Maybe, Just Maybe...

So I have now hit my 3 1/2 anniversary. Honestly I never knew I would make it this far. I think that if I had to do it all over again, I would still make the same decisions. Only because those decisions made me who I am today.

I understand that I still have character defects, and I want to thank my friends for pointing them out to me. It's a lot easier to see those problems and try to fix them, than to not know they exist, and never fix them. I have been told recently by a sweet friend, that I spend way too much time on my phone. This is so true. I rely entirely too much on my phone for comfort. Up until recently, I always thought that if my phone wasn't ringing or a text coming in, I wasn't important. I have realized that the importance has to come from me first. Just like the whole priority thing. I was 110% positive that my daughter was my #1 priority before I went to rehab. Until I was made to see that no, she's not. If I don't take care of myself as #1, then how am I to take care of my daughter. Well, the same goes for being important. If I don't see myself as important, then I can't be made to believe it by anyone else until I do. It's amazing what you can see when you finally see the truth to life. At least now I can move on with confidence, and leave my phone at home. My friend is right, the economy now relies too much on the cell phone to do the work. We need to set our phones aside, and get out and physically talk to our friends. No more relying on the phone to do our work. We have become entirely too dependent on our phones. My goal this week is to treat my phone as if it was a home phone. Since I am never home though, my phone will be left in my car. I know this is a far stretch, considering my phone is always in my hand, but I think I can do it. This will show me that I am important to myself, that I don't need constant reassurance that I am important.

On the drive home last night from hanging out with some friends in Morgan, I pulled over to look at the sky. Every time I go up there, I think about the one guy. The one I've always had a crush on. What's he up to, what's new in his world? Does he ever think about me? Honestly, this is an entire different subject that I will share with you later. Back to Morgan. You can definitely see more stars up there. It was an amazing show. Each little star is important to us in it's own unique way. No one has ever told those stars they are important, they just know it. They don't have to be told, they just know. Each of these little stars are so incredibly strong. They fight through light years, just so we can see how beautiful they are. Even though it was freezing, I stayed out there for almost a half hour. This is the part where I convinced myself that I can do this. I am strong enough. I've been through much harder things before. I know that trials of the heart are the hardest to conquer, but like I said, I've made it through before. I can do it again. And maybe, just maybe, everything will work out.

Actions Speak Lounder than Words

In the past month, I can honestly say that my emotions have been one crazy roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns, flips, you name it, my emotions have been there. It's not anyone's fault but MY OWN. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, and that fact alone has allowed a lot of heartache that I caused myself. Mainly because I judge the situation from the past before I give the talker the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe that person isn't the same as the person from the past. Then next thing I know I've put my foot in my mouth again. The good part about it all? I have learned so much about myself. I just hope that patience can work until I get over this whole thing...

One of the major things I have finally come to accept is that actions speak louder than words. I have had so many promises broken in the past 10 years, that I have finally come to the conclusion that you can talk all you want, but until you can show me, I'm sorry, but I won't believe you. I really need to get over that. I need to quit judging those around me now, by those I have chose to let go. I have a serious problem of expressing myself too openly for some people to understand. The way I see it is if I tell you how I feel, what I'm thinking, then you won't have any question as to where you stand in my eyes. Unfortunately, I don't get the same in return with those that I would like to have it from. Not their fault. Just because others don't express themselves openly doesn't make them a bad person. It actually can make them a better person because they actually think before they speak. Unlike me.

Thanks to my past, I have a hard time accepting words. Something I need to work on with myself. In the past, broken promises were just a subtle reminder that I just wasn't very important to that person. I was talking to a friend earlier today and I was told that my problems aren't necessarily with me, they're with the subconscious decisions that I make. Who I choose to surround myself with, etc. That doesn't mean that I surround myself with bad people, I just surround myself with people who don't think and act like I do. Which in turn causes confusion, which leads to a broken heart. Again, ALL MY FAULT. I have met some truly wonderful people in the last 6 months alone. Each and everyone of them are special in their own way. Each of them taught me something new about myself. Thank you, you know who you are.

One of the MAJOR problems I have lately is I speak and act before I think. Again, I can thank my past for this one too. In the past, unless I said what was on my mind at that time, I would bow down and accept that what I had to say wasn't important, and therefore never be able to express my feelings. I am no longer like this, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I say things that are on my mind at that moment. Unfortunately, I am worried that me being like this scares people away from me. I guess that when I feel like I have been hurt, I feel like I need to let that person know fast, so that I don't get scared, and never let them know. The thing is, every time in my past I have been hurt, I was too scared to let that person know that they hurt me. Now, I'm scared that if I don't tell the person that I'm hurt, I'll never have the courage to tell them later, after I've cooled off. I'll never know if whatever method I've used is right. I'm sorry.

I came in touch with a wonderful friend of mine this last week that I haven't talked to in almost 7 years. I totally understand the quote, "your true friends will always be there, they will love you no matter what" now. It feels wonderful to know that I didn't speak to him for so long, and he's still there. Just like my Oakley family. We didn't speak for almost 15 years, and when we started talking again, it was just like the time missed was never missed. I feel so fortunate to have the people in my life that I do at this time and place right now. I can't express how much it means to me that I know I can pick up my phone and call my family out in Oakley, or my immediate family, or my wonderful friends that I have now, and know that I will get a response. I can honestly say that is true love. Love isn't expressed by what you can have between the sheets, but how someone can listen to what you have to say, and if needed, respond. Love will also allow you to listen when they need someone to talk to too. It's kind of funny that until lately I always thought that true love is what you have with your spouse or significant other. I was wrong. The entire part of true love is how you show those around you how much you care, and respect them, and don't expect anything back but respect. Whether it be a friend, spouse, etc..

Because it's cold outside, I only went out for a short amount of time earlier and was counting the stars. There are billions upon billions out there. Just because you can only see a tiny amount of them, doesn't mean the others aren't there for you to see. Each and every one is unique. I can't judge each new star from the last one I saw. The new one might be more wonderful, more brilliant than any I've ever seen before. Even if you haven't seen some of the stars for years. You just have to look in the right direction, and you will see what is truly there for you to see. If what you see, you don't like, change yourself to make your view a better one, and don't judge from the past. You can't change anyone but yourself. Just as long as the changes you make are to make you better as a person, and make you happy, then do it. There are billions upon billions of options out there to make you happy. It's up to you to choose those that will. Don't settle for less than who you are, and strive to reach for those that will make you truly happy. Openly communicate so that there isn't any doubt as to where you are. Have patience, think first. You don't want to lose the view of a beautiful star because you didn't think before you spoke.

Love like you've never loved before, like it could disappear at any moment. Don't let love slip through your fingers. Embrace it with all you have. Even if it's the love of a friend, family member, etc just remember, no one has ever died from having too much love in their lives.

Blessed Be...

Dumb Dumb Dizzy Dizzy Dumb Dumb

Of all the "moments" in my life, I think lately I have made some interesting discoveries. I have realized that if I feel like I am losing control, I don't think, and I try to hold on with everything I have. It makes me wonder if anyone else does that. Life can throw a powerful curve ball, if we're ready for it, we can hit a home run. If we aren't, we'll strike out.

"Look inside yourself, to find you". I was told this earlier today. Sometimes I speak or act before I think, and sometimes that behavior bites me in the butt. I was also told earlier to think about what I want in life. The main thing I think everyone wants, including myself, is to be happy. The hard part is, what truly makes me happy? How many times does it take before it gets through? No more wasting time. If I could find a different path, that would lead me to something better, I guarantee I would go. A broken heart, an empty soul, the vicious cycle that makes life's miracles. In the end it makes me so much stronger. It also makes me appreciate what I have, when I have it, and to NOT push it away. Give it time.

Since I couldn't sleep I decided to get all my blankets out and go count stars. The moon is half full. As I was lying there I saw a beautiful falling star. It reminded me of the last couple days. I met a wonderful person a couple of months ago. He has spirit, a warm soul, and a beautiful heart of gold, and he helps me laugh at myself. I don't know how I got so lucky to of met him. The one thing I need to really remember is to be myself. The sad part is I think we will just be friends. Though one star fell, there are millions of others to help keep your hopes up that there will always be stars to count, and love to accept and keep.

Dream of Beautiful Things...

Diamonds in the Sky

Walking on the beach, with the beautiful baked sun.
Dreaming of sunset skies, suddenly shaping the earth.
Wishing I could fly, faithfully forward reaching for your touch, a moths wing on my lips, a warm light breeze that blazes my too long cold heart.
Set me as a seal upon your heart... as a seal upon your arm... for love is as strong as we wish it to be.
Here is the root of the root... and the bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life. Which grows higher than the soul can hope, or the mind can hide.
It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
Like diamonds in the sky.
I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart, as we walk on the beach, with the beautiful baked sun.

Dreaming of diamonds in the sky.

SPRING!!

With spring just around the corner, it makes me wonder, what changes will I make to my life this year. To me the year doesn't start until the snow melts, and the flowers start to come up. This year, I will be starting school again. I know, I'm old, but I've heard that it's never too late to make a good change in your life. I can't wait to experience those "firsts" this year.

One of my goals this year is to see as many different places as I can. I heard last night that there are places here in Utah that have amazing wild flower fields. I never knew that Utah had places like this, so I want to find as many as I can. I would also like to get up to Yellowstone with my daughter. I've been talking about it for so long, that if it doesn't happen this year, well, we won't go there.

Last night I was outside counting stars, the sky was a remarkable beauty. She pulled out all the stops, and let it shine. It was still cold, but I'm sure that is about to change. Just like my life. I've pulled out all the stops. I am who I am, if you don't like it, too bad. I won't change myself for you, or for anyone else. I have feelings just like everyone else, and I am no longer scared to share those feelings with those I hold dear to my heart. At least I know of one constant in my life. It doesn't matter how thick the clouds, I know my stars will always be there for me. I might lose sight of my goals, etc. but the stars will always be there, just like spring will always be right around the corner.

Falling....

With life breathing down my neck, sometimes it's harder than usual to get my thoughts together. Fear can make my tongue feel like a ton of knots that make it hard for me to say the things I would like to say. Contemplation of the "pros" and "cons" of the words I would like to say keep me from saying them. What will happen if I tell that person exactly how I feel? Rules from the past start screaming at me, telling me that it's not my place to say it.

Patience.... What a cruel word. If patience is the only thing that can be pushed into my vocabulary at this time, I guess I better take the hint. Right? I think the only thing I can be sure of lately is where I am standing. Maybe. Of all the things I am NOT sure of, the one thing I AM sure of is that I'm not going anywhere at this time. Maybe if I actually turn this one over, I might find the instructions to life, and be able to move on with out the fear of being hurt, once again.

I try so hard to not let fear control my life, but when the past keeps repeating its self, what am I to do, but sit and wait for the storm to pass? In the process of trying to NOT repeat my past mistakes, I wonder, am I sitting in a pond full of flowers, or alligators? Am I waiting for something beautiful, or am I waiting for something that will hurt me? Then again those uncertain and unfamiliar things are truly what define life's greatest moments. A first date, a first connection, a nervous question, a strong embrace, an intimate moment, a first kiss, and smiling big while thinking that no one is watching. I have certainly covered a lot of enthrawling moments that life has to offer in the last month alone.

My thoughts on telapathy keeps coming back. I would love to know exactly what is going on in the brain, but then again, maybe it's not the best source of information. Maybe I won't like what I hear.

I have a lot of questions running amok in this brain of mine today. More than usual. The truly sad part of this whole day? I don't know the outcome, I can't see into the future.

I sat outside on the trampoline last night, it was beautiful, and warm. The stars were out shining their best. I had to consider the fact that sometimes life doesn't go the way I want it to. That sometimes there are stars that will fall, and there's nothing I can do about it. Just like life. Sometimes I will fall, and there is nothing I can do about it but make it through, pick myself up, dust off, and move on. Then there are the times that I feel like life has picked me up and I am floating through a dream, only to discover that when I am pinched, it hurts. I guess it's true that dreams can come true. Right?

Patience.

MY Story

Sometimes, I just don't know where to begin with this... My thoughts are so scattered that I can't think straight. I was told that when you write things down, it helps clear your mind. I think that sometimes that works, and sometimes it just adds to the thoughts.


From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til you make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care.





Fear is such a huge word. I tried to keep track of how many times I used the word fear in a conversation I was having earlier. I lost track after about 15-20 times. Why is fear such a powerful emotion? I think I should also add humiliation. I can't tell you how many times in a day I put my foot in my mouth. In this particular conversation from earlier, I was using the word fear, in place of being brave. The phrase "I am so scared of being hurt again," came out of my mouth so many times, that I think it has placed a block on my heart again. I used to have a hard time being myself around new people, now I don't care. If you don't like me for who I am, don't talk to me. The sad part? I think it all boils down to - I still have a fear of being alone.





The future belongs to those who can embrace it. Life is so confusing at times. One minute I know exactly what I want, then something happens and I lose sight of what it is I originally wanted. I have almost 3 1/2 yrs of sobriety, and to be quite honest, I never knew I would make it this far. Of all the trials I have gone through, I can honestly say that trials of the heart are more troublesome than addiction. I think that with my heart being up on the chopping block so much in the last year alone, it has become a problem so that every time I turn around, my heart is being broke all over again. I know that I put my heart out there so fast that it's crazy. I just wish I could let go of the fear of being alone. That way I might not jump without looking first.





I was told in the past, that feelings equal drama or lies. I see now, that isn't true. Feelings are a validation of being human. Feelings are who you are. I have learned that if someone can't handle how I feel, no, I'm not lying, or being dramatic, I'm just telling you how I feel.





To make more sense of what I am writing, I'll tell you where the whole feelings = lying, came from. Before I gave up on making my marriage work, we tried counseling. During a very eventful session, the counselor asked me how I felt. So I started telling the counselor and my now ex-husband, how I felt. About 30 seconds into me telling them how I felt, my ex decided to interrupt and tell the counselor that I was lying. The counselor tried to tell my ex that expressing my feelings doesn't mean that I am lying, and that it's ok for me to feel neglected, etc... My ex decided that he'd had enough. He stood up told us both to f-off, and walked out of the office. I sat there for a complete 20 seconds before the counselor told me that for the first time in 15 yrs of marriage counseling, he had finally seen a marriage that will never work. So I appologized for wasting his time and left.





You would think that with that as evidence that my feelings are true, and not a lie, I would be able to express them a lot easier. Not true. In the course of almost 10 yrs since my divorce, I have been with guys that have told me the same thing. Like I said earlier in this post, humiliation is a hard emotion to conquer. The sad part, is that sometimes, a person's feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you. Sometimes a person's feelings are just what they are feeling at that time. I think that once the rest of the population figures this out, there won't be any more problems. I have a hard time understanding why a person gets humiliated from another's feelings, but I have proof that it exists.





I was going through my journal once again, and the first couple of times I read through it, I was actually embarassed at some of the things I wrote. (thank god I'm the only one who will ever read it) Then I read through it a couple more times, and to be quite honest, I have nothing to be embarassed about. It wasn't necesarily the person, or the situation I was writing about. If I look closely, it's the feeling, the emotion, or lack of either at that time. It is so amazing what can happen and a person can live through.





I can say that I am amazed at who I have become in the last year. I have grown so much to become who I am. Every feeling that I get, I haven't missed life yet. Only when I stop to think about it. I realize how fortunate I really am. Without imagination, nothing is too dangerous. You can not know what you can not feel. There are two ways of spreading light... To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects the candle. Love life the way you should be loved.





I haven't been able to go out and count stars. The weather really is killing me lately. I can't wait for spring.


You know, I don't have any more answers than anyone else. I am as scared as anyone else of just going through the motions in life, of not getting anywhere. All I know is that time really is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along. raise your hand if you want to look back on your years and wonder where they have gone. You have to carpe the diem. That is what I hope for myself, as I live. I know it doesn't matter if I think I'm good enough or not, this is me, and that's why this is called MY story. Love is worth nothing if you don't have the patience to go with it.





Live life to the fullest.


Love life with the mostest


Love yourself with unselfishness


And enjoy the reward of a happy fulfilled life.