Temper Tantrums....

Temper Tantrums - That's what happens when babies want one thing, and their mama knows they need something different. Then you end up feeling guilty because they act like it's the end of their world, and you're the one who pulled the rug out. Do temper tantrums actually work? I have probably the best temper out of anyone I have met. The only time my temper snaps lately is when I am alone. (thank goodness) Tonight I really wanted to throw a temper tantrum, but honestly, it wouldn't of gotten me anywhere. I had to swallow my embarrassment, and move on.
I am almost done reading my journal. In the last 3 years worth of writing, I have seen that I started out so very weak, needing constant reassurance of my worth, and now I am only getting stronger. I can actually laugh with my heart. I can actually mean that laughter, instead of it being fake. I can cry with happy tears, I can cry with sad tears. I thought that the day I walked out of detox I was starting my new beginning. Honestly, I think it has just begun. It's only been previews until recently.
I was reading through the Tao of Pooh the other day and one of my most favorite quotes is in that book. It reads...
To know the way,
we go the way;
We do the way
The way we do.
It's all here in front of you,
But if you try too hard to see it,
You'll only become confused.
I am me,
And you are you,
As you can see;
But when you do
The things that YOU can do,
You will find the way,
And the way will follow you.
by Benjamin Hoff
I wrote that quote down in my journal with my own thoughts as to the "meaning" of it. I'll leave it up to you on how you take it.
"The future belongs always to the believers, who are for something, never to those who are only against something." I never realized how true that statement was until I actually sat down and started a list of my "wants" and my "needs." I hope that doesn't sound too selfish, but honestly in the last 9 years I haven't had a chance to be selfish. In the last 6 years I was told that I was marriage material (a piece of paper), only to have that taken away from me time and time again. I told myself for the longest time that marriage wasn't a big deal to me, that I never wanted to be married again. I actually believed it. I don't now. I think to some marriage is thrown around, and isn't looked at as the "sacred unity" that I now think it is. The couple never really look at what they have, and eventually lose all interest in the other person. Then the "cheating" begins. I never really looked at the value of marriage until recently. I never thought I would ever think of myself as a "wife" ever again. I let fear, anger, and hurt, hide my true feelings on the subject. I can now happily say that I am marriage material, I am worth it, I will eventually be with the other side of my soul. I say, "practice hope. As hopefulness becomes a habit, you can achieve a permanently happy spirit." (another wonderful quote from my journal)
I guess we could call this my "breaking free" blog, but I just want to put out there that I am constantly learning. I have now become a new woman. Like I said, I laugh, and mean it. I am free, and I am powerful. I now allow myself to enjoy this freedom and power. My heart is filled with gratitude and excitement, knowing that wonderful people and situations surround me now. I am safe. I am secure. I am completely protected at all times. I listen to, honor, and follow my true feelings, knowing that they are answers to my prayers. I find the humor in life and I laugh easily and honestly. I have great beauty and light inside of me right now. I tap into all of the knowledge of the universe. I notice and embrace the new opportunities that are now in my life. I move forward fearlessly, trusting that each step I take is perfectly guided. I am safe, confident, and secure. I am excited about my future for the first time in my life. I speak my truth powerfully and lovingly. I trust in my strong feelings, and stand my ground in following them.
I always wondered what it would be like to be alone with an angel. I wondered the questions I would ask, and the answers I would receive. Going through my journal, I realized that all the questions were there, and the answers were there also. I just didn't want to see them. I look and see all of my questions that I had, were answered, with heart. I just needed to learn my own way of seeing the answers.
Let's talk about mountains. You start climbing one, you toil, you sweat, you finally reach the top, and what do you get? Well, along with a sense of accomplishment, of peace, of a job well done, along with the satisfaction of doing what you set out to do... You get a great view of the next mountain. Looming. Challenging. Calling your name. But wait! Don't feel like you have to take on that next mountain quite yet. Let's dwell on this one for a while. Lay there with your hands stretched out behind your head. Watch the clouds running across the sky and tell yourself you're on top of the world because in a sense you are. Just be for now, for you. Then when you're ready... Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put that pack on your back, and start climbing down. One foot in front of the other, that's all you can do. This walk never ends, you know. There's always another mountain. That's what makes life thrilling, exciting, and leaves you breathless. There are days, there are times, when you feel like you've walked so far, when the voice inside you is complaining that it's all uphill, that it always will be. And then, after all that, way beyond your beautiful blue horizon, you see the biggest mountains you've ever seen, and you think, "I can't do that." Well, I know I will always have someone who tells me that I can. I know that with those I surround myself with I can achieve the miracle. I can accept that I am worth it. I can do it.
Tonight while waiting for a phone call, I was counting stars. I can see Orion every time I look up to the sky. I think about his armor. His shield, his sword, his bow and arrow. I think about the armor I have unconsciously put around my heart. I know that this armor in the wrong hands can cause serious damage. I have lived through the damage. I may have the scars, but I know that the wounds that I allowed to be put there are healing. I can proudly admit that I have handed that armor over to more caring, loving hands. Finally. It is now my time to be me, to be my happy, to be my miracle, to accomplish my dreams with those I love surrounding me, supporting me. Now that the armor is gone, I can and will succeed at life, happiness, and most importantly, love.

Sweet Dreams My Love, Dream of Beautiful Things...

And Then There Was One.... little... iota.

One little thing can change a person. One little word, one little gesture, one little smile. You just never know exactly what it is that can change you. I have been looking into my past just so I can close that door. I want to make sure I have learned whatever lesson I was to learn, and move on. I never realized how fortunate I was until I actually looked back and saw that there was always someone in my life at the time of whatever was going on, was there for me. There were so many times that I thought I was alone, but I now know, I never was. Not for one iota of a second. That iota of a second can change a person. How do we know? You look back.

I was so happy this last weekend. I was finally able to take my daughter out trick-or-treating for the first time in 6 years!! I either had to work, or it was her dad's holiday. I was so excited, until we started walking around and realized that no one had their lights on. We would hit one house, and have to walk past 5 just to get to the next. I ended up driving her and her cute little friend because it was easier. Where has tradition gone? Why is trunk-or-treat more important? I think those take all the fun out of growing up. I remember so many wonderful Halloween's where my friends and I ran around the entire town. By the time we were done, we had a completely full pillowcase of candy. My daughter after going around the neighborhood we were in, didn't really have that much. The cute part? She was more excited to be able to go out with mom than she was to get the candy. She told me, "mom you're so much sweeter than any candy." Could she get any cuter?

I'm falling. I'm not going to get hurt, I won't let it happen. When I hear those words I get chills down my spine. I don't think any words could mean more to me than to hear those come out of my own mouth. I guard my heart with everything there is, I know that times in the past I've been hurt. I look at who did the hurting, and why I allowed it to happen. I trusted when I shouldn't of, I let my guard down. I got into a very good conversation the other night with a wonderful man who's opinion I value highly. We were talking about cheating spouses, and significant others. We came to the conclusion that there really isn't an answer as to why they do it, but it's not the person who got cheated on, is to blame. Something in relationships has completely gone out the window. Communication. It's gone. I can sit here and say that every relationship I have been in, there was talking, but no communication. We would talk about mundane things, but never the important things. I wonder why that is? I guess that is one thing I personally am looking forward to changing. Listening. I have gotten so used to "tuning out" things that were being said to me. Mostly because those things were incredibly hurtful. But I think that if I would of really listened, I would of been able to move on before I actually did. I can also say that every time I went to say something about my feelings, I was quoted a liar, or completely ignored. Humiliation is a crazy emotion. Fortunately, everyone has experienced humiliation at least once in their lives. If they hadn't, they would probably be the most shallow person. That isn't for me to judge, but I really think that some people need to learn how to deal with humiliation. It would definitely make this world a better place. That and swallowing pride. Aren't they the same thing though?

I was out counting stars tonight, and we have a beautiful full moon. I feel full. I feel full of love, compassion, and so many other things that it would take me years to put it all down. I am so grateful for everyone that is in my life. I am grateful for the 92 yr old man that asked me to marry him today.  That coming from a 92 yr old, just cracked me up to the point where I had to take a break. I look at that man and see that his life is full. As he was telling me about his life experiences in the short span of a haircut, I realized that he had a wonderful marriage. Sometimes there were arguments, but they always "communicated." He had so many stories that I could of listened to him for hours, talking about how his life has been, and is full. I am really looking forward to discovering more about that one person who makes my life feel full. For the first time in my life, in that particular area, I have hope.

A New Beginning for Me?

WOW.
I know that God puts trials in your path to see how you can cope, and to make you stronger. I know this because of everytime I look into my past I see all the trials, all the lessons I have learned. I have learned this past weekend that life can and will put you out, but it's what you take from that experience that matters. In this past month alone, I have been re-united with some wonderful people that were in my life in the past, and are now in my life again. This time to stay.
Being raised in a small town, meant to me at the time, a lot of people in your business. I look back and see that small town meaning so much more to me now. I see love and compassion from everyone. I see a community that cares for each other. I see that yes, we tend to get on each others nerves, but in a time of need, we were there for each other.
I was reading my journal earlier today. In a couple of the entries that I wrote, I have to admit I was quite the pessimist. I am bound and determined to look at life with love and compassion that has been shown to me. I am bound and determined to be optimisitc about my life no matter what may be going on at the time. I was reading my book "The Tae of Piglet" in it I found a wonderful quote to go with my train of thought today I posted it on my FB page, but I'm going to put it here too. "Safe pessimists of the world never accomplish much of anything because they don't look clearly & objectively at situations. They don't recognize their own abilities to overcome even the smallest amount of risk".
I was outside last night counting stars in-between the clouds that were rolling in bringing this snow. I was thinking that as the cloud passes over the star, you know it's still there. You might not be able to see it, but you will eventually. I've posted pretty much the same thought before, but if you really look into the current situation and see what others see from an outside view, you know that people love you and have a compassion that you might not of seen unless the wind came in and blew the clouds away.

Who Knew???

Holy crow, can I just say that I am completely amazed at the turn of events this week? I'll update y'all...

So on Thursday, I had my heart removed for good. I always thought that I would make it through with the guy I've been dating, off and on, for the last 6 yrs. Thursday night I was going to take him dinner after I got off work, and, well, he was busy. With another woman. I don't know why I was so shocked, I've had the feeling that he didn't want me anymore for the longest time, but I tried to ignore it. I guess it's like when you try to ignore a sliver or something. It just ends up festering until you have to actually do something about it. Same with this situation. This is a really great guy, I promise. We just didn't work together anymore. Apparently. I don't need to convince anyone but myself that he cares about me. I know he still does. If he didn't he wouldn't of given two cents about making sure that I understood that he didn't mean to hurt me. He really is a good person. Outside and in. Or is he? It's not my place to judge, but it is my place to move on.

Who knew that there are actually men out there that do things for you just because? Who knew that you could actually sit back and enjoy the benefits of being pampered and know that they don't want anything in return? Who knew, right? I'm not saying that I haven't ever experienced being taken care of. I'm just saying that this was probably THE best time for it to happen to me. I have been completely amazed at how my friends have totally stepped up and helped me through what I see as a VERY hard time in my life. (I know, I thought it was over in May, but I tried to make it work, ok?) I always thought that this relationship would work. Isn't that what they all say? Then when it's over, they're all shocked. "I can't believe it happend to me," or "what is wrong with me?" I have to say I repeated more than just these two quotes I posted on here. I thought I was completely broken. I thought that there would never be anything for me ever again. I was wrong. Completely.

Hell, if I can make it through 3 years of not using oxycontin, and have custody of my daughter taken away from me. I should be able to handle this, right? At least that's what I kept telling myself Thursday night. And Friday morning. And Friday afternoon. Then I got off work and a friend who was in town for the weekend called me. I really didn't want to go anywhere but home so I could cry myself to sleep. I am SO grateful I didn't. I have had a wonderful weekend. I am trying to act all tough, so I will let you know that I still hurt when I'm alone and my mind starts going in the usual 50 directions. When I try to sleep, I hurt. When I'm riding my bike, I hurt. The best part from all this is the lesson I have learned. Nothing is forever. I know I'll always love and care about this man. I don't know the true extent of the return. I know that I'll always be grateful for the lesson I learned that not everyone is the same. That people do sincerely care about you. I always knew my friends cared, but I now know that my friends love me. I only hope that someday I will be able to return the love and caring that I have received this weekend.

If it looks like I'm avoiding telling you guys about something, it's because I am. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm so confused on how someone can hurt SO BAD, and still feel happy... Is it so easy to forget everything when something better comes along? I don't think you ever forget, you just put it in another area of your memories. Right? Again with the questions. Times like this make me wonder if my crush ever thinks about me, because he is always there in the background every time something like this happens...

As I was sitting out counting stars earlier tonight, I was having a really hard time with counting because they kept going all blurry. I had to stop and wipe my eyes a lot. The tears came freely. And they came for two reasons. #1~for the pain of losing (obvious reasons) #2~for the joy of knowing that you are truly cared about. I am truly grateful for the love and compassion I have felt and witnessed this last weekend. My heart is full...

Vices that kill, Vices that don't...

I've been thinking a lot about my vice lately. I know everyone has a vice, but honestly, why do I have to have a vice that could potentially kill me? It's a nasty habit, but man alive I'd kill for one right now. Unfortunately, I decided that I would try to quit my nasty little habit. So right at this moment instead of going outside to quench my vice, I am sitting here typing about all the reasons that vices are bad, especially if they have the potential to kill you. Either way, I need to quit.

I think everyone has a vice. It can be as harmless as a clean freak, and it can be as hurtful as a harsh word, or a cancer producing product. Can words kill though? Is it the words that are spoken that kill, or is it the person who took the words too seriously?

Life is so full of so many questions, the sad part? I don't think 70% of those questions will ever be answered. I guess we just need to take what we can out of the situation and learn from it. In the last 9 years I have had harsh words thrown at me time and time again. "You're a bad mother" was the one I have heard the most. I don't believe it for one iota of a second. I know I am a good mom, I know that my little butterbean is my world. A lot of the time you have to consider the source of the comment. Is the comment coming from someone you respect? Or is it coming from someone who is saying those things to try and get under your skin? Like I said, consider the source.

I was sitting outside last night counting stars, laying on the trampoline, freezing my butt off to say the least. I had my 3 down comforters, my heating blanket, and I was still freezing. But the payoff was that I saw 4 falling stars. I think everyone falls at one time in their life.
But honestly -
 It's what that person does to get back up and move on, right? Take each comment with a grain of salt, only you can decide if that comment knocks you off your feet or not.

No Stars for You Tonight My Dear...

I was all snuggled up in bed, getting warm, and my brain wouldn't shut off. I can't go outside and count stars because of the rain. I have to get this out somehow.

I've been divorced for a little over 9 yrs, and through those 9 yrs I have dated a couple of different men. A couple of them I chose to forget about them because they caused so much pain. I have been dating a man for 6 yrs. In those 6 yrs we had our good times and our bad times. What relationship doesn't? Right? In May of 2009 right over Memorial Day weekend, we had a huge argument. For a minute there, I thought it was over. My friends and family, bless their hearts, told me that it was a good thing. But then as I sit here and think about it, they only heard about the bad times I had with him. I never shared the good times with them, only the bad because I have been told over and over, that whatever goes on is no one's business but your own. But you have to get it out somehow, right? Especially when you are upset. So of course they had a one sided opinion of this man. This is my fault. I have realized that everyone makes their own mistakes, everyone will either learn from those mistakes, or not. It's up to that person. Right? I know it sounds like I am rambling, but again, this is how my brain works. I sit and ramble on about 10 different subjects, and eventually I get all my frustrations out so that I can at least sleep.

I put on my face book status earlier today "I wish I had telepathy so I could hear what people were thinking". This is still true. My friends pointed out some of the better reasons as to why it's not a good idea, but with the thoughts running through my head, I really wish at times I could. That and stop time. There are so many times I wish I could just stop time. Like all those times that I missed an important meeting, or when I was getting a speeding ticket. I remember a show when I was younger where a girl would put her two pointer fingers together and bam, time would stop. Then if she wanted to talk to someone while time was stopped she would just touch them and time would start again. There are a bunch of quizzes on fb asking what your favorite super power would be and I have two. Telepathy, and stopping time. The only bad part are the side effects of such powers. Why can't our lives be like a romance novel? Where the guy makes the girl fall madly in love with him and there's a happy ending? I miss hearing those special words so bad sometimes that it just brings tears to my eyes. I just don't know that when I do hear them, that is they are sincere, or just to make me happy. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me. The thing is, it's completely different to have a special someone tell you he loves you for the first time. Or even after you've been dating for a couple years and he tells you, and you still get chills from hearing it. I'm wondering if this weather has me down. I don't usually get bothered by such things, I think I'm coping very well. I do, however, think it's an acceptance thing. If someone special you love tells you they love you, you feel accepted. At least in my world you do. I don't know. I guess I can repeat myself and ask "why"? Why don't I have that in my life right now? Maybe it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing to make that person happy. Maybe it's because I need to focus on other things, but honestly it helps so much to know that someone special loves you and that they are standing behind you 100%, and that nothing you do, or not do, will stop that love from being there. I'm still confused as to why a couple of my relationships didn't last. I know that I'm needy, I know that I require attention. I'm working on that. Now I'm wondering if I don't ask for enough attention, and that leads him to thinking that I'm not interested. I don't know. I say those words a lot "I don't know". The thing is, is I really don't know. I don't have all the answers, I don't want all the answers. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't. I know that life teaches you a lesson, that what you get from that lesson is up to you as a person. But good god, life can hurt like a damn paper cut!

Since I can't go out and count stars tonight, I guess I'll have to do with the memory of them. I guess it's like life. You know the stars are there, and you know they aren't going anywhere, you just can't see them at the moment. I guess I can put my situation in this... I know someone out there loves me, and even though I can't see him, I can't give up the hope and dream of knowing that someday, somewhere, we will be together.

One down.... Two to GO...

I don't know what I have done to piss Karma off, but she sure as hell hates me lately. There are so many things that I have to take care of, and for some reason they all popped up at once. Thanks to my "was lost but now found" friend, I was able to cross one of those things off my list.

I think money is the root of all evil. If you think about it, it's the most dirty, disgusting thing in the world, and everyone LOVES it.

The other night on TLC, I was watching this terrible show about parents who put their children in pageants. These children think that is the one and only thing there is about being a child. If they don't look a certain way, they are ugly. If they are missing teeth, they are ugly. What the hell is this world coming to? I think it's cute as hell when I see a child smile and they are missing their teeth!! But these pageants are teaching them that they are ugly if one little thing is out of place. So the parents spend $Thousands$ of dollars on the dresses, costumes for talent, flippers (fake teeth) hair stylist, etc... Who knows what else they do because what they showed on the program was limited. I just can't see the good out of exploiting children to that behavior. Then the world wonders why children are anorexic, or depressed. Hey, here's a hint... MAKE YOUR CHILDREN GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! Instead of letting them sit at the TV all afternoon. I honestly can't think of any time other than when I was sick that I wasn't outside playing after school.

I try my hardest to be a good parent. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I will do anything to make her happy. I wonder how some people can actually hurt children and think that they are in the right. Child Protection Services is supposed to be there for the children, but when they take the story from a manipulative adult over what the child is saying happened, aren't they just supporting child abuse?

Last night while I was counting stars, I realized that I have a lot of questions, I know that most of them won't ever get answered. I guess that's part of life, right? Find your path and start your journey with your first step.