I have placed it in a cavity so deep, and dark, that I'm not sure it'll ever find it's way out. I have done this because of my past. I know I can let it out, but I know that when I sealed it away with a cold kiss that I didn't think I would ever use it again.
I was wrong.
I have learned in the last little while that the heart is such a strong part of who we are. The heart will never let you stray from your hopes and dreams. The heart will make it through anything, and anyone that tries to use you for their own selfish needs. The heart will also make you melt when you see a picture of someone you truly care about that you haven't seen for a long time. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being embarrassed. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being loved. There is no more true feeling than the feeling of being loved. Of knowing that regardless of your vices, you are loved. Of knowing that if you gained 10 lbs, you would still be loved. Of knowing that the love is true.
I wasn't going to go out and count stars tonight because it's so cold, but I had to anyway. The sky had a carpet of clouds covering the stars. Almost like a blanket over your cold body. Almost like a warm hug from someone special. I could only see the stars in little spurts when there was a break in the clouds. I guess I can put that to the lesson of the day, and know that I might not see them as often as I like, but they still are there for me when I need them most. They will always be there for me regardless of my past. Tonight I am wondering if my crush is looking at the same stars, wondering what I am up to. Tonight I am wondering if I will ever have the chance to see if he is my "one and only".
I don't understand why we are placed into such a wild arena. I don't understand why we would be put through such tumultuous times, just to see if we are strong enough to make it through. I know I have strength, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I have had trial after trial placed before me, and I've made it through. The worst trials I've been in are those that concern my heart. I am such a trusting person that I don't look deep enough to know when there is true compassion, and false compassion, I can honestly say that there is only a handful of people that have shown me true compassion, and most of them have been recently. Others with their false compassion used my heart to get what they wanted out of me, then throw me away like a piece of trash. My problem is figuring out who is the honest, and who is the false.
I am so scared of being rejected that I don't put myself out there, including my heart. I have placed it in a cavity so deep, and dark, that I'm not sure it'll ever find it's way out. I have done this because of my past. I know I can let it out, but I know that when I sealed it away with a cold kiss that I didn't think I would ever use it again.
I was wrong.
I have learned in the last little while that the heart is such a strong part of who we are. The heart will never let you stray from your hopes and dreams. The heart will make it through anything, and anyone that tries to use you for their own selfish needs. The heart will also make you melt when you see a picture of someone you truly care about that you haven't seen for a long time. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being embarrassed. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being loved. There is no more true feeling than the feeling of being loved. Of knowing that regardless of your vices, you are loved. Of knowing that if you gained 10 lbs, you would still be loved. Of knowing that the love is true.
I wasn't going to go out and count stars tonight because it's so cold, but I had to anyway. The sky had a carpet of clouds covering the stars. Almost like a blanket over your cold body. Almost like a warm hug from someone special. I could only see the stars in little spurts when there was a break in the clouds. I guess I can put that to the lesson of the day, and know that I might not see them as often as I like, but they still are there for me when I need them most. They will always be there for me regardless of my past. Tonight I am wondering if my crush is looking at the same stars, wondering what I am up to. Tonight I am wondering if I will ever have the chance to see if he is my "one and only".
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