Simply Amazing!! or is it??

To say the least life has it's curve balls. I honestly can't say what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. All I know is that as long as I am living my life to MY standards, I will be just fine. Live your life with perfect trust, perfect love, and harm to none. Those are my standards. I really don't see anything wrong with those standards, but there are those out there who will find a fault with them. I can't even begin to express my gratitude towards those in my life right now. I have an amazing daughter, an amazing family, and amazing extended family, and friends. I couldn't ask for better right now. So why am I struggling to be happy? Why do I feel like I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life?

It really is amazing to look at your current position and see what you have been through to get to where you are right now. What lessons have you learned? What trials have you overcome? I know that I will never have all the answers to all my questions, but to be honest, I'm quite content right now.

I have 5 years sobriety from my "addiction" and I am SO damn proud of myself. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't of been able to overcome that certain aspect of my life. I'd probably be dead right now...

I look at my blog, and all this time I have to admit, I have repeated myself so much! I'm not sorry though. This blog was started to express my thoughts. I don't have very many followers, and I really don't care. This is about my life, my trials, and my tribulations. If I can touch one person's life, then I have done my job. The sad part is, I used to be able to write what I think is some pretty good posts on here, but lately it feels like I just can't seem to get into the mood. Almost like I have writers block. Now I know how someone feels when they are trying to write an amazing story, and can't come up with the right words.

I have an amazing life right now. I have a job that I love, amazing friends, amazing roommates, and an amazing family. So why do I feel like something isn't right? I hope I can figure this out soon because I don't know how much longer I can go feeling so wrong... I have been thinking about my high school crush a lot lately. I wonder why he pops into my head so randomly? Is it really random, or is he always on my mind? Does he ever think of me?

I would love to go talk to my friends, but lately the sky is so full of pollution, that even if it wasn't freezing outside, I wouldn't be able to talk to them because I can't see them. I hope I get some answers soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know I am meant for something big in this life, and I just can't seem to figure out what it is... Wish me luck!?!?

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lessons we learn on a daily basis are sometimes forgotten in the turmoil of the day. I have to keep reminding myself to look and see what I have learned. Some lessons, I still don't know what I was supposed to learn, but I have faith that I will learn whatever it is eventually.

Another sweet friend passed away last night. I can't figure out why God keeps taking all these amazing people away from their loved ones, when there are child molesters, rapists, murders, etc... out there!! I know it's not for us to choose, and it's not for us to figure out, but GOOD LORD, why take the ones who are amazing, with people who love them with all their hearts, away? I don't know the answers, I don't think I ever will. I DO know that I will always question God as long as he keeps taking these amazing people away from their loved ones.

Time is such a valuable thing in life. Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time. Who can say if your love grows, as your heart shows, only time (Enya). I have realized lately that a lot of my thoughts are said in lyrics of songs. I have such a romantic heart. I have tried and tried to beat it out of my system, but I always end up being romantic in the end. I have chosen to let my heart go. I gave it away, tied with a big red ribbon. I don't know if I will ever get it back, but even if I don't, I will know that I loved enough to let it go.

You remember watching the silly Disney movies when you were little and thinking, "someday my prince will come rescue me," only to realize that when you get older your thinking changes to, "someday my prince will come after me, because I'm worth it." I know I'm worth it, I just don't know if he'll come after me... I guess the only thing I can do is just live my life, become who I know I can, and if things work out, they were meant to. But good HELL, it HURTS!!

These are the days of the endless summer, these are the days that time allowed. There are no clouds, there is only the future. There's only here, there's only now. I can hear your heart beat from a 1,000 miles, the heavens open every time you smile. Take away my trouble, take away my grief, take away my heartache, and give me peace. Because you gave me love of your heart, the kind that speaks to me. (another song lyric)

I FINALLY hit my 5 year sobriety mark!! YAY for ME!! right? Then why doesn't it feel like much? Why do I feel like it really wasn't that bad? Even though deep down where it should matter, I'm telling myself that I am amazing to be able to conquer such a feat... I wasn't expecting the world to name a national holiday after me, but to be honest, there was only one person who actually remembered. And I haven't even known her for very long. Jessica, you truly are amazing!! I know God places people into our lives who are there to teach us something, or we are supposed to teach them something. I don't know if I'm learning what I should be learning, or teaching what I'm supposed to teach, but I have faith that in time, I will.

All summer I kept forgetting about my best friends. I miss them so much. I didn't visit them very much, and I can definitely feel the difference. I know they are always there for me, and I know that if it wasn't raining outside right now, I could go and talk to them. I miss my stars, I will definitely work on visiting with them more.

Love with all you have,

have all your love around you.

You never know when your love will leave you,

so don't ever let it go.

Show your love your everything,

your love will show you more.

Give your heart without the strings,

and your love will show you the world...

Sweet Dreams

Bucket list from Hell?

Sometimes in life there are things you want to ignore, things you wish you could ignore, and things you just can't ignore. There are so many things rolling around in my head at this time in my life, that I'm scared that if I don't get them out, I'll burst. Or just lose everything that I want to say. Why does fear control so much of who we are? There are so many times in my life that I have doubted myself and my feelings, that I just want to beat my head against the door... and hope that something good answers the door.

In the last month I have been thinking about a bucket list. I have never really thought of that before, mainly because I was always altering my future with whom I was dating at the time. I didn't realize that until I had my "awakening" a while ago. I can't believe how willing I was to alter my own happiness for a man. So please excuse me while I go off on a tangent on what I want for my own bucket list. And please keep in mind that some of these "items" on MY list, might make you scratch your head in wonder, but they mean something to me. Deep down inside, where it really matters.

1- See a real firefly

2- See the northern lights

3- See a real whale in the ocean

4- Sleep on a beach

5- Spit off the Eiffel Tower

6- Ride on a motorcycle going 90 miles per hour and feel my hair fly

7- Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef (even though I am claustrophobic)

8- Conquer the fear of heights and maybe go bungee jumping or skydiving? Maybe?

9- Win a video game (any game, I don't care, as long as I win)

10-Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

11- See a Green Flash

12- See a real Sea Turtle in the ocean

13- Ride in a Gondola in Italy

14- Kiss the Blarney Stone

15- See Phantom of the Opera

16- Watch a Sunset with the one I love...

I have so much on my mind right now, so honestly there are a ton of things that I need to add to MY list, but right now, I honestly can't think of any.

I went camping with my wonderful family over Memorial Day this year, at Hyrum Lake, in UT. The first night we were there I thought that my life was in disarray. I had gotten in an argument with my boyfriend, and honestly needed something of a release. I didn't know I would find it in my long lost friends. The stars.

I took my telescope with me thinking that I would use it. I didn't. There was no moon out. As the entire camp went into their slumber, I snuck down to the dock. There were no clouds, no wind. Everything was still as if I had somehow put the world on pause. The lake was like glass. Reflective as a mirror. I had every thing I needed. Heaven and earth, in one place, at one time. I had my friends in the sky, winking down at me, and their beauty being reflected in the lake. I don't know exactly how long I laid on the dock, but I do know that I came to realize that I am done letting someone else make important decisions in my life. I will do the things that I want, when I want. I will do the things that make ME happy. And if you don't like it, sorry. Not really, but honestly if you don't like it, walk away. No one is forcing you to associate with me. So go right ahead and ignore me if you want, but it's no longer going to hurt me, or even touch me in the slightest. This will be the last you hear of me saying anything to draw attention to this matter. I. AM. DONE. I am myself, I am a strong woman, who has her own bucket list.

Is there such thing as a reality fairy tale? Honestly, what would happen if I left, because the words I was yearning to hear weren't said? Unfortunately the world has forgotten fairy tales, and only worry about money, money, and more money.... Don't get me wrong, money can make you comfortable, but can it make you truly happy? Will it bring your true love back? Does it make you truly happy? I understand that money will make things easier in life, but do you need that big house, the boat, the everything that money buys? Or do you need the truth of love? I have such a romantic soul. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of all the stupid books I read. or maybe because that's what I deserve. I won't know until it hits me like a brick wall. Before I leave you, I have just a few words that keep repeating in my mind. I don't know what they mean to me, and I don't know why they keep repeating themselves to me.... maybe you'll know after reading them. If you do, please let me know.

When I'm alone in the night, and the moon sheds its tears,

I know my world would come right, if only you were here.

Without you my heart is empty of all but the memories it keeps.

You, only you, stay inside me in the night while the moon weeps...

Open up your heart, and you'll find love.

This is our fate, I'm yours.

Sometimes.....

At time goes on in our lives, we often stop and wonder, "what if?" There are so many times that I have had that thought go through my mind in the last couple of months that it's mind numbing. The sad part about all those times is that I have let myself doubt my true feelings towards life. I let those "what if's" control my deepest desires, and the fear has taken over. I have always wondered why I allow these things to control me. I know I'm a strong person, with a warm heart, but the fear wiggles it's way into my heart and controls my every move. I wish there was a fear cure. I wish that there was some way I could rid my life of the fear. Then I turn around and look at all the times that I didn't allow the fear to control me, and I see all the blessings I have because I didn't.

I thought I was over the fear of being alone, and I didn't realize how truly OVER that fear I was until recently. I know I will live. I can look into my past and see where fear has taught me that I don't have to fear being alone. I know I can make it, I know I can live through another heart break. I have a feeling that that reason alone, is the reason I'm not scared of being alone anymore.

I'm not perfect, but I know I'm worth it. I've been waiting my whole life betting on a change. I see the change coming, but I shake with fear of what that change will bring. Will it bring pain, or warm sunshine. I'm starting to realize that change can be a good thing. Yes sometimes it brings pain, but for the most part, I grow from that change. I become a better person. Sometimes you have to lose to win. Right? I think I'm going to be OK...

I haven't had a chance to go count stars for a long time. Correction, I haven't allowed myself the time to count stars for a long time. Yes, the weather has been cold, but that's just an excuse. I know things that make me happy, and since I've been missing that happiness I have to look inside myself and figure out why. My happiness counts on me, and me only. No one can control my happiness, and it's about time I remind myself. For the last year I've counted on others to make me happy because I've been around people who can make me happy. What I didn't realize until now is that the only reason I am happy is because I allow myself to be happy. It's not because of the person I'm around. I know this all sounds so selfish, but it's so true! No one can control our emotions but ourselves. How can I have any sort of pride in myself, unless I put that pride there to begin with. I know the things I need to do to get that pride back, and it's about time I get off my ass and do it.

I know everyone gets into their little "funks," and unfortunately I get in mine and it takes a while for me to get back out. It's almost like I want to be depressed for a while. Like I want to see if I get any attention for it. And to be honest, I do, but I hate that kind of attention. I want the attention you get for being an amazing person on the inside and out! The great thing about that revelation is I know I am my biggest fan, and biggest supporter. WOW!! what a thing to realize!!

Now that I have my keys to what I need to do to make myself happy, it's time I get off my butt and get a move on. First things first, I'm going out to count the stars.

It's Been a While

It's interesting how life can change at a drop of a hat. I haven't written on here for a very long time, but I'm thinking that it's time to catch up...

I have almost 4 and a half years of sobriety now, and I'm still grateful for the things that I learned while I was "numb" to the world. At the time, when things are all going wrong, you always think that you just won't live to see the next day. I know part of the reason I have been able to conquer the trials that I have conquered is because of the strength of my family and friends. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I didn't have my family and friends, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have SO many people to thank for helping me become the person I am today. I know I've gone over and over in my head how my loved ones have helped, but I am a eternally grateful person, and feel that if you can't express your gratitude, then you aren't truly grateful.

My sister and her husband are true hearts. They have been through so much, and yet they are the remarkable people that I constantly look up to. They have never had to "borrow" money from parents, they always make it through the tough times, and they always stick together. They have had their fair share of trials, but those trials have made them the amazing, hard working people they are today. And for that reason, I look up to both of them with the up-most respect, admiration, and love.

My parents are another wonderful example. My mom has always held on to her faith. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to religion. Not once, that I have seen, has she ever faltered in her faith in the church. I have my questions, and concerns when it comes to the subject, but it doesn't matter what objections I come up with, she always has an answer. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to "working your fingers to the bone." She is the hardest worker I have ever known in my life. Always working, always trying, always succeeding, even though she doesn't always see the success, it's there. She always has wonderful advice, even though she doesn't know it, for a broken heart. And for those reasons, she deserves all the respect and love I have.
My dad has always been there for me. He always has great advice when it comes to me having "issues" with someone. He is the most nonjudgmental, non-hypocritical person I have ever known. He is always willing to accept someone, always willing to give them the trust that so many people take for granted. He was in the Korean war, suffers from post traumatic syndrome, and still is a hard worker. For those reasons, he has my respect and love.

My brother and his wife are truly amazing people also. I don't know my brother very well, we've honestly lost touch in the last 10 yrs, but anytime I have ever needed someone, not matter the situation, he has been there. It's so comforting to know that my big brother will always be there for me. He is an amazing hard worker to the point where he has lost numerous hours of sleep just to find the success that he has earned. My big brother is the most amazing when it comes to "rescuing" me. I don't think he knows it, but I look up to him, almost like some do a superhero. He has lost a couple very close friends in the last few years, and he is still as strong as ever. His wife, is one that I know I can always get a hug from, who has the most creative side. She always has a new crafty idea, for that I am envious. They both work incredibly hard, and for all these reasons, they have my respect, and undying love.

My daughter has been through more in her 12 yrs than a lot of adults have been through in their entire lives. The strength that she shows daily is truly amazing. She has been put in a home where love is not shown, where she is constantly being grounded for things that her step-mother lies about, and she is still a generous, unselfish little girl, with a huge heart. The love that seeps from her is an inspiration to me. She is very nonjudgmental, and refuses to be part of the gossip train at school. It breaks my heart that there are things that I didn't want her to know, like my addiction, but I hope that if she learns anything from me, it will be that addiction is not a way of life. When people say, "would you do anything for your child?" my answer will always be YES. She is my light on a stormy night. She is my inspiration.

There are so many people that I could add to my list, but that would take years, and years to express my gratitude, respect, and love for all of them.

I haven't been out to count stars in what seems like ages. I miss my stars, and I'm sure that once it warms up, I'll be reunited with them once again. I wasn't really going to go the way I did, but I honestly think that this was a pretty good post. I'm going to try and post more often, but I also know that sometimes life has it's own little surprises, and it just doesn't get done. I truly hope that my example can be an inspiration to someone, just like those who I love that are in my life are to me. I love you all, thank you.

Dream with your eyes wide open, it'll be a ride you don't want to miss.

a "Gut" feeling...

I have a gut feeling that it's going to rain today. I have a gut feeling that the Lakers are going to lose. I have a gut feeling that something good is going to happen today. I have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen today. These are all logical ways of using the phrase, "I have a gut feeling". In the past week that phrase has been used to try and ruin my reputation. I don't know how anyone can accuse someone of doing something off of a "gut feeling". I have also been on the brunt end of some cruel lies and jokes. One thing I can honestly say is, I know who I am, I know that I am a good person, and I know I didn't do the things that I have been accused of doing. Isn't that what matters? What you think of yourself? The crazy part is, there are those out there who don't know the "whole story" but they are fast to judge. That's part of the problem if you ask me.

It's been over a week since all of this "drama" went down, and everything has cooled off. I've moved into a friend's house for the time being, but I haven't been this happy in a very long time. I have learned so much about my limits, and what I'm willing to put up with. I now have a better idea of who I am. Imagine that!! Put someone through a bunch of drama that puts their reputation and integrity online, and that someone figures out who they are, and the limits they are willing to push within themselves.

I got an email from a special someone today and I would love to share it with you...

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much, they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You ARE special and unique.

8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

9. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.

10. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

11. Always remember the compliments you received, and forget the rude remarks.

12. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know, and you will both be happy.

13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.


I haven't been out to count stars very much lately. Time seems to be a factor. I haven't made the time to just go out, and relax and enjoy what my stars have to offer. That just goes to show that if you don't take time out for yourself, you don't have time for anything. I miss my stars, I'm sure they miss me. We had great conversations (mentally) night after night. I've just been so incredibly happy lately that it's hard to be down over me not going outside and counting the stars. I know they'll be there whenever I need them, and that goes to show that those who love you the most, even if you don't see or talk to them that often, will always be there for you.

In Due Time....

I haven't written on here for quite a while. There is a reason for that, but for now, I just want to up-date on what's been going on lately.

I started school in April. At first I was really apprehensive as to what I had just gotten myself into. Since the dreaded "first day" I have come to realize that I should of done this years ago. I love my classes. They are, Strategies, Ethics, Psychology, and Public Speaking. At first I really thought that I would hate Public Speaking, but to be quite honest, it's helping me with breaking out of my "shell". In Strategies, there is absolutely no way I could finish this class with the low self-esteem I started with. I basically makes you look at who you are, and what you can do to make yourself and your life better. The ways of reaching your goals, etc. In Ethics, I am learning so much about the world around me. There are so many things I didn't know were going on right in front of my face. In Psychology, I am learning about behaviors, etc. Why people act they way they do, and what I can do to cope with whatever comes my way. So to be honest, each of my classes is helping me become a stronger, more confident, me.

School aside, there has been a lot of other things going on, but to be quite honest, I think that at this point, I'm just going to enjoy the ride, and see where it takes me. I had a conversations with one of my "ex's" today, and it really hurt me. BAD. I allowed what he said, to actually hurt me. Didn't I learn the first time around with him? I couldn't figure out why I let this happen. Until I looked at the situation from an outward point of view. He wanted me back, I told him no. Even though we dated for a short ammout of time, habit from the past made me want to just forgive the pain he caused me, and let him back. Strength from who I am becoming, made me reject the idea. Unfortunately, he didn't like what I had to say, and he chose that time to tell me exactly what he thought of me, and tell me what he did while we were dating. Believe me, it hurt. Worse than just ripping my heart out, I actually let him jump on it once it hit the ground today. As the day progressed, I have had a lot of time to think. I know that in the past I have unknowingly sabotaged some of the relationships I was in because of my insecurities. I am so grateful that I can now look back and see where I made the mistakes. I trusted where trust shouldn't of trusted, I let go, where I should of held on, and I held on where I should of let go. It's interesting the things that happen that help you see the things that you completely missed the first time around.

Life is interesting in the way it goes about teaching you lessons. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't learned the lessons I have learned to this point, and I can't wait to learn what I am about to learn.

With the weather being so crazy lately, I haven't had very many opportunities to count my stars. I miss them. I don't know how I've done it without them, but I do know that NO MATTER WHAT, they will always be there for me. I will always have them there to protect me from the unknown of the universe. I am so grateful for everything they do for me. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank them properly. I do know that by living my life with my personal standards high, will be a start. I will no longer allow others to get me down. I am stronger, and there is no way I will allow that strength to be taken from me ever again. Just like I know that my stars will never let me down...