A New Beginning for Me?

WOW.
I know that God puts trials in your path to see how you can cope, and to make you stronger. I know this because of everytime I look into my past I see all the trials, all the lessons I have learned. I have learned this past weekend that life can and will put you out, but it's what you take from that experience that matters. In this past month alone, I have been re-united with some wonderful people that were in my life in the past, and are now in my life again. This time to stay.
Being raised in a small town, meant to me at the time, a lot of people in your business. I look back and see that small town meaning so much more to me now. I see love and compassion from everyone. I see a community that cares for each other. I see that yes, we tend to get on each others nerves, but in a time of need, we were there for each other.
I was reading my journal earlier today. In a couple of the entries that I wrote, I have to admit I was quite the pessimist. I am bound and determined to look at life with love and compassion that has been shown to me. I am bound and determined to be optimisitc about my life no matter what may be going on at the time. I was reading my book "The Tae of Piglet" in it I found a wonderful quote to go with my train of thought today I posted it on my FB page, but I'm going to put it here too. "Safe pessimists of the world never accomplish much of anything because they don't look clearly & objectively at situations. They don't recognize their own abilities to overcome even the smallest amount of risk".
I was outside last night counting stars in-between the clouds that were rolling in bringing this snow. I was thinking that as the cloud passes over the star, you know it's still there. You might not be able to see it, but you will eventually. I've posted pretty much the same thought before, but if you really look into the current situation and see what others see from an outside view, you know that people love you and have a compassion that you might not of seen unless the wind came in and blew the clouds away.

Who Knew???

Holy crow, can I just say that I am completely amazed at the turn of events this week? I'll update y'all...

So on Thursday, I had my heart removed for good. I always thought that I would make it through with the guy I've been dating, off and on, for the last 6 yrs. Thursday night I was going to take him dinner after I got off work, and, well, he was busy. With another woman. I don't know why I was so shocked, I've had the feeling that he didn't want me anymore for the longest time, but I tried to ignore it. I guess it's like when you try to ignore a sliver or something. It just ends up festering until you have to actually do something about it. Same with this situation. This is a really great guy, I promise. We just didn't work together anymore. Apparently. I don't need to convince anyone but myself that he cares about me. I know he still does. If he didn't he wouldn't of given two cents about making sure that I understood that he didn't mean to hurt me. He really is a good person. Outside and in. Or is he? It's not my place to judge, but it is my place to move on.

Who knew that there are actually men out there that do things for you just because? Who knew that you could actually sit back and enjoy the benefits of being pampered and know that they don't want anything in return? Who knew, right? I'm not saying that I haven't ever experienced being taken care of. I'm just saying that this was probably THE best time for it to happen to me. I have been completely amazed at how my friends have totally stepped up and helped me through what I see as a VERY hard time in my life. (I know, I thought it was over in May, but I tried to make it work, ok?) I always thought that this relationship would work. Isn't that what they all say? Then when it's over, they're all shocked. "I can't believe it happend to me," or "what is wrong with me?" I have to say I repeated more than just these two quotes I posted on here. I thought I was completely broken. I thought that there would never be anything for me ever again. I was wrong. Completely.

Hell, if I can make it through 3 years of not using oxycontin, and have custody of my daughter taken away from me. I should be able to handle this, right? At least that's what I kept telling myself Thursday night. And Friday morning. And Friday afternoon. Then I got off work and a friend who was in town for the weekend called me. I really didn't want to go anywhere but home so I could cry myself to sleep. I am SO grateful I didn't. I have had a wonderful weekend. I am trying to act all tough, so I will let you know that I still hurt when I'm alone and my mind starts going in the usual 50 directions. When I try to sleep, I hurt. When I'm riding my bike, I hurt. The best part from all this is the lesson I have learned. Nothing is forever. I know I'll always love and care about this man. I don't know the true extent of the return. I know that I'll always be grateful for the lesson I learned that not everyone is the same. That people do sincerely care about you. I always knew my friends cared, but I now know that my friends love me. I only hope that someday I will be able to return the love and caring that I have received this weekend.

If it looks like I'm avoiding telling you guys about something, it's because I am. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm so confused on how someone can hurt SO BAD, and still feel happy... Is it so easy to forget everything when something better comes along? I don't think you ever forget, you just put it in another area of your memories. Right? Again with the questions. Times like this make me wonder if my crush ever thinks about me, because he is always there in the background every time something like this happens...

As I was sitting out counting stars earlier tonight, I was having a really hard time with counting because they kept going all blurry. I had to stop and wipe my eyes a lot. The tears came freely. And they came for two reasons. #1~for the pain of losing (obvious reasons) #2~for the joy of knowing that you are truly cared about. I am truly grateful for the love and compassion I have felt and witnessed this last weekend. My heart is full...

Vices that kill, Vices that don't...

I've been thinking a lot about my vice lately. I know everyone has a vice, but honestly, why do I have to have a vice that could potentially kill me? It's a nasty habit, but man alive I'd kill for one right now. Unfortunately, I decided that I would try to quit my nasty little habit. So right at this moment instead of going outside to quench my vice, I am sitting here typing about all the reasons that vices are bad, especially if they have the potential to kill you. Either way, I need to quit.

I think everyone has a vice. It can be as harmless as a clean freak, and it can be as hurtful as a harsh word, or a cancer producing product. Can words kill though? Is it the words that are spoken that kill, or is it the person who took the words too seriously?

Life is so full of so many questions, the sad part? I don't think 70% of those questions will ever be answered. I guess we just need to take what we can out of the situation and learn from it. In the last 9 years I have had harsh words thrown at me time and time again. "You're a bad mother" was the one I have heard the most. I don't believe it for one iota of a second. I know I am a good mom, I know that my little butterbean is my world. A lot of the time you have to consider the source of the comment. Is the comment coming from someone you respect? Or is it coming from someone who is saying those things to try and get under your skin? Like I said, consider the source.

I was sitting outside last night counting stars, laying on the trampoline, freezing my butt off to say the least. I had my 3 down comforters, my heating blanket, and I was still freezing. But the payoff was that I saw 4 falling stars. I think everyone falls at one time in their life.
But honestly -
 It's what that person does to get back up and move on, right? Take each comment with a grain of salt, only you can decide if that comment knocks you off your feet or not.

No Stars for You Tonight My Dear...

I was all snuggled up in bed, getting warm, and my brain wouldn't shut off. I can't go outside and count stars because of the rain. I have to get this out somehow.

I've been divorced for a little over 9 yrs, and through those 9 yrs I have dated a couple of different men. A couple of them I chose to forget about them because they caused so much pain. I have been dating a man for 6 yrs. In those 6 yrs we had our good times and our bad times. What relationship doesn't? Right? In May of 2009 right over Memorial Day weekend, we had a huge argument. For a minute there, I thought it was over. My friends and family, bless their hearts, told me that it was a good thing. But then as I sit here and think about it, they only heard about the bad times I had with him. I never shared the good times with them, only the bad because I have been told over and over, that whatever goes on is no one's business but your own. But you have to get it out somehow, right? Especially when you are upset. So of course they had a one sided opinion of this man. This is my fault. I have realized that everyone makes their own mistakes, everyone will either learn from those mistakes, or not. It's up to that person. Right? I know it sounds like I am rambling, but again, this is how my brain works. I sit and ramble on about 10 different subjects, and eventually I get all my frustrations out so that I can at least sleep.

I put on my face book status earlier today "I wish I had telepathy so I could hear what people were thinking". This is still true. My friends pointed out some of the better reasons as to why it's not a good idea, but with the thoughts running through my head, I really wish at times I could. That and stop time. There are so many times I wish I could just stop time. Like all those times that I missed an important meeting, or when I was getting a speeding ticket. I remember a show when I was younger where a girl would put her two pointer fingers together and bam, time would stop. Then if she wanted to talk to someone while time was stopped she would just touch them and time would start again. There are a bunch of quizzes on fb asking what your favorite super power would be and I have two. Telepathy, and stopping time. The only bad part are the side effects of such powers. Why can't our lives be like a romance novel? Where the guy makes the girl fall madly in love with him and there's a happy ending? I miss hearing those special words so bad sometimes that it just brings tears to my eyes. I just don't know that when I do hear them, that is they are sincere, or just to make me happy. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me. The thing is, it's completely different to have a special someone tell you he loves you for the first time. Or even after you've been dating for a couple years and he tells you, and you still get chills from hearing it. I'm wondering if this weather has me down. I don't usually get bothered by such things, I think I'm coping very well. I do, however, think it's an acceptance thing. If someone special you love tells you they love you, you feel accepted. At least in my world you do. I don't know. I guess I can repeat myself and ask "why"? Why don't I have that in my life right now? Maybe it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing to make that person happy. Maybe it's because I need to focus on other things, but honestly it helps so much to know that someone special loves you and that they are standing behind you 100%, and that nothing you do, or not do, will stop that love from being there. I'm still confused as to why a couple of my relationships didn't last. I know that I'm needy, I know that I require attention. I'm working on that. Now I'm wondering if I don't ask for enough attention, and that leads him to thinking that I'm not interested. I don't know. I say those words a lot "I don't know". The thing is, is I really don't know. I don't have all the answers, I don't want all the answers. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't. I know that life teaches you a lesson, that what you get from that lesson is up to you as a person. But good god, life can hurt like a damn paper cut!

Since I can't go out and count stars tonight, I guess I'll have to do with the memory of them. I guess it's like life. You know the stars are there, and you know they aren't going anywhere, you just can't see them at the moment. I guess I can put my situation in this... I know someone out there loves me, and even though I can't see him, I can't give up the hope and dream of knowing that someday, somewhere, we will be together.

One down.... Two to GO...

I don't know what I have done to piss Karma off, but she sure as hell hates me lately. There are so many things that I have to take care of, and for some reason they all popped up at once. Thanks to my "was lost but now found" friend, I was able to cross one of those things off my list.

I think money is the root of all evil. If you think about it, it's the most dirty, disgusting thing in the world, and everyone LOVES it.

The other night on TLC, I was watching this terrible show about parents who put their children in pageants. These children think that is the one and only thing there is about being a child. If they don't look a certain way, they are ugly. If they are missing teeth, they are ugly. What the hell is this world coming to? I think it's cute as hell when I see a child smile and they are missing their teeth!! But these pageants are teaching them that they are ugly if one little thing is out of place. So the parents spend $Thousands$ of dollars on the dresses, costumes for talent, flippers (fake teeth) hair stylist, etc... Who knows what else they do because what they showed on the program was limited. I just can't see the good out of exploiting children to that behavior. Then the world wonders why children are anorexic, or depressed. Hey, here's a hint... MAKE YOUR CHILDREN GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! Instead of letting them sit at the TV all afternoon. I honestly can't think of any time other than when I was sick that I wasn't outside playing after school.

I try my hardest to be a good parent. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I will do anything to make her happy. I wonder how some people can actually hurt children and think that they are in the right. Child Protection Services is supposed to be there for the children, but when they take the story from a manipulative adult over what the child is saying happened, aren't they just supporting child abuse?

Last night while I was counting stars, I realized that I have a lot of questions, I know that most of them won't ever get answered. I guess that's part of life, right? Find your path and start your journey with your first step.

3 YEARS AND COUNTING!!!!

Three years ago, I made THE HARDEST life changing decision ever, to better my life. People say that "when god closes a door he opens a window". That quote never really meant a lot to me until that day. I was once again laying in bed after taking my daughter to school, and wondering if I'll ever get out of the "pit" I was living in. I wasn't happy, I was completely depressed. I wanted to end my life, but the thought of my daughter living with out me was the reason I didn't end it. I called my cousin and asked her for help. Until this time, no one in my family knew that I had a problem with drugs. They knew I was seriously depressed, they just didn't know how to ask me what was wrong. She completely dropped everything to meet me at Ogden Regional Medical Center. I walked through the doors at 1:20pm that day. I had just had my last oxycontin and xanax. I was shaking because the fear of going through withdrawls was terrifying!! The only reason I stayed is because I didn't want to ask my boyfriend for more money for more drugs.
When I asked my cousin what I should bring with me she said "things of comfort" like books, cd's, etc... When I got down to my room 6 hours later, the nurse took everything away. My cell phone, my cd's even my toothpaste, and mouthwash. The only reason she let me keep my book is because it was Harry Potter, and she didn't think that would cause any problems. So there I was without a phone, and my music. (anyone who knows me, knows that I have to have my music) By this time, I'm in withdrawls. BAD. I'm shaking, I'm sick, I'm ready to walk out the doors and call it quits. The nurse then gave me some medication to help with the withdrawl symptoms.
I really don't remember the next 5 days. I don't know if I mentally blocked it out because of the pain I was in, or if because I have a habbit of blocking out painful memories. I'm not sure. I do remember a couple things. I cried for the entire first 24 hrs of being there. I didn't eat for 4 days except a couple bites of my food here and there. The one thing I do remember with perfect clarity is this old man (Big AL) that was there for alcohol. He sat up with me for the entire first night and talked to me. I don't know how old he was, all I know is that his wife brought him in because of his drinking. The conversation is way too long to put on here that I had with this man. I can tell you that he said a lot of things to make me think about with my life. The most important was, "don't push your family away like I have". He ended up leaving the next day, and 2 days later I received a letter from his wife telling me that he passed away. That was the first death I had to deal with in my journey through this trial. At one point in my detox I asked my nurse if I could call someone to come give me a blessing. At first she was kind of rude and told me that "no one will come because it's conference weekend". I argued with her for a long time on that one. I wanted to call my mom's bishop, and my nurse wouldn't let me because of the bishop's conference that day. So in the end I called my brother. He came within an hour. At this time I wasn't allowed any visitors. So when I saw my brother, I grabbed a hold of him and didn't want to let go. Not even long enough to let him give me my blessing. I was shaking so bad, I couldn't hold still. I finally sat down and let him and the family member he brought with him give me my blessing. I'm not sure if the presence of my brother brought comfort, or if the blessing did, or both. I'm pretty sure both. I don't know if he will ever realize this, but he is such a role model to me. He is so strong, and so sure, that sometimes to this day, I just want to go and wrap my arms around him, and tell him I love him. Sometimes I try. After the blessing was done, I gave my brother a hug, and again, I didn't want to let him go. After he left, I knew I could finish with my detox.
After my detox, my family and I decided that I needed to go through the 28 day program. That meant going in at noon and leaving at 9pm. Every day until I graduated. My mom is such a wonderful person. She has done SO much for me that I know I'll never be able to thank her. I know that as long as I am happy and healthy, it's a start. For the first week of me being released from detox I know that she didn't sleep very much. She would wake up in the morning, take me and my daughter to Bountiful so my daughter could go to school, then take me to the center for my program. (At the time, I was telling my daughter that I was going to classes to make me a better person. That was how I justified lying to my daughter. I eventually told her everything.) After my daughter got out of school, she would go pick her up, and take her either home, or to my apartment until I got out at 9pm. (this is because I wasn't supposed to drive because of the medication I was still on for the withdrawls) After the first week, I decided that I would try driving on my own. I remember the first time I got behind the wheel after not driving for so long. I was terrified. The anxiety was so incredible, I almost pulled over and started crying numerous times. (I know this is scattered, but anyone who knows me, will understand that this is the way my brain works). After being in the program for a couple days, they told me that in order to "graduate" I had to work the 12 step program. At the time, I thought "piece of cake". I was SO wrong. The 12 step program is an old program that was used for alcoholics. It is now used for addicts also. This program is there to help you see where your problems are and how to fix them. At the time I thought this is bs, why should anyone have to go through this? Now I can look back, and see that when I actually put my heart and soul into the program, it worked for me. To this day I still use the 12 step program.
While I was in the program, I met some wonderful people. Especially my counselor Rick. I will never forget the man who made me think about me. Who helped me understand that I am my first priority. That if I'm not taking care of myself, how can I take care of anything else, including my daughter.
During my 28 days in the program, I lost a couple friends. People I got to know very closely. Both of them we lost because of addiction.
I eventually graduated, and moved on to the aftercare program where once a week, you go in to a "group" therapy. After a year, I didn't like the fact that every week someone came in and had "re-lapsed". I eventually started going to AA meetings almost every day, and made it through the 2nd year with those, and stopped going to aftercare.
I am so proud of myself for making it 3 years!! As I sit here and try to think about how I can possibly express my gratitude for everyone who has been a positive influence in my life, the only thing I can think of is to let people know about my experience. Let them know that it IS possible to conquer addiction. It's a daily struggle, but you just have to make it through the day. Don't worry about the next day until it gets here. If something comes up that you can't handle, give it over to your "higher power".
Kody, thank you for all your endless love and strong support. I love you with all my heart.
My Mom, my Dad, my Sister & her Husband, my Brother & his wife.... I love you. Thank you. You will never understand how much I look up to all of you.
My Cousin, thank you for taking on another weight on your already heavy load. I love you.
With all my heart and all the gratitude I have, I want to tell my family that I love them with all my heart. My daughter is my light at the end of my tunnel. She has helped me through so much in her little girl life so far just by being my "lil butterbean". My friends are irreplaceable. I wouldn't of made it through any of this part of my life without any of you. Thank you to all of you. I love you all.

Another day in the life of.....

I know that life can be complicated at times, and people come and go, but seriously? In the past month I have met wonderful people, and I have met people I chose to forget. I will never understand why people have the need to lie about their lives to get attention. Are their lives just boring and they need to spice them up? I guess it's just a "emotional" thing for acceptance. I have taken a long look at my life in the last 3 yrs. In 6 days I will have been "sober" from oxycontin for 3 years!! Yay to me, right? After all that I put myself through in those years before I realized that I wasn't living the life I wanted, I needed to change. I still remember the day I got out of detox. My mom took me to her house up in Morgan. When I got out of the car, I turned and looked at the mountain and saw with watery eyes the beautiful fall colors. Literally my eyes started to water from the vibrancy of the colors on the trees. I realized at that point in my life, I NEVER wanted to become numb again. So here I am 3 yrs later, and still have kept strong. So I guess I'll top this post off with my prayer I wrote when I was in the program.
A Prayer For Me...

My Dear Keeper,

My loss, my lonely, my mistakes, my bad, my broken, all my should haves left unspoken, are all yours now. Surround me with your comfort and your love. My will is yours. All my problems, all my insecurities are in your hands. I'm just going to make it throught this minute, I'll worry about the next one when it gets here. I can't, You can, It's yours.

Thank you for giving me this life. I know I have complained and acted un-grateful. I now see that you never put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle. I know now that this is my test, my journey. I know that you are there holding my hand.

My wings are still new. I know that you will be there when I take flight into a new area of my life.

Thank you for my guardian angels. I say angels because I know there are more than one. I can feel their love and comfort for me.

Carry me home as the sun kisses the window sill and as I drink my second cup of pity me, you will prove the miracle.

When I stray, I know you will be waiting to guide me back. When I forget, I know you will remind me. When I hurt and when I fall, you will be there to hold me with loving arms. When I laugh, I know you will be there with your warm smile. When I reach for the stars, I know you will be there to lift me up. When I fear, I know you will be there to comfort me.

I'm still learning how to fly. I know you are the wind that will carry me.

Thank you for your unconditional love for me.

My love is yours to keep.

Never again will I forget the trials I have been through, and hopefully, hopefully, I can help others to know that addiction is a daily battle, and everyone needs a little help every now and then.

Counting stars last night reminded me that I am not ready for the cold, but I have to accept that life has it's own little cycle. You can either enjoy the ride, or you can try and keep it from spinning around. I would much rather enjoy the ride.