Diamonds in the Sky

Walking on the beach, with the beautiful baked sun.
Dreaming of sunset skies, suddenly shaping the earth.
Wishing I could fly, faithfully forward reaching for your touch, a moths wing on my lips, a warm light breeze that blazes my too long cold heart.
Set me as a seal upon your heart... as a seal upon your arm... for love is as strong as we wish it to be.
Here is the root of the root... and the bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life. Which grows higher than the soul can hope, or the mind can hide.
It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
Like diamonds in the sky.
I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart, as we walk on the beach, with the beautiful baked sun.

Dreaming of diamonds in the sky.

SPRING!!

With spring just around the corner, it makes me wonder, what changes will I make to my life this year. To me the year doesn't start until the snow melts, and the flowers start to come up. This year, I will be starting school again. I know, I'm old, but I've heard that it's never too late to make a good change in your life. I can't wait to experience those "firsts" this year.

One of my goals this year is to see as many different places as I can. I heard last night that there are places here in Utah that have amazing wild flower fields. I never knew that Utah had places like this, so I want to find as many as I can. I would also like to get up to Yellowstone with my daughter. I've been talking about it for so long, that if it doesn't happen this year, well, we won't go there.

Last night I was outside counting stars, the sky was a remarkable beauty. She pulled out all the stops, and let it shine. It was still cold, but I'm sure that is about to change. Just like my life. I've pulled out all the stops. I am who I am, if you don't like it, too bad. I won't change myself for you, or for anyone else. I have feelings just like everyone else, and I am no longer scared to share those feelings with those I hold dear to my heart. At least I know of one constant in my life. It doesn't matter how thick the clouds, I know my stars will always be there for me. I might lose sight of my goals, etc. but the stars will always be there, just like spring will always be right around the corner.

Falling....

With life breathing down my neck, sometimes it's harder than usual to get my thoughts together. Fear can make my tongue feel like a ton of knots that make it hard for me to say the things I would like to say. Contemplation of the "pros" and "cons" of the words I would like to say keep me from saying them. What will happen if I tell that person exactly how I feel? Rules from the past start screaming at me, telling me that it's not my place to say it.

Patience.... What a cruel word. If patience is the only thing that can be pushed into my vocabulary at this time, I guess I better take the hint. Right? I think the only thing I can be sure of lately is where I am standing. Maybe. Of all the things I am NOT sure of, the one thing I AM sure of is that I'm not going anywhere at this time. Maybe if I actually turn this one over, I might find the instructions to life, and be able to move on with out the fear of being hurt, once again.

I try so hard to not let fear control my life, but when the past keeps repeating its self, what am I to do, but sit and wait for the storm to pass? In the process of trying to NOT repeat my past mistakes, I wonder, am I sitting in a pond full of flowers, or alligators? Am I waiting for something beautiful, or am I waiting for something that will hurt me? Then again those uncertain and unfamiliar things are truly what define life's greatest moments. A first date, a first connection, a nervous question, a strong embrace, an intimate moment, a first kiss, and smiling big while thinking that no one is watching. I have certainly covered a lot of enthrawling moments that life has to offer in the last month alone.

My thoughts on telapathy keeps coming back. I would love to know exactly what is going on in the brain, but then again, maybe it's not the best source of information. Maybe I won't like what I hear.

I have a lot of questions running amok in this brain of mine today. More than usual. The truly sad part of this whole day? I don't know the outcome, I can't see into the future.

I sat outside on the trampoline last night, it was beautiful, and warm. The stars were out shining their best. I had to consider the fact that sometimes life doesn't go the way I want it to. That sometimes there are stars that will fall, and there's nothing I can do about it. Just like life. Sometimes I will fall, and there is nothing I can do about it but make it through, pick myself up, dust off, and move on. Then there are the times that I feel like life has picked me up and I am floating through a dream, only to discover that when I am pinched, it hurts. I guess it's true that dreams can come true. Right?

Patience.

MY Story

Sometimes, I just don't know where to begin with this... My thoughts are so scattered that I can't think straight. I was told that when you write things down, it helps clear your mind. I think that sometimes that works, and sometimes it just adds to the thoughts.


From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til you make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care.





Fear is such a huge word. I tried to keep track of how many times I used the word fear in a conversation I was having earlier. I lost track after about 15-20 times. Why is fear such a powerful emotion? I think I should also add humiliation. I can't tell you how many times in a day I put my foot in my mouth. In this particular conversation from earlier, I was using the word fear, in place of being brave. The phrase "I am so scared of being hurt again," came out of my mouth so many times, that I think it has placed a block on my heart again. I used to have a hard time being myself around new people, now I don't care. If you don't like me for who I am, don't talk to me. The sad part? I think it all boils down to - I still have a fear of being alone.





The future belongs to those who can embrace it. Life is so confusing at times. One minute I know exactly what I want, then something happens and I lose sight of what it is I originally wanted. I have almost 3 1/2 yrs of sobriety, and to be quite honest, I never knew I would make it this far. Of all the trials I have gone through, I can honestly say that trials of the heart are more troublesome than addiction. I think that with my heart being up on the chopping block so much in the last year alone, it has become a problem so that every time I turn around, my heart is being broke all over again. I know that I put my heart out there so fast that it's crazy. I just wish I could let go of the fear of being alone. That way I might not jump without looking first.





I was told in the past, that feelings equal drama or lies. I see now, that isn't true. Feelings are a validation of being human. Feelings are who you are. I have learned that if someone can't handle how I feel, no, I'm not lying, or being dramatic, I'm just telling you how I feel.





To make more sense of what I am writing, I'll tell you where the whole feelings = lying, came from. Before I gave up on making my marriage work, we tried counseling. During a very eventful session, the counselor asked me how I felt. So I started telling the counselor and my now ex-husband, how I felt. About 30 seconds into me telling them how I felt, my ex decided to interrupt and tell the counselor that I was lying. The counselor tried to tell my ex that expressing my feelings doesn't mean that I am lying, and that it's ok for me to feel neglected, etc... My ex decided that he'd had enough. He stood up told us both to f-off, and walked out of the office. I sat there for a complete 20 seconds before the counselor told me that for the first time in 15 yrs of marriage counseling, he had finally seen a marriage that will never work. So I appologized for wasting his time and left.





You would think that with that as evidence that my feelings are true, and not a lie, I would be able to express them a lot easier. Not true. In the course of almost 10 yrs since my divorce, I have been with guys that have told me the same thing. Like I said earlier in this post, humiliation is a hard emotion to conquer. The sad part, is that sometimes, a person's feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you. Sometimes a person's feelings are just what they are feeling at that time. I think that once the rest of the population figures this out, there won't be any more problems. I have a hard time understanding why a person gets humiliated from another's feelings, but I have proof that it exists.





I was going through my journal once again, and the first couple of times I read through it, I was actually embarassed at some of the things I wrote. (thank god I'm the only one who will ever read it) Then I read through it a couple more times, and to be quite honest, I have nothing to be embarassed about. It wasn't necesarily the person, or the situation I was writing about. If I look closely, it's the feeling, the emotion, or lack of either at that time. It is so amazing what can happen and a person can live through.





I can say that I am amazed at who I have become in the last year. I have grown so much to become who I am. Every feeling that I get, I haven't missed life yet. Only when I stop to think about it. I realize how fortunate I really am. Without imagination, nothing is too dangerous. You can not know what you can not feel. There are two ways of spreading light... To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects the candle. Love life the way you should be loved.





I haven't been able to go out and count stars. The weather really is killing me lately. I can't wait for spring.


You know, I don't have any more answers than anyone else. I am as scared as anyone else of just going through the motions in life, of not getting anywhere. All I know is that time really is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along. raise your hand if you want to look back on your years and wonder where they have gone. You have to carpe the diem. That is what I hope for myself, as I live. I know it doesn't matter if I think I'm good enough or not, this is me, and that's why this is called MY story. Love is worth nothing if you don't have the patience to go with it.





Live life to the fullest.


Love life with the mostest


Love yourself with unselfishness


And enjoy the reward of a happy fulfilled life.

Don't Put A Label on ME!!

From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til ya make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care anymore.

It's funny to think that in the past all I ever worried about was what people thought of me. My own self-worth was counted on their opinion of who and what I was.

It's amazing that starting school has done more for me in the past couple of weeks, than I ever though it would. The classes that I have are truly amazing classes. My Strategies class is to teach me how to accept who I am and to be proud of it. My Ethics class is to teach me about my own morals and the morals of the world. My Psychology class is teaching me how other people act, and how I can accept their behaviors. My Public Speaking class is teaching me how to let go of the fear of being center of attention. In each of my classes I have learned SO much already, and it's just beginning...

I noticed in almost all my older posts, I have mentioned meeting new people, some good, some I wish I could forget that I ever met them. Again, I am posting on the people I have met in the last little while. There are some truly amazing people out there, and in the last little while, I have met a good portion of them. I think that no matter the situation, the only way you can move on in life is to look at the person as a whole, not as an outward appearance. I have always thought that the true person lies inside of the shell, I now know that this is true. I just hope that others will give me the same and get to know me before they judge me.

In the past I have been so insecure that it has completely destroyed my past relationships. Whenever a relationship didn't work, the first thing I said was, "what is wrong with me?" When in reality, I should of just realized that it just didn't work out. It wasn't necessarily something I did, or something that he did. It just didn't work out. Finally I have it figured out that no matter how much I like the guy, if he doesn't want what I want, I can't keep stressing about it not working out, and just move on. Sometimes being a friend is better than nothing.

I haven't been able to go out and count stars a whole lot lately, mainly because of the weather, and second, because the trampoline got hit with a huge tree, and hasn't been fixed yet. I know that summer is on it's way with the way the weather has been behaving. At least I have that to look forward to. So even though I haven't seen my stars a whole lot lately, it doesn't mean I don't realize that they are there for me, no matter the situation, they will always be there for me. Just like my friends and family. Even those who have become important parts of my life lately. I love my stars, just as I love my friends and family. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have them.

Love life to the fullest, and enjoy the rewards of a happy fulfilled life, full of love.

When It's Too Cold....

I was asked the other day why I haven't been typing on my blog. I honestly think that it's because it's too cold outside, and I get most of my inspiration from counting stars. It's amazing what can happen in a couple of months. I have met more wonderful people, and honestly it took me a minute to relax and smell the snow.

I was talking to someone very close to me, and we were talking about how far I've come in almost a year. I had no clue who I was when I pulled my head out of the water. I don't know if I ever really did know who I was, but I always have that quote "fake it til you make it" in my head. I don't think I need to fake it anymore. If you don't like me for who I am, then leave.

I have had people tell me that I'm too abrasive. I'm not, promise. I'm just honest. One of the human's hardest emotions to deal with is humiliation. I am amazed on a daily basis on how many times I see humiliation and how people try to ignore the fact that they've been humiliated by their own behavior. Instead they try to blame what ever the situation is, on someone close by. Unfortunately, I've been that close person one too many times. I'm done!

Every year on New Year's, I make a resolution to myself to make one thing better in my life. I figure since I have an entire year, why not? This year I decided to break my own tradition, and not make a resolution. Why? I don't really know why. I've always reached my old resolutions. I think since last year was such a terrible year, I'm not looking to repeat it any time soon. I finally agree with the saying "time heals all wounds" but I sure wouldn't miss those wounds at all if they chose to no longer visit me.

I may not go to church every week, but I do believe in a "Higher Power". I have realized that the times when I thought my heart couldn't take any more, there was always someone there. I have never been alone in my entire life. And I thank God for that. The heart and the brain are both very powerful. The heart can take the most brutal hit, stab, etc... and still be able to function. The brain can help the heart through those tough times. The brain is what tells your entire being, who you want to be, and how you want to go about being that person. The brain can make you either happy or sad, help you through an important test, etc. I think the most important things my brain has succeeded in doing are, making it so I can cope with loss, and making it so I can conquer addiction.

Once again you have had to deal with my sporadic brain. I don't apologize. If you don't like how scattered my thoughts are, don't read my blog. I'll still love you anyway. And I know this one is short, but my brain is telling me it's time to go to sleep.

I actually went outside tonight with my 3 comforters, my heat blanket, and laid down on the trampoline (thank god it was mostly dry) to count stars. It was pretty cold, but it was worth it. I missed my stars. Just like I missed me. I finally found myself, and I am damn proud with who I am. I learn new things every day, and those are the life lessons that make me who I am.

Must I Have a Shattered Heart?

Take the time to think. Take the time to feel. You can see my heart. I am so terrified. I have almost given up hope. I know that this could be something. Everything we do and words we say just take my breath away. And now I'm left with nothing. I remember the look on your face made it hard to breathe. So I close my eyes and drift away. And dream of a time when I was in control of my heart.
The first brush stroke is solid. The second falls between another page of the life that was almost hers. That one phone call was the one what shattered her heart. She dropped the phone in disbelief. She couldn't believe that this could be happening to her again. How is it, that the pain settles upon her shattered heart and will not move?
Nothing about you is predictable, you got me all twisted and confused. Up until now I thought I knew love. Pleasures are burning. Love I can see, nothing will be just like it was. A sweet surprise that I can get used to. I give you all the love that I can give. I gave you all that I had inside. I keep trying for you. This is no ordinary love.... Didn't I tell you what would happen? Didn't I tell you that you would shatter my heart? This is no ordinary love. She's falling........
I want to believe. I want to hope. I want to feel the love that I know we can have. Why are you scared? What can I do? I want you to open up and be with me. I don't know how I can cure the pain that has been presented to you in the past. I know it's there. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. Please tell me what I can do to help you.
She picked up the phone with that disbelief still in her heart. How can this happen again? Why does she keep putting herself into these type of situations? Why is she so insecure? All she has ever wanted was to be loved. Her pain is glowing inside her. Her heart is shattered. Will it ever be repaired? She holds the last rose in her hand, with a velvet kiss, she has been destroyed. Will this ever end? She closes her blind eyes to the past, and is fascinated by the future. All she can do is move forward, fearlessly. She can hide the pain. She can do this.
In the meadow of her dreams, she can have the love she craves. A piece of paper isn't what is needed for her. Just the knowledge that love does exist. She brushes the tall waving grass with her hands. She can feel the love all around her. The silver band of life is taking over her heart. This is her place where she can dream freely. This is her place. Until the day that she feels she can trust again with her heart, this is where she will stay. Until the day that her shattered heart is healed, she will be. Until the day that she can share with her one true heart, she will be imprisoned. Alone. But in the back of her mind, she always wonders where he is, what he is doing, and is he thinking of her the way she thinks of him...
Do not fear the heart, for it will never stray you wrong. Knowing what I feel when I am with you, I know that the future can be ours. Please don't forget about our time together while we are apart. Remember the sparks, the electricity. Don't forget me. Please.