It Has Been a VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME.... (I forgot my password, OK?)

Wow, it has been a VERY long time. The last time I was on this blog was September 25, 2012. Honestly, I couldn't remember the log in and password for this blog. Crazy that 6 years later, almost to the day, I finally remembered the email and password!

I am so happy it's not even funny! I have tried and tried and tried over and over so many different passwords, only to be denied access. Then at one point, I couldn't even access the blog. Weird, right?

BUT - I am back! and I am ready to get going with this silly little blog once again. I still want to focus on my sobriety, but there are so many other aspects of life that I would love to share with anyone who is bored, and needs something human to read.

So here goes nothing.... AGAIN......

Today I am celebrating my 12th year of sobriety from heroin and cocaine. 12 Years of saying no to the fog, and yes to my life. I now have everything I need, to have the life I want. No, it's not always sunshine and rainbows, but on the days where the darkness wants to invade, I have powerful tools to help me through to the next day. I went through and read through some of my old posts on here, and to be completely honest, I was so lost! The crazy part is all this time, all I needed to do was just love myself unconditionally, treat others the way I want to be treated, and be happy with who, and what I am all about! I just had to stop talking about it and just do it. Just follow my own advice! I know, it's a lot easier to talk about things than it is to actually do them. But if you look at the rewards of your hard work, it becomes easier and easier each time.

Here is the funniest, craziest part of this entire blog. Every now and then I mention my high school crush. Well guess what? After being single for over 4 years, I am now happily together with my high school crush, and life couldn't be any better than it is on a daily basis. Isn't it weird how things work out? Things you think are important at the time end up not being important, and the things that you had in the back of your mind, end up being part of the most important part of your life.

So here is what I have learned in the last 6 years of not being able to remember the password on this blog and share with you......

One day it all catches up to you. Every ended relationship, every tear shed, every broken heart. You pick up the pieces, brush them off and you put them back together. Only each time you need a little more glue. Then, just like that, glue is no longer strong enough anymore. The cracks, the holes, the shattered dreams. They're a part of you. Try as you might, you can't fix what's been broken, you can't mend what's been torn. You're down trodden, pathetic, unable to go on... Or so you think. Then he walks into your life with a smile, with a whisper and a kiss, and you're no longer broken. Your world of grey becomes a little brighter, a little more colorful. The more time you spend with him, the more complete your once fragile, shattered heart becomes. Until one morning you wake up and it's just like that, you're in love and the grass is greener, the sky is more blue, and the past is the past. You are no longer consumed with regret, remorse, or pain. Yet in the back of your mind, one thing lingers... FEAR - fear of what you're risking, fear of going back, fear of being broken again, this time forever. Then he smiles and says those 3 words you've been longing to hear and nothing else matters. Your life is finally complete.

You'll come across so many people in your life. Some you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. The real miracle is when you spend time with yourself, learn who you are, find your true inner happiness, you suddenly realize that nothing can break you ever again, and that finally finding the other half of your soul was worth all the waiting, and pain of past relationships. This is the one and only for you.

Not everything turns into what you think it's supposed to be in life. And not everybody is supposed to just walk out of your life. Sometimes surprises and second chances do happen. And when they do, you can not be afraid to let them happen. I have realized that I was allowing fear to keep me from a second chance at something that could maybe, possibly be something worth looking into. The fear was making me not be able to actually have a conversation with people who were in my life, I had become a hermit, and in turn it pushed a lot of people away. But here's the funny part, those who stuck around are the ones who truly matter to me. They are the ones who love me for who I am, and what I have to offer them, even if it's nothing more than open ears and a closed mouth. 

Rumi once  wrote "surrender is the door one must pass through to find passion. I find this true especially when recognizing that the only enemy that ever existed are the eyes of ones own perception." You never know...

Short and Sweet...

This is going to be a short and sweet update. My life is going great. I have 5 years of sobriety (YAY ME!!) my daughter is 13 years old (god, help me) I have amazing friends, and family, I clean houses for a living (my own company!). You would be so surprised to see how some people can live. That TV show hoarders, yes, it really is a true thing. Some people do actually try to live like that. I don't know how, but they try. I have some of the most amazing clients that I am so grateful that I have gotten to know. I have lost touch with some of my friends, but I know that they will always be there for me. That's what a true friend is, right?

I am ready for spring. I'm done with winter. I want to be able to go out and talk to my friends, the stars. I miss talking to them, and figuring out my next step in life. BRING ON SPRING!!

Simply Amazing!! or is it??

To say the least life has it's curve balls. I honestly can't say what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. All I know is that as long as I am living my life to MY standards, I will be just fine. Live your life with perfect trust, perfect love, and harm to none. Those are my standards. I really don't see anything wrong with those standards, but there are those out there who will find a fault with them. I can't even begin to express my gratitude towards those in my life right now. I have an amazing daughter, an amazing family, and amazing extended family, and friends. I couldn't ask for better right now. So why am I struggling to be happy? Why do I feel like I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life?

It really is amazing to look at your current position and see what you have been through to get to where you are right now. What lessons have you learned? What trials have you overcome? I know that I will never have all the answers to all my questions, but to be honest, I'm quite content right now.

I have 5 years sobriety from my "addiction" and I am SO damn proud of myself. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't of been able to overcome that certain aspect of my life. I'd probably be dead right now...

I look at my blog, and all this time I have to admit, I have repeated myself so much! I'm not sorry though. This blog was started to express my thoughts. I don't have very many followers, and I really don't care. This is about my life, my trials, and my tribulations. If I can touch one person's life, then I have done my job. The sad part is, I used to be able to write what I think is some pretty good posts on here, but lately it feels like I just can't seem to get into the mood. Almost like I have writers block. Now I know how someone feels when they are trying to write an amazing story, and can't come up with the right words.

I have an amazing life right now. I have a job that I love, amazing friends, amazing roommates, and an amazing family. So why do I feel like something isn't right? I hope I can figure this out soon because I don't know how much longer I can go feeling so wrong... I have been thinking about my high school crush a lot lately. I wonder why he pops into my head so randomly? Is it really random, or is he always on my mind? Does he ever think of me?

I would love to go talk to my friends, but lately the sky is so full of pollution, that even if it wasn't freezing outside, I wouldn't be able to talk to them because I can't see them. I hope I get some answers soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know I am meant for something big in this life, and I just can't seem to figure out what it is... Wish me luck!?!?

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lessons we learn on a daily basis are sometimes forgotten in the turmoil of the day. I have to keep reminding myself to look and see what I have learned. Some lessons, I still don't know what I was supposed to learn, but I have faith that I will learn whatever it is eventually.

Another sweet friend passed away last night. I can't figure out why God keeps taking all these amazing people away from their loved ones, when there are child molesters, rapists, murders, etc... out there!! I know it's not for us to choose, and it's not for us to figure out, but GOOD LORD, why take the ones who are amazing, with people who love them with all their hearts, away? I don't know the answers, I don't think I ever will. I DO know that I will always question God as long as he keeps taking these amazing people away from their loved ones.

Time is such a valuable thing in life. Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time. Who can say if your love grows, as your heart shows, only time (Enya). I have realized lately that a lot of my thoughts are said in lyrics of songs. I have such a romantic heart. I have tried and tried to beat it out of my system, but I always end up being romantic in the end. I have chosen to let my heart go. I gave it away, tied with a big red ribbon. I don't know if I will ever get it back, but even if I don't, I will know that I loved enough to let it go.

You remember watching the silly Disney movies when you were little and thinking, "someday my prince will come rescue me," only to realize that when you get older your thinking changes to, "someday my prince will come after me, because I'm worth it." I know I'm worth it, I just don't know if he'll come after me... I guess the only thing I can do is just live my life, become who I know I can, and if things work out, they were meant to. But good HELL, it HURTS!!

These are the days of the endless summer, these are the days that time allowed. There are no clouds, there is only the future. There's only here, there's only now. I can hear your heart beat from a 1,000 miles, the heavens open every time you smile. Take away my trouble, take away my grief, take away my heartache, and give me peace. Because you gave me love of your heart, the kind that speaks to me. (another song lyric)

I FINALLY hit my 5 year sobriety mark!! YAY for ME!! right? Then why doesn't it feel like much? Why do I feel like it really wasn't that bad? Even though deep down where it should matter, I'm telling myself that I am amazing to be able to conquer such a feat... I wasn't expecting the world to name a national holiday after me, but to be honest, there was only one person who actually remembered. And I haven't even known her for very long. Jessica, you truly are amazing!! I know God places people into our lives who are there to teach us something, or we are supposed to teach them something. I don't know if I'm learning what I should be learning, or teaching what I'm supposed to teach, but I have faith that in time, I will.

All summer I kept forgetting about my best friends. I miss them so much. I didn't visit them very much, and I can definitely feel the difference. I know they are always there for me, and I know that if it wasn't raining outside right now, I could go and talk to them. I miss my stars, I will definitely work on visiting with them more.

Love with all you have,

have all your love around you.

You never know when your love will leave you,

so don't ever let it go.

Show your love your everything,

your love will show you more.

Give your heart without the strings,

and your love will show you the world...

Sweet Dreams

Bucket list from Hell?

Sometimes in life there are things you want to ignore, things you wish you could ignore, and things you just can't ignore. There are so many things rolling around in my head at this time in my life, that I'm scared that if I don't get them out, I'll burst. Or just lose everything that I want to say. Why does fear control so much of who we are? There are so many times in my life that I have doubted myself and my feelings, that I just want to beat my head against the door... and hope that something good answers the door.

In the last month I have been thinking about a bucket list. I have never really thought of that before, mainly because I was always altering my future with whom I was dating at the time. I didn't realize that until I had my "awakening" a while ago. I can't believe how willing I was to alter my own happiness for a man. So please excuse me while I go off on a tangent on what I want for my own bucket list. And please keep in mind that some of these "items" on MY list, might make you scratch your head in wonder, but they mean something to me. Deep down inside, where it really matters.

1- See a real firefly

2- See the northern lights

3- See a real whale in the ocean

4- Sleep on a beach

5- Spit off the Eiffel Tower

6- Ride on a motorcycle going 90 miles per hour and feel my hair fly

7- Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef (even though I am claustrophobic)

8- Conquer the fear of heights and maybe go bungee jumping or skydiving? Maybe?

9- Win a video game (any game, I don't care, as long as I win)

10-Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

11- See a Green Flash

12- See a real Sea Turtle in the ocean

13- Ride in a Gondola in Italy

14- Kiss the Blarney Stone

15- See Phantom of the Opera

16- Watch a Sunset with the one I love...

I have so much on my mind right now, so honestly there are a ton of things that I need to add to MY list, but right now, I honestly can't think of any.

I went camping with my wonderful family over Memorial Day this year, at Hyrum Lake, in UT. The first night we were there I thought that my life was in disarray. I had gotten in an argument with my boyfriend, and honestly needed something of a release. I didn't know I would find it in my long lost friends. The stars.

I took my telescope with me thinking that I would use it. I didn't. There was no moon out. As the entire camp went into their slumber, I snuck down to the dock. There were no clouds, no wind. Everything was still as if I had somehow put the world on pause. The lake was like glass. Reflective as a mirror. I had every thing I needed. Heaven and earth, in one place, at one time. I had my friends in the sky, winking down at me, and their beauty being reflected in the lake. I don't know exactly how long I laid on the dock, but I do know that I came to realize that I am done letting someone else make important decisions in my life. I will do the things that I want, when I want. I will do the things that make ME happy. And if you don't like it, sorry. Not really, but honestly if you don't like it, walk away. No one is forcing you to associate with me. So go right ahead and ignore me if you want, but it's no longer going to hurt me, or even touch me in the slightest. This will be the last you hear of me saying anything to draw attention to this matter. I. AM. DONE. I am myself, I am a strong woman, who has her own bucket list.

Is there such thing as a reality fairy tale? Honestly, what would happen if I left, because the words I was yearning to hear weren't said? Unfortunately the world has forgotten fairy tales, and only worry about money, money, and more money.... Don't get me wrong, money can make you comfortable, but can it make you truly happy? Will it bring your true love back? Does it make you truly happy? I understand that money will make things easier in life, but do you need that big house, the boat, the everything that money buys? Or do you need the truth of love? I have such a romantic soul. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of all the stupid books I read. or maybe because that's what I deserve. I won't know until it hits me like a brick wall. Before I leave you, I have just a few words that keep repeating in my mind. I don't know what they mean to me, and I don't know why they keep repeating themselves to me.... maybe you'll know after reading them. If you do, please let me know.

When I'm alone in the night, and the moon sheds its tears,

I know my world would come right, if only you were here.

Without you my heart is empty of all but the memories it keeps.

You, only you, stay inside me in the night while the moon weeps...

Open up your heart, and you'll find love.

This is our fate, I'm yours.

Sometimes.....

At time goes on in our lives, we often stop and wonder, "what if?" There are so many times that I have had that thought go through my mind in the last couple of months that it's mind numbing. The sad part about all those times is that I have let myself doubt my true feelings towards life. I let those "what if's" control my deepest desires, and the fear has taken over. I have always wondered why I allow these things to control me. I know I'm a strong person, with a warm heart, but the fear wiggles it's way into my heart and controls my every move. I wish there was a fear cure. I wish that there was some way I could rid my life of the fear. Then I turn around and look at all the times that I didn't allow the fear to control me, and I see all the blessings I have because I didn't.

I thought I was over the fear of being alone, and I didn't realize how truly OVER that fear I was until recently. I know I will live. I can look into my past and see where fear has taught me that I don't have to fear being alone. I know I can make it, I know I can live through another heart break. I have a feeling that that reason alone, is the reason I'm not scared of being alone anymore.

I'm not perfect, but I know I'm worth it. I've been waiting my whole life betting on a change. I see the change coming, but I shake with fear of what that change will bring. Will it bring pain, or warm sunshine. I'm starting to realize that change can be a good thing. Yes sometimes it brings pain, but for the most part, I grow from that change. I become a better person. Sometimes you have to lose to win. Right? I think I'm going to be OK...

I haven't had a chance to go count stars for a long time. Correction, I haven't allowed myself the time to count stars for a long time. Yes, the weather has been cold, but that's just an excuse. I know things that make me happy, and since I've been missing that happiness I have to look inside myself and figure out why. My happiness counts on me, and me only. No one can control my happiness, and it's about time I remind myself. For the last year I've counted on others to make me happy because I've been around people who can make me happy. What I didn't realize until now is that the only reason I am happy is because I allow myself to be happy. It's not because of the person I'm around. I know this all sounds so selfish, but it's so true! No one can control our emotions but ourselves. How can I have any sort of pride in myself, unless I put that pride there to begin with. I know the things I need to do to get that pride back, and it's about time I get off my ass and do it.

I know everyone gets into their little "funks," and unfortunately I get in mine and it takes a while for me to get back out. It's almost like I want to be depressed for a while. Like I want to see if I get any attention for it. And to be honest, I do, but I hate that kind of attention. I want the attention you get for being an amazing person on the inside and out! The great thing about that revelation is I know I am my biggest fan, and biggest supporter. WOW!! what a thing to realize!!

Now that I have my keys to what I need to do to make myself happy, it's time I get off my butt and get a move on. First things first, I'm going out to count the stars.

It's Been a While

It's interesting how life can change at a drop of a hat. I haven't written on here for a very long time, but I'm thinking that it's time to catch up...

I have almost 4 and a half years of sobriety now, and I'm still grateful for the things that I learned while I was "numb" to the world. At the time, when things are all going wrong, you always think that you just won't live to see the next day. I know part of the reason I have been able to conquer the trials that I have conquered is because of the strength of my family and friends. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I didn't have my family and friends, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have SO many people to thank for helping me become the person I am today. I know I've gone over and over in my head how my loved ones have helped, but I am a eternally grateful person, and feel that if you can't express your gratitude, then you aren't truly grateful.

My sister and her husband are true hearts. They have been through so much, and yet they are the remarkable people that I constantly look up to. They have never had to "borrow" money from parents, they always make it through the tough times, and they always stick together. They have had their fair share of trials, but those trials have made them the amazing, hard working people they are today. And for that reason, I look up to both of them with the up-most respect, admiration, and love.

My parents are another wonderful example. My mom has always held on to her faith. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to religion. Not once, that I have seen, has she ever faltered in her faith in the church. I have my questions, and concerns when it comes to the subject, but it doesn't matter what objections I come up with, she always has an answer. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to "working your fingers to the bone." She is the hardest worker I have ever known in my life. Always working, always trying, always succeeding, even though she doesn't always see the success, it's there. She always has wonderful advice, even though she doesn't know it, for a broken heart. And for those reasons, she deserves all the respect and love I have.
My dad has always been there for me. He always has great advice when it comes to me having "issues" with someone. He is the most nonjudgmental, non-hypocritical person I have ever known. He is always willing to accept someone, always willing to give them the trust that so many people take for granted. He was in the Korean war, suffers from post traumatic syndrome, and still is a hard worker. For those reasons, he has my respect and love.

My brother and his wife are truly amazing people also. I don't know my brother very well, we've honestly lost touch in the last 10 yrs, but anytime I have ever needed someone, not matter the situation, he has been there. It's so comforting to know that my big brother will always be there for me. He is an amazing hard worker to the point where he has lost numerous hours of sleep just to find the success that he has earned. My big brother is the most amazing when it comes to "rescuing" me. I don't think he knows it, but I look up to him, almost like some do a superhero. He has lost a couple very close friends in the last few years, and he is still as strong as ever. His wife, is one that I know I can always get a hug from, who has the most creative side. She always has a new crafty idea, for that I am envious. They both work incredibly hard, and for all these reasons, they have my respect, and undying love.

My daughter has been through more in her 12 yrs than a lot of adults have been through in their entire lives. The strength that she shows daily is truly amazing. She has been put in a home where love is not shown, where she is constantly being grounded for things that her step-mother lies about, and she is still a generous, unselfish little girl, with a huge heart. The love that seeps from her is an inspiration to me. She is very nonjudgmental, and refuses to be part of the gossip train at school. It breaks my heart that there are things that I didn't want her to know, like my addiction, but I hope that if she learns anything from me, it will be that addiction is not a way of life. When people say, "would you do anything for your child?" my answer will always be YES. She is my light on a stormy night. She is my inspiration.

There are so many people that I could add to my list, but that would take years, and years to express my gratitude, respect, and love for all of them.

I haven't been out to count stars in what seems like ages. I miss my stars, and I'm sure that once it warms up, I'll be reunited with them once again. I wasn't really going to go the way I did, but I honestly think that this was a pretty good post. I'm going to try and post more often, but I also know that sometimes life has it's own little surprises, and it just doesn't get done. I truly hope that my example can be an inspiration to someone, just like those who I love that are in my life are to me. I love you all, thank you.

Dream with your eyes wide open, it'll be a ride you don't want to miss.