Sometimes.....

At time goes on in our lives, we often stop and wonder, "what if?" There are so many times that I have had that thought go through my mind in the last couple of months that it's mind numbing. The sad part about all those times is that I have let myself doubt my true feelings towards life. I let those "what if's" control my deepest desires, and the fear has taken over. I have always wondered why I allow these things to control me. I know I'm a strong person, with a warm heart, but the fear wiggles it's way into my heart and controls my every move. I wish there was a fear cure. I wish that there was some way I could rid my life of the fear. Then I turn around and look at all the times that I didn't allow the fear to control me, and I see all the blessings I have because I didn't.

I thought I was over the fear of being alone, and I didn't realize how truly OVER that fear I was until recently. I know I will live. I can look into my past and see where fear has taught me that I don't have to fear being alone. I know I can make it, I know I can live through another heart break. I have a feeling that that reason alone, is the reason I'm not scared of being alone anymore.

I'm not perfect, but I know I'm worth it. I've been waiting my whole life betting on a change. I see the change coming, but I shake with fear of what that change will bring. Will it bring pain, or warm sunshine. I'm starting to realize that change can be a good thing. Yes sometimes it brings pain, but for the most part, I grow from that change. I become a better person. Sometimes you have to lose to win. Right? I think I'm going to be OK...

I haven't had a chance to go count stars for a long time. Correction, I haven't allowed myself the time to count stars for a long time. Yes, the weather has been cold, but that's just an excuse. I know things that make me happy, and since I've been missing that happiness I have to look inside myself and figure out why. My happiness counts on me, and me only. No one can control my happiness, and it's about time I remind myself. For the last year I've counted on others to make me happy because I've been around people who can make me happy. What I didn't realize until now is that the only reason I am happy is because I allow myself to be happy. It's not because of the person I'm around. I know this all sounds so selfish, but it's so true! No one can control our emotions but ourselves. How can I have any sort of pride in myself, unless I put that pride there to begin with. I know the things I need to do to get that pride back, and it's about time I get off my ass and do it.

I know everyone gets into their little "funks," and unfortunately I get in mine and it takes a while for me to get back out. It's almost like I want to be depressed for a while. Like I want to see if I get any attention for it. And to be honest, I do, but I hate that kind of attention. I want the attention you get for being an amazing person on the inside and out! The great thing about that revelation is I know I am my biggest fan, and biggest supporter. WOW!! what a thing to realize!!

Now that I have my keys to what I need to do to make myself happy, it's time I get off my butt and get a move on. First things first, I'm going out to count the stars.

It's Been a While

It's interesting how life can change at a drop of a hat. I haven't written on here for a very long time, but I'm thinking that it's time to catch up...

I have almost 4 and a half years of sobriety now, and I'm still grateful for the things that I learned while I was "numb" to the world. At the time, when things are all going wrong, you always think that you just won't live to see the next day. I know part of the reason I have been able to conquer the trials that I have conquered is because of the strength of my family and friends. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I didn't have my family and friends, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have SO many people to thank for helping me become the person I am today. I know I've gone over and over in my head how my loved ones have helped, but I am a eternally grateful person, and feel that if you can't express your gratitude, then you aren't truly grateful.

My sister and her husband are true hearts. They have been through so much, and yet they are the remarkable people that I constantly look up to. They have never had to "borrow" money from parents, they always make it through the tough times, and they always stick together. They have had their fair share of trials, but those trials have made them the amazing, hard working people they are today. And for that reason, I look up to both of them with the up-most respect, admiration, and love.

My parents are another wonderful example. My mom has always held on to her faith. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to religion. Not once, that I have seen, has she ever faltered in her faith in the church. I have my questions, and concerns when it comes to the subject, but it doesn't matter what objections I come up with, she always has an answer. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to "working your fingers to the bone." She is the hardest worker I have ever known in my life. Always working, always trying, always succeeding, even though she doesn't always see the success, it's there. She always has wonderful advice, even though she doesn't know it, for a broken heart. And for those reasons, she deserves all the respect and love I have.
My dad has always been there for me. He always has great advice when it comes to me having "issues" with someone. He is the most nonjudgmental, non-hypocritical person I have ever known. He is always willing to accept someone, always willing to give them the trust that so many people take for granted. He was in the Korean war, suffers from post traumatic syndrome, and still is a hard worker. For those reasons, he has my respect and love.

My brother and his wife are truly amazing people also. I don't know my brother very well, we've honestly lost touch in the last 10 yrs, but anytime I have ever needed someone, not matter the situation, he has been there. It's so comforting to know that my big brother will always be there for me. He is an amazing hard worker to the point where he has lost numerous hours of sleep just to find the success that he has earned. My big brother is the most amazing when it comes to "rescuing" me. I don't think he knows it, but I look up to him, almost like some do a superhero. He has lost a couple very close friends in the last few years, and he is still as strong as ever. His wife, is one that I know I can always get a hug from, who has the most creative side. She always has a new crafty idea, for that I am envious. They both work incredibly hard, and for all these reasons, they have my respect, and undying love.

My daughter has been through more in her 12 yrs than a lot of adults have been through in their entire lives. The strength that she shows daily is truly amazing. She has been put in a home where love is not shown, where she is constantly being grounded for things that her step-mother lies about, and she is still a generous, unselfish little girl, with a huge heart. The love that seeps from her is an inspiration to me. She is very nonjudgmental, and refuses to be part of the gossip train at school. It breaks my heart that there are things that I didn't want her to know, like my addiction, but I hope that if she learns anything from me, it will be that addiction is not a way of life. When people say, "would you do anything for your child?" my answer will always be YES. She is my light on a stormy night. She is my inspiration.

There are so many people that I could add to my list, but that would take years, and years to express my gratitude, respect, and love for all of them.

I haven't been out to count stars in what seems like ages. I miss my stars, and I'm sure that once it warms up, I'll be reunited with them once again. I wasn't really going to go the way I did, but I honestly think that this was a pretty good post. I'm going to try and post more often, but I also know that sometimes life has it's own little surprises, and it just doesn't get done. I truly hope that my example can be an inspiration to someone, just like those who I love that are in my life are to me. I love you all, thank you.

Dream with your eyes wide open, it'll be a ride you don't want to miss.

a "Gut" feeling...

I have a gut feeling that it's going to rain today. I have a gut feeling that the Lakers are going to lose. I have a gut feeling that something good is going to happen today. I have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen today. These are all logical ways of using the phrase, "I have a gut feeling". In the past week that phrase has been used to try and ruin my reputation. I don't know how anyone can accuse someone of doing something off of a "gut feeling". I have also been on the brunt end of some cruel lies and jokes. One thing I can honestly say is, I know who I am, I know that I am a good person, and I know I didn't do the things that I have been accused of doing. Isn't that what matters? What you think of yourself? The crazy part is, there are those out there who don't know the "whole story" but they are fast to judge. That's part of the problem if you ask me.

It's been over a week since all of this "drama" went down, and everything has cooled off. I've moved into a friend's house for the time being, but I haven't been this happy in a very long time. I have learned so much about my limits, and what I'm willing to put up with. I now have a better idea of who I am. Imagine that!! Put someone through a bunch of drama that puts their reputation and integrity online, and that someone figures out who they are, and the limits they are willing to push within themselves.

I got an email from a special someone today and I would love to share it with you...

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much, they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You ARE special and unique.

8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

9. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.

10. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

11. Always remember the compliments you received, and forget the rude remarks.

12. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know, and you will both be happy.

13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.


I haven't been out to count stars very much lately. Time seems to be a factor. I haven't made the time to just go out, and relax and enjoy what my stars have to offer. That just goes to show that if you don't take time out for yourself, you don't have time for anything. I miss my stars, I'm sure they miss me. We had great conversations (mentally) night after night. I've just been so incredibly happy lately that it's hard to be down over me not going outside and counting the stars. I know they'll be there whenever I need them, and that goes to show that those who love you the most, even if you don't see or talk to them that often, will always be there for you.

In Due Time....

I haven't written on here for quite a while. There is a reason for that, but for now, I just want to up-date on what's been going on lately.

I started school in April. At first I was really apprehensive as to what I had just gotten myself into. Since the dreaded "first day" I have come to realize that I should of done this years ago. I love my classes. They are, Strategies, Ethics, Psychology, and Public Speaking. At first I really thought that I would hate Public Speaking, but to be quite honest, it's helping me with breaking out of my "shell". In Strategies, there is absolutely no way I could finish this class with the low self-esteem I started with. I basically makes you look at who you are, and what you can do to make yourself and your life better. The ways of reaching your goals, etc. In Ethics, I am learning so much about the world around me. There are so many things I didn't know were going on right in front of my face. In Psychology, I am learning about behaviors, etc. Why people act they way they do, and what I can do to cope with whatever comes my way. So to be honest, each of my classes is helping me become a stronger, more confident, me.

School aside, there has been a lot of other things going on, but to be quite honest, I think that at this point, I'm just going to enjoy the ride, and see where it takes me. I had a conversations with one of my "ex's" today, and it really hurt me. BAD. I allowed what he said, to actually hurt me. Didn't I learn the first time around with him? I couldn't figure out why I let this happen. Until I looked at the situation from an outward point of view. He wanted me back, I told him no. Even though we dated for a short ammout of time, habit from the past made me want to just forgive the pain he caused me, and let him back. Strength from who I am becoming, made me reject the idea. Unfortunately, he didn't like what I had to say, and he chose that time to tell me exactly what he thought of me, and tell me what he did while we were dating. Believe me, it hurt. Worse than just ripping my heart out, I actually let him jump on it once it hit the ground today. As the day progressed, I have had a lot of time to think. I know that in the past I have unknowingly sabotaged some of the relationships I was in because of my insecurities. I am so grateful that I can now look back and see where I made the mistakes. I trusted where trust shouldn't of trusted, I let go, where I should of held on, and I held on where I should of let go. It's interesting the things that happen that help you see the things that you completely missed the first time around.

Life is interesting in the way it goes about teaching you lessons. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't learned the lessons I have learned to this point, and I can't wait to learn what I am about to learn.

With the weather being so crazy lately, I haven't had very many opportunities to count my stars. I miss them. I don't know how I've done it without them, but I do know that NO MATTER WHAT, they will always be there for me. I will always have them there to protect me from the unknown of the universe. I am so grateful for everything they do for me. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank them properly. I do know that by living my life with my personal standards high, will be a start. I will no longer allow others to get me down. I am stronger, and there is no way I will allow that strength to be taken from me ever again. Just like I know that my stars will never let me down...

Maybe, Just Maybe...

So I have now hit my 3 1/2 anniversary. Honestly I never knew I would make it this far. I think that if I had to do it all over again, I would still make the same decisions. Only because those decisions made me who I am today.

I understand that I still have character defects, and I want to thank my friends for pointing them out to me. It's a lot easier to see those problems and try to fix them, than to not know they exist, and never fix them. I have been told recently by a sweet friend, that I spend way too much time on my phone. This is so true. I rely entirely too much on my phone for comfort. Up until recently, I always thought that if my phone wasn't ringing or a text coming in, I wasn't important. I have realized that the importance has to come from me first. Just like the whole priority thing. I was 110% positive that my daughter was my #1 priority before I went to rehab. Until I was made to see that no, she's not. If I don't take care of myself as #1, then how am I to take care of my daughter. Well, the same goes for being important. If I don't see myself as important, then I can't be made to believe it by anyone else until I do. It's amazing what you can see when you finally see the truth to life. At least now I can move on with confidence, and leave my phone at home. My friend is right, the economy now relies too much on the cell phone to do the work. We need to set our phones aside, and get out and physically talk to our friends. No more relying on the phone to do our work. We have become entirely too dependent on our phones. My goal this week is to treat my phone as if it was a home phone. Since I am never home though, my phone will be left in my car. I know this is a far stretch, considering my phone is always in my hand, but I think I can do it. This will show me that I am important to myself, that I don't need constant reassurance that I am important.

On the drive home last night from hanging out with some friends in Morgan, I pulled over to look at the sky. Every time I go up there, I think about the one guy. The one I've always had a crush on. What's he up to, what's new in his world? Does he ever think about me? Honestly, this is an entire different subject that I will share with you later. Back to Morgan. You can definitely see more stars up there. It was an amazing show. Each little star is important to us in it's own unique way. No one has ever told those stars they are important, they just know it. They don't have to be told, they just know. Each of these little stars are so incredibly strong. They fight through light years, just so we can see how beautiful they are. Even though it was freezing, I stayed out there for almost a half hour. This is the part where I convinced myself that I can do this. I am strong enough. I've been through much harder things before. I know that trials of the heart are the hardest to conquer, but like I said, I've made it through before. I can do it again. And maybe, just maybe, everything will work out.

Actions Speak Lounder than Words

In the past month, I can honestly say that my emotions have been one crazy roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns, flips, you name it, my emotions have been there. It's not anyone's fault but MY OWN. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, and that fact alone has allowed a lot of heartache that I caused myself. Mainly because I judge the situation from the past before I give the talker the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe that person isn't the same as the person from the past. Then next thing I know I've put my foot in my mouth again. The good part about it all? I have learned so much about myself. I just hope that patience can work until I get over this whole thing...

One of the major things I have finally come to accept is that actions speak louder than words. I have had so many promises broken in the past 10 years, that I have finally come to the conclusion that you can talk all you want, but until you can show me, I'm sorry, but I won't believe you. I really need to get over that. I need to quit judging those around me now, by those I have chose to let go. I have a serious problem of expressing myself too openly for some people to understand. The way I see it is if I tell you how I feel, what I'm thinking, then you won't have any question as to where you stand in my eyes. Unfortunately, I don't get the same in return with those that I would like to have it from. Not their fault. Just because others don't express themselves openly doesn't make them a bad person. It actually can make them a better person because they actually think before they speak. Unlike me.

Thanks to my past, I have a hard time accepting words. Something I need to work on with myself. In the past, broken promises were just a subtle reminder that I just wasn't very important to that person. I was talking to a friend earlier today and I was told that my problems aren't necessarily with me, they're with the subconscious decisions that I make. Who I choose to surround myself with, etc. That doesn't mean that I surround myself with bad people, I just surround myself with people who don't think and act like I do. Which in turn causes confusion, which leads to a broken heart. Again, ALL MY FAULT. I have met some truly wonderful people in the last 6 months alone. Each and everyone of them are special in their own way. Each of them taught me something new about myself. Thank you, you know who you are.

One of the MAJOR problems I have lately is I speak and act before I think. Again, I can thank my past for this one too. In the past, unless I said what was on my mind at that time, I would bow down and accept that what I had to say wasn't important, and therefore never be able to express my feelings. I am no longer like this, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I say things that are on my mind at that moment. Unfortunately, I am worried that me being like this scares people away from me. I guess that when I feel like I have been hurt, I feel like I need to let that person know fast, so that I don't get scared, and never let them know. The thing is, every time in my past I have been hurt, I was too scared to let that person know that they hurt me. Now, I'm scared that if I don't tell the person that I'm hurt, I'll never have the courage to tell them later, after I've cooled off. I'll never know if whatever method I've used is right. I'm sorry.

I came in touch with a wonderful friend of mine this last week that I haven't talked to in almost 7 years. I totally understand the quote, "your true friends will always be there, they will love you no matter what" now. It feels wonderful to know that I didn't speak to him for so long, and he's still there. Just like my Oakley family. We didn't speak for almost 15 years, and when we started talking again, it was just like the time missed was never missed. I feel so fortunate to have the people in my life that I do at this time and place right now. I can't express how much it means to me that I know I can pick up my phone and call my family out in Oakley, or my immediate family, or my wonderful friends that I have now, and know that I will get a response. I can honestly say that is true love. Love isn't expressed by what you can have between the sheets, but how someone can listen to what you have to say, and if needed, respond. Love will also allow you to listen when they need someone to talk to too. It's kind of funny that until lately I always thought that true love is what you have with your spouse or significant other. I was wrong. The entire part of true love is how you show those around you how much you care, and respect them, and don't expect anything back but respect. Whether it be a friend, spouse, etc..

Because it's cold outside, I only went out for a short amount of time earlier and was counting the stars. There are billions upon billions out there. Just because you can only see a tiny amount of them, doesn't mean the others aren't there for you to see. Each and every one is unique. I can't judge each new star from the last one I saw. The new one might be more wonderful, more brilliant than any I've ever seen before. Even if you haven't seen some of the stars for years. You just have to look in the right direction, and you will see what is truly there for you to see. If what you see, you don't like, change yourself to make your view a better one, and don't judge from the past. You can't change anyone but yourself. Just as long as the changes you make are to make you better as a person, and make you happy, then do it. There are billions upon billions of options out there to make you happy. It's up to you to choose those that will. Don't settle for less than who you are, and strive to reach for those that will make you truly happy. Openly communicate so that there isn't any doubt as to where you are. Have patience, think first. You don't want to lose the view of a beautiful star because you didn't think before you spoke.

Love like you've never loved before, like it could disappear at any moment. Don't let love slip through your fingers. Embrace it with all you have. Even if it's the love of a friend, family member, etc just remember, no one has ever died from having too much love in their lives.

Blessed Be...

Dumb Dumb Dizzy Dizzy Dumb Dumb

Of all the "moments" in my life, I think lately I have made some interesting discoveries. I have realized that if I feel like I am losing control, I don't think, and I try to hold on with everything I have. It makes me wonder if anyone else does that. Life can throw a powerful curve ball, if we're ready for it, we can hit a home run. If we aren't, we'll strike out.

"Look inside yourself, to find you". I was told this earlier today. Sometimes I speak or act before I think, and sometimes that behavior bites me in the butt. I was also told earlier to think about what I want in life. The main thing I think everyone wants, including myself, is to be happy. The hard part is, what truly makes me happy? How many times does it take before it gets through? No more wasting time. If I could find a different path, that would lead me to something better, I guarantee I would go. A broken heart, an empty soul, the vicious cycle that makes life's miracles. In the end it makes me so much stronger. It also makes me appreciate what I have, when I have it, and to NOT push it away. Give it time.

Since I couldn't sleep I decided to get all my blankets out and go count stars. The moon is half full. As I was lying there I saw a beautiful falling star. It reminded me of the last couple days. I met a wonderful person a couple of months ago. He has spirit, a warm soul, and a beautiful heart of gold, and he helps me laugh at myself. I don't know how I got so lucky to of met him. The one thing I need to really remember is to be myself. The sad part is I think we will just be friends. Though one star fell, there are millions of others to help keep your hopes up that there will always be stars to count, and love to accept and keep.

Dream of Beautiful Things...