Must I Have a Shattered Heart?

Take the time to think. Take the time to feel. You can see my heart. I am so terrified. I have almost given up hope. I know that this could be something. Everything we do and words we say just take my breath away. And now I'm left with nothing. I remember the look on your face made it hard to breathe. So I close my eyes and drift away. And dream of a time when I was in control of my heart.
The first brush stroke is solid. The second falls between another page of the life that was almost hers. That one phone call was the one what shattered her heart. She dropped the phone in disbelief. She couldn't believe that this could be happening to her again. How is it, that the pain settles upon her shattered heart and will not move?
Nothing about you is predictable, you got me all twisted and confused. Up until now I thought I knew love. Pleasures are burning. Love I can see, nothing will be just like it was. A sweet surprise that I can get used to. I give you all the love that I can give. I gave you all that I had inside. I keep trying for you. This is no ordinary love.... Didn't I tell you what would happen? Didn't I tell you that you would shatter my heart? This is no ordinary love. She's falling........
I want to believe. I want to hope. I want to feel the love that I know we can have. Why are you scared? What can I do? I want you to open up and be with me. I don't know how I can cure the pain that has been presented to you in the past. I know it's there. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. Please tell me what I can do to help you.
She picked up the phone with that disbelief still in her heart. How can this happen again? Why does she keep putting herself into these type of situations? Why is she so insecure? All she has ever wanted was to be loved. Her pain is glowing inside her. Her heart is shattered. Will it ever be repaired? She holds the last rose in her hand, with a velvet kiss, she has been destroyed. Will this ever end? She closes her blind eyes to the past, and is fascinated by the future. All she can do is move forward, fearlessly. She can hide the pain. She can do this.
In the meadow of her dreams, she can have the love she craves. A piece of paper isn't what is needed for her. Just the knowledge that love does exist. She brushes the tall waving grass with her hands. She can feel the love all around her. The silver band of life is taking over her heart. This is her place where she can dream freely. This is her place. Until the day that she feels she can trust again with her heart, this is where she will stay. Until the day that her shattered heart is healed, she will be. Until the day that she can share with her one true heart, she will be imprisoned. Alone. But in the back of her mind, she always wonders where he is, what he is doing, and is he thinking of her the way she thinks of him...
Do not fear the heart, for it will never stray you wrong. Knowing what I feel when I am with you, I know that the future can be ours. Please don't forget about our time together while we are apart. Remember the sparks, the electricity. Don't forget me. Please.

Sealed with a Kiss...

This is the month of Thanks. The last couple days have really reminded me that there are so many things that I have in my life that I am grateful for. Soooo I guess I need to put some of them down. If I were to put all of them, I would be here all year. So here goes.....

1~ My health. I am so grateful that I was able to conquer addiction. Even though it is a daily battle, I am grateful that I have the strength to resist temptation. I am grateful that I can ride a bike, that I can smile and mean it, that I can work. I am grateful that I can see the beautiful sun the moon and the stars, smell the beautiful flowers, feel (with heart and touch) to feel the sweet kisses, and to hear the sound of my daughters musical laughter and the sound of someone who cares. I am grateful to be alive.

2~ My heart. I know that this is an odd one to put down, but I'll explain. I am grateful for my heart, for it allows me to love. It allows me to cherish the memories of sweet oblivion that I have experienced. It allows me to feel pain. To help me remember my past mistakes and to be able to grow from those experiences. It helps me know that there is love out there for me. It gives me a jolt when there is something exciting. Like seeing a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. Or the butterflies it gives me when I feel something that needs to be cherished. It tells me when my daughter needs me.

~3 My family. I have the most wonderful family. They have always been there, even when I didn't want them there, they were. I love my family with every cell in my body. I love you, thank you. To my Mom, you are the light that has always brought me home. You always question if you raised me right, I am here to tell you that you did. I am a stronger person for the trials that I have been through, and if you hadn't pushed me, I know I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you. To my Dad, you are the one who has taught me to not judge, to not be a hypocrite, and to love unconditionally. Thank you. To my Sister, you are the one who was always pushing when I didn't want to be pushed. It made me think about my life. Where I was and what I wanted out of it. Thank you. To my Brother, you have no idea how much I look up to you. I will always remember your blessing you gave me when I needed it most. You have always been there for me. Your hugs are so warm. Thank you. To my Brother-in-Law, you showed me how to conquer a trial. You proved to me that it is possible to be strong enough. Thank you for always talking to me, even if it was something off the wall. I am so proud of you. Thank you. To my Sister-in-Law, you have shown me that there is time for second chances. I am so happy that I have gotten you in my life. You have shown me that creativity comes from the heart, and that nothing but myself can make my creativity beautiful. Thank you. To my Aunt, thank you. You will never know the gratitude I have for you. You have given me so much. I don't know that I will ever be able to re-pay you, but I sure will try. Thank you for being home when I get home, thank you for your hugs when I am down. Thank you for your love. Thank you.

~4 My Daughter. There are so many things that I can put down for you. My little butterbean. Thank you for your love, your smiles, your hugs. I love you more than my own life. I am so grateful that God gave you to me. I was lost until you came into my life. Thank you for telling me that I'm not old until I can't smile anymore. Thank you for jumping on the trampoline with me, thank you for making me laugh when I'm down. Thank you for being you. You are such a beautiful girl. I am honored to be your Mommacita. I love you butterbean.

~5 My life. I know there are so many times that I have wondered why I have to live this life. But as I look back, the times that I didn't think I would make it to the next day are the ones that I am truly grateful for. It shows me that I can make it through thick and thin, and move on with a smile, and love in my heart.

~6 My friends. Thank you so much for always being there with a warm heart, and an open mind. I know that some of my ideas and thoughts about life are a little skewed, but you always were there for me, even when I didn't see you for years, I always knew that when I saw you again, you would be there for me. I have no idea how I have gotten the wonderful friends that I have, and I am truly grateful for each and everyone of you. Thank you, I love you.

~7 God. Thank you for the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars. Thank you for my life. My love is yours.

I could keep going, but I think I have covered the most of it. There are so many things that I take for granted each and every day of my life. I have recently had the opportunity to spend time with a cancer patient. She is on the last couple of months of her life, and she still has a smile. I can't imagine the courage that she has. I am so grateful for my life. I know I keep repeating myself, but honestly, I just want everyone to know how incredibly grateful I am to be where I am, with who I am with, with the heart that I have.

Last night I was counting stars outside on the trampoline with my many blankets, and wondering where the time has gone. I thought about the meteor shower from a couple nights before. I saw the most amazing meteor I think I will ever see in my life. It just goes to show that there are always little surprises in life. You don't think that they are there, until you open your eyes, and your heart to truly see what you have. The stars are only a beginning of my gratitude. When I look to the sky and see how many there are, and realize that I can only see a small portion of what is actually there, my gratitude is just the same. I am grateful that I can now seal my heart with a warm kiss.

Un-Known Touch...

An angel whispered in her ear, with a labored breath, a silent diamond tear slid down her cheek. Alas the heart can be one, but who is a true heart, but a cold one? The mask has hidden her disfigured beauty for years, she is the one to break the silence as the diamond tear is kissed from her lips by a touch that she has not known. The cold heart shatters into a million diamond tears, and each is kissed by the same un-known touch as it is sent into the heavens of the velvet sky. The first true breath is shared with the angel in that one priceless moment. The angel whispers he must take his leave, she knows not if, but when. All because of the silent diamond tear, the touch, and the whisper of an angel....

Her heart is warm, but to touch is gentle. The kiss is hers, she keeps it in her radiating heart. She waits, and waits.... Her beauty can only become more. She is the keeper of the keys. Keys that have no home, but is hers to find. The sky is radiant with her wishes, and she sees her wings. If only she could reach just a little more... The velvet sky gives no mercy, and what was hers, is no longer because she dares not to hope. For hope leads to fear, and fear leads to pain.

She waits, and waits... An angel whispers in her ear. There is so much more. Try, try, try. She gasps with the awakening sense of freedom within her grasp. To find the lost keys, to find the box, to find, and release the final breath of poison. Fear is clinging to her heart. A pain that she can not suffer again, threatens to be released. An angel whispers in her ear. To fear is to be lost, to love is to be found. All she has is the memory... The pain of losing is to know no bigger fear than to seal her heart away again with those who are lost. She hopes. An angel whispers in her ear, she can not see the beauty of which is spoken, but to be trusted on blind faith that she will be one with her heart again. The lost keys are given to her. She has the answers, and still she waits, and waits... She sleeps, and in her deep slumber she dreams of those that were not in her reach, but to mock her with false hope, false love, all that is false. She sees that all is there, her diamond tears spread out for those who love to see, for those who hope to wish, for those who wish, to receive. All she needs is hope. Hope that there is more out there than she sees... A touch that she has forgotten wakes her from her slumber. Was it all just a dream?

Her freedom was worth so much more than she knew. She learns the way of love, of hate, of passion, and of poison. The pain is so much less than she knew she could bear. The warmth is so much more that she will not release. No tears have been shed for the joy of becoming one, will be of late. The velvet sky leaves no question, the time is coming, the opening of the lock that holds the million pieces of her silent diamond tear. She knows she will feel the touch that she has forgotten, on her lips, from an angels lips, like a secret whisper of hope. At last she has the touch of the angel who whispers in her ear. He leads her to her hope. The hope that was lost among the fears. The fears that were swallowed by the hope all because of the touch she had not known.

Trust Me... This Will Only Hurt A Little...

Pain, rejection, fear, humiliation, etc... Some of my character defects. I was taught to watch for those defects, and make sure they don't seep into your daily life. As hard as I try, they end up creeping into my life almost on a daily basis. I've been trying to let go of my past for this last little while, and to be honest, it's hard as hell. When things happen to a person that pretty much imitates something from the past that was hurtful, are we supposed to ignore what has happened to us before and go off of blind faith that the same thing couldn't possibly happen again? Try as I might, but the fear settles right into the cracks, and won't clean up.
I don't understand why we are placed into such a wild arena. I don't understand why we would be put through such tumultuous times, just to see if we are strong enough to make it through. I know I have strength, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I have had trial after trial placed before me, and I've made it through. The worst trials I've been in are those that concern my heart. I am such a trusting person that I don't look deep enough to know when there is true compassion, and false compassion, I can honestly say that there is only a handful of people that have shown me true compassion, and most of them have been recently. Others with their false compassion used my heart to get what they wanted out of me, then throw me away like a piece of trash. My problem is figuring out who is the honest, and who is the false.
I am so scared of being rejected that I don't put myself out there, including my heart. I have placed it in a cavity so deep, and dark, that I'm not sure it'll ever find it's way out. I have done this because of my past. I know I can let it out, but I know that when I sealed it away with a cold kiss that I didn't think I would ever use it again.
I was wrong.
I have learned in the last little while that the heart is such a strong part of who we are. The heart will never let you stray from your hopes and dreams. The heart will make it through anything, and anyone that tries to use you for their own selfish needs. The heart will also make you melt when you see a picture of someone you truly care about that you haven't seen for a long time. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being embarrassed. The heart will let you feel the emotion of being loved. There is no more true feeling than the feeling of being loved. Of knowing that regardless of your vices, you are loved. Of knowing that if you gained 10 lbs, you would still be loved. Of knowing that the love is true.
I wasn't going to go out and count stars tonight because it's so cold, but I had to anyway. The sky had a carpet of clouds covering the stars. Almost like a blanket over your cold body. Almost like a warm hug from someone special. I could only see the stars in little spurts when there was a break in the clouds. I guess I can put that to the lesson of the day, and know that I might not see them as often as I like, but they still are there for me when I need them most. They will always be there for me regardless of my past. Tonight I am wondering if my crush is looking at the same stars, wondering what I am up to. Tonight I am wondering if I will ever have the chance to see if he is my "one and only".

Temper Tantrums....

Temper Tantrums - That's what happens when babies want one thing, and their mama knows they need something different. Then you end up feeling guilty because they act like it's the end of their world, and you're the one who pulled the rug out. Do temper tantrums actually work? I have probably the best temper out of anyone I have met. The only time my temper snaps lately is when I am alone. (thank goodness) Tonight I really wanted to throw a temper tantrum, but honestly, it wouldn't of gotten me anywhere. I had to swallow my embarrassment, and move on.
I am almost done reading my journal. In the last 3 years worth of writing, I have seen that I started out so very weak, needing constant reassurance of my worth, and now I am only getting stronger. I can actually laugh with my heart. I can actually mean that laughter, instead of it being fake. I can cry with happy tears, I can cry with sad tears. I thought that the day I walked out of detox I was starting my new beginning. Honestly, I think it has just begun. It's only been previews until recently.
I was reading through the Tao of Pooh the other day and one of my most favorite quotes is in that book. It reads...
To know the way,
we go the way;
We do the way
The way we do.
It's all here in front of you,
But if you try too hard to see it,
You'll only become confused.
I am me,
And you are you,
As you can see;
But when you do
The things that YOU can do,
You will find the way,
And the way will follow you.
by Benjamin Hoff
I wrote that quote down in my journal with my own thoughts as to the "meaning" of it. I'll leave it up to you on how you take it.
"The future belongs always to the believers, who are for something, never to those who are only against something." I never realized how true that statement was until I actually sat down and started a list of my "wants" and my "needs." I hope that doesn't sound too selfish, but honestly in the last 9 years I haven't had a chance to be selfish. In the last 6 years I was told that I was marriage material (a piece of paper), only to have that taken away from me time and time again. I told myself for the longest time that marriage wasn't a big deal to me, that I never wanted to be married again. I actually believed it. I don't now. I think to some marriage is thrown around, and isn't looked at as the "sacred unity" that I now think it is. The couple never really look at what they have, and eventually lose all interest in the other person. Then the "cheating" begins. I never really looked at the value of marriage until recently. I never thought I would ever think of myself as a "wife" ever again. I let fear, anger, and hurt, hide my true feelings on the subject. I can now happily say that I am marriage material, I am worth it, I will eventually be with the other side of my soul. I say, "practice hope. As hopefulness becomes a habit, you can achieve a permanently happy spirit." (another wonderful quote from my journal)
I guess we could call this my "breaking free" blog, but I just want to put out there that I am constantly learning. I have now become a new woman. Like I said, I laugh, and mean it. I am free, and I am powerful. I now allow myself to enjoy this freedom and power. My heart is filled with gratitude and excitement, knowing that wonderful people and situations surround me now. I am safe. I am secure. I am completely protected at all times. I listen to, honor, and follow my true feelings, knowing that they are answers to my prayers. I find the humor in life and I laugh easily and honestly. I have great beauty and light inside of me right now. I tap into all of the knowledge of the universe. I notice and embrace the new opportunities that are now in my life. I move forward fearlessly, trusting that each step I take is perfectly guided. I am safe, confident, and secure. I am excited about my future for the first time in my life. I speak my truth powerfully and lovingly. I trust in my strong feelings, and stand my ground in following them.
I always wondered what it would be like to be alone with an angel. I wondered the questions I would ask, and the answers I would receive. Going through my journal, I realized that all the questions were there, and the answers were there also. I just didn't want to see them. I look and see all of my questions that I had, were answered, with heart. I just needed to learn my own way of seeing the answers.
Let's talk about mountains. You start climbing one, you toil, you sweat, you finally reach the top, and what do you get? Well, along with a sense of accomplishment, of peace, of a job well done, along with the satisfaction of doing what you set out to do... You get a great view of the next mountain. Looming. Challenging. Calling your name. But wait! Don't feel like you have to take on that next mountain quite yet. Let's dwell on this one for a while. Lay there with your hands stretched out behind your head. Watch the clouds running across the sky and tell yourself you're on top of the world because in a sense you are. Just be for now, for you. Then when you're ready... Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put that pack on your back, and start climbing down. One foot in front of the other, that's all you can do. This walk never ends, you know. There's always another mountain. That's what makes life thrilling, exciting, and leaves you breathless. There are days, there are times, when you feel like you've walked so far, when the voice inside you is complaining that it's all uphill, that it always will be. And then, after all that, way beyond your beautiful blue horizon, you see the biggest mountains you've ever seen, and you think, "I can't do that." Well, I know I will always have someone who tells me that I can. I know that with those I surround myself with I can achieve the miracle. I can accept that I am worth it. I can do it.
Tonight while waiting for a phone call, I was counting stars. I can see Orion every time I look up to the sky. I think about his armor. His shield, his sword, his bow and arrow. I think about the armor I have unconsciously put around my heart. I know that this armor in the wrong hands can cause serious damage. I have lived through the damage. I may have the scars, but I know that the wounds that I allowed to be put there are healing. I can proudly admit that I have handed that armor over to more caring, loving hands. Finally. It is now my time to be me, to be my happy, to be my miracle, to accomplish my dreams with those I love surrounding me, supporting me. Now that the armor is gone, I can and will succeed at life, happiness, and most importantly, love.

Sweet Dreams My Love, Dream of Beautiful Things...

And Then There Was One.... little... iota.

One little thing can change a person. One little word, one little gesture, one little smile. You just never know exactly what it is that can change you. I have been looking into my past just so I can close that door. I want to make sure I have learned whatever lesson I was to learn, and move on. I never realized how fortunate I was until I actually looked back and saw that there was always someone in my life at the time of whatever was going on, was there for me. There were so many times that I thought I was alone, but I now know, I never was. Not for one iota of a second. That iota of a second can change a person. How do we know? You look back.

I was so happy this last weekend. I was finally able to take my daughter out trick-or-treating for the first time in 6 years!! I either had to work, or it was her dad's holiday. I was so excited, until we started walking around and realized that no one had their lights on. We would hit one house, and have to walk past 5 just to get to the next. I ended up driving her and her cute little friend because it was easier. Where has tradition gone? Why is trunk-or-treat more important? I think those take all the fun out of growing up. I remember so many wonderful Halloween's where my friends and I ran around the entire town. By the time we were done, we had a completely full pillowcase of candy. My daughter after going around the neighborhood we were in, didn't really have that much. The cute part? She was more excited to be able to go out with mom than she was to get the candy. She told me, "mom you're so much sweeter than any candy." Could she get any cuter?

I'm falling. I'm not going to get hurt, I won't let it happen. When I hear those words I get chills down my spine. I don't think any words could mean more to me than to hear those come out of my own mouth. I guard my heart with everything there is, I know that times in the past I've been hurt. I look at who did the hurting, and why I allowed it to happen. I trusted when I shouldn't of, I let my guard down. I got into a very good conversation the other night with a wonderful man who's opinion I value highly. We were talking about cheating spouses, and significant others. We came to the conclusion that there really isn't an answer as to why they do it, but it's not the person who got cheated on, is to blame. Something in relationships has completely gone out the window. Communication. It's gone. I can sit here and say that every relationship I have been in, there was talking, but no communication. We would talk about mundane things, but never the important things. I wonder why that is? I guess that is one thing I personally am looking forward to changing. Listening. I have gotten so used to "tuning out" things that were being said to me. Mostly because those things were incredibly hurtful. But I think that if I would of really listened, I would of been able to move on before I actually did. I can also say that every time I went to say something about my feelings, I was quoted a liar, or completely ignored. Humiliation is a crazy emotion. Fortunately, everyone has experienced humiliation at least once in their lives. If they hadn't, they would probably be the most shallow person. That isn't for me to judge, but I really think that some people need to learn how to deal with humiliation. It would definitely make this world a better place. That and swallowing pride. Aren't they the same thing though?

I was out counting stars tonight, and we have a beautiful full moon. I feel full. I feel full of love, compassion, and so many other things that it would take me years to put it all down. I am so grateful for everyone that is in my life. I am grateful for the 92 yr old man that asked me to marry him today.  That coming from a 92 yr old, just cracked me up to the point where I had to take a break. I look at that man and see that his life is full. As he was telling me about his life experiences in the short span of a haircut, I realized that he had a wonderful marriage. Sometimes there were arguments, but they always "communicated." He had so many stories that I could of listened to him for hours, talking about how his life has been, and is full. I am really looking forward to discovering more about that one person who makes my life feel full. For the first time in my life, in that particular area, I have hope.

A New Beginning for Me?

WOW.
I know that God puts trials in your path to see how you can cope, and to make you stronger. I know this because of everytime I look into my past I see all the trials, all the lessons I have learned. I have learned this past weekend that life can and will put you out, but it's what you take from that experience that matters. In this past month alone, I have been re-united with some wonderful people that were in my life in the past, and are now in my life again. This time to stay.
Being raised in a small town, meant to me at the time, a lot of people in your business. I look back and see that small town meaning so much more to me now. I see love and compassion from everyone. I see a community that cares for each other. I see that yes, we tend to get on each others nerves, but in a time of need, we were there for each other.
I was reading my journal earlier today. In a couple of the entries that I wrote, I have to admit I was quite the pessimist. I am bound and determined to look at life with love and compassion that has been shown to me. I am bound and determined to be optimisitc about my life no matter what may be going on at the time. I was reading my book "The Tae of Piglet" in it I found a wonderful quote to go with my train of thought today I posted it on my FB page, but I'm going to put it here too. "Safe pessimists of the world never accomplish much of anything because they don't look clearly & objectively at situations. They don't recognize their own abilities to overcome even the smallest amount of risk".
I was outside last night counting stars in-between the clouds that were rolling in bringing this snow. I was thinking that as the cloud passes over the star, you know it's still there. You might not be able to see it, but you will eventually. I've posted pretty much the same thought before, but if you really look into the current situation and see what others see from an outside view, you know that people love you and have a compassion that you might not of seen unless the wind came in and blew the clouds away.

Who Knew???

Holy crow, can I just say that I am completely amazed at the turn of events this week? I'll update y'all...

So on Thursday, I had my heart removed for good. I always thought that I would make it through with the guy I've been dating, off and on, for the last 6 yrs. Thursday night I was going to take him dinner after I got off work, and, well, he was busy. With another woman. I don't know why I was so shocked, I've had the feeling that he didn't want me anymore for the longest time, but I tried to ignore it. I guess it's like when you try to ignore a sliver or something. It just ends up festering until you have to actually do something about it. Same with this situation. This is a really great guy, I promise. We just didn't work together anymore. Apparently. I don't need to convince anyone but myself that he cares about me. I know he still does. If he didn't he wouldn't of given two cents about making sure that I understood that he didn't mean to hurt me. He really is a good person. Outside and in. Or is he? It's not my place to judge, but it is my place to move on.

Who knew that there are actually men out there that do things for you just because? Who knew that you could actually sit back and enjoy the benefits of being pampered and know that they don't want anything in return? Who knew, right? I'm not saying that I haven't ever experienced being taken care of. I'm just saying that this was probably THE best time for it to happen to me. I have been completely amazed at how my friends have totally stepped up and helped me through what I see as a VERY hard time in my life. (I know, I thought it was over in May, but I tried to make it work, ok?) I always thought that this relationship would work. Isn't that what they all say? Then when it's over, they're all shocked. "I can't believe it happend to me," or "what is wrong with me?" I have to say I repeated more than just these two quotes I posted on here. I thought I was completely broken. I thought that there would never be anything for me ever again. I was wrong. Completely.

Hell, if I can make it through 3 years of not using oxycontin, and have custody of my daughter taken away from me. I should be able to handle this, right? At least that's what I kept telling myself Thursday night. And Friday morning. And Friday afternoon. Then I got off work and a friend who was in town for the weekend called me. I really didn't want to go anywhere but home so I could cry myself to sleep. I am SO grateful I didn't. I have had a wonderful weekend. I am trying to act all tough, so I will let you know that I still hurt when I'm alone and my mind starts going in the usual 50 directions. When I try to sleep, I hurt. When I'm riding my bike, I hurt. The best part from all this is the lesson I have learned. Nothing is forever. I know I'll always love and care about this man. I don't know the true extent of the return. I know that I'll always be grateful for the lesson I learned that not everyone is the same. That people do sincerely care about you. I always knew my friends cared, but I now know that my friends love me. I only hope that someday I will be able to return the love and caring that I have received this weekend.

If it looks like I'm avoiding telling you guys about something, it's because I am. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm so confused on how someone can hurt SO BAD, and still feel happy... Is it so easy to forget everything when something better comes along? I don't think you ever forget, you just put it in another area of your memories. Right? Again with the questions. Times like this make me wonder if my crush ever thinks about me, because he is always there in the background every time something like this happens...

As I was sitting out counting stars earlier tonight, I was having a really hard time with counting because they kept going all blurry. I had to stop and wipe my eyes a lot. The tears came freely. And they came for two reasons. #1~for the pain of losing (obvious reasons) #2~for the joy of knowing that you are truly cared about. I am truly grateful for the love and compassion I have felt and witnessed this last weekend. My heart is full...

Vices that kill, Vices that don't...

I've been thinking a lot about my vice lately. I know everyone has a vice, but honestly, why do I have to have a vice that could potentially kill me? It's a nasty habit, but man alive I'd kill for one right now. Unfortunately, I decided that I would try to quit my nasty little habit. So right at this moment instead of going outside to quench my vice, I am sitting here typing about all the reasons that vices are bad, especially if they have the potential to kill you. Either way, I need to quit.

I think everyone has a vice. It can be as harmless as a clean freak, and it can be as hurtful as a harsh word, or a cancer producing product. Can words kill though? Is it the words that are spoken that kill, or is it the person who took the words too seriously?

Life is so full of so many questions, the sad part? I don't think 70% of those questions will ever be answered. I guess we just need to take what we can out of the situation and learn from it. In the last 9 years I have had harsh words thrown at me time and time again. "You're a bad mother" was the one I have heard the most. I don't believe it for one iota of a second. I know I am a good mom, I know that my little butterbean is my world. A lot of the time you have to consider the source of the comment. Is the comment coming from someone you respect? Or is it coming from someone who is saying those things to try and get under your skin? Like I said, consider the source.

I was sitting outside last night counting stars, laying on the trampoline, freezing my butt off to say the least. I had my 3 down comforters, my heating blanket, and I was still freezing. But the payoff was that I saw 4 falling stars. I think everyone falls at one time in their life.
But honestly -
 It's what that person does to get back up and move on, right? Take each comment with a grain of salt, only you can decide if that comment knocks you off your feet or not.

No Stars for You Tonight My Dear...

I was all snuggled up in bed, getting warm, and my brain wouldn't shut off. I can't go outside and count stars because of the rain. I have to get this out somehow.

I've been divorced for a little over 9 yrs, and through those 9 yrs I have dated a couple of different men. A couple of them I chose to forget about them because they caused so much pain. I have been dating a man for 6 yrs. In those 6 yrs we had our good times and our bad times. What relationship doesn't? Right? In May of 2009 right over Memorial Day weekend, we had a huge argument. For a minute there, I thought it was over. My friends and family, bless their hearts, told me that it was a good thing. But then as I sit here and think about it, they only heard about the bad times I had with him. I never shared the good times with them, only the bad because I have been told over and over, that whatever goes on is no one's business but your own. But you have to get it out somehow, right? Especially when you are upset. So of course they had a one sided opinion of this man. This is my fault. I have realized that everyone makes their own mistakes, everyone will either learn from those mistakes, or not. It's up to that person. Right? I know it sounds like I am rambling, but again, this is how my brain works. I sit and ramble on about 10 different subjects, and eventually I get all my frustrations out so that I can at least sleep.

I put on my face book status earlier today "I wish I had telepathy so I could hear what people were thinking". This is still true. My friends pointed out some of the better reasons as to why it's not a good idea, but with the thoughts running through my head, I really wish at times I could. That and stop time. There are so many times I wish I could just stop time. Like all those times that I missed an important meeting, or when I was getting a speeding ticket. I remember a show when I was younger where a girl would put her two pointer fingers together and bam, time would stop. Then if she wanted to talk to someone while time was stopped she would just touch them and time would start again. There are a bunch of quizzes on fb asking what your favorite super power would be and I have two. Telepathy, and stopping time. The only bad part are the side effects of such powers. Why can't our lives be like a romance novel? Where the guy makes the girl fall madly in love with him and there's a happy ending? I miss hearing those special words so bad sometimes that it just brings tears to my eyes. I just don't know that when I do hear them, that is they are sincere, or just to make me happy. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me. The thing is, it's completely different to have a special someone tell you he loves you for the first time. Or even after you've been dating for a couple years and he tells you, and you still get chills from hearing it. I'm wondering if this weather has me down. I don't usually get bothered by such things, I think I'm coping very well. I do, however, think it's an acceptance thing. If someone special you love tells you they love you, you feel accepted. At least in my world you do. I don't know. I guess I can repeat myself and ask "why"? Why don't I have that in my life right now? Maybe it's because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing to make that person happy. Maybe it's because I need to focus on other things, but honestly it helps so much to know that someone special loves you and that they are standing behind you 100%, and that nothing you do, or not do, will stop that love from being there. I'm still confused as to why a couple of my relationships didn't last. I know that I'm needy, I know that I require attention. I'm working on that. Now I'm wondering if I don't ask for enough attention, and that leads him to thinking that I'm not interested. I don't know. I say those words a lot "I don't know". The thing is, is I really don't know. I don't have all the answers, I don't want all the answers. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don't. I know that life teaches you a lesson, that what you get from that lesson is up to you as a person. But good god, life can hurt like a damn paper cut!

Since I can't go out and count stars tonight, I guess I'll have to do with the memory of them. I guess it's like life. You know the stars are there, and you know they aren't going anywhere, you just can't see them at the moment. I guess I can put my situation in this... I know someone out there loves me, and even though I can't see him, I can't give up the hope and dream of knowing that someday, somewhere, we will be together.

One down.... Two to GO...

I don't know what I have done to piss Karma off, but she sure as hell hates me lately. There are so many things that I have to take care of, and for some reason they all popped up at once. Thanks to my "was lost but now found" friend, I was able to cross one of those things off my list.

I think money is the root of all evil. If you think about it, it's the most dirty, disgusting thing in the world, and everyone LOVES it.

The other night on TLC, I was watching this terrible show about parents who put their children in pageants. These children think that is the one and only thing there is about being a child. If they don't look a certain way, they are ugly. If they are missing teeth, they are ugly. What the hell is this world coming to? I think it's cute as hell when I see a child smile and they are missing their teeth!! But these pageants are teaching them that they are ugly if one little thing is out of place. So the parents spend $Thousands$ of dollars on the dresses, costumes for talent, flippers (fake teeth) hair stylist, etc... Who knows what else they do because what they showed on the program was limited. I just can't see the good out of exploiting children to that behavior. Then the world wonders why children are anorexic, or depressed. Hey, here's a hint... MAKE YOUR CHILDREN GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!! Instead of letting them sit at the TV all afternoon. I honestly can't think of any time other than when I was sick that I wasn't outside playing after school.

I try my hardest to be a good parent. I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I will do anything to make her happy. I wonder how some people can actually hurt children and think that they are in the right. Child Protection Services is supposed to be there for the children, but when they take the story from a manipulative adult over what the child is saying happened, aren't they just supporting child abuse?

Last night while I was counting stars, I realized that I have a lot of questions, I know that most of them won't ever get answered. I guess that's part of life, right? Find your path and start your journey with your first step.

3 YEARS AND COUNTING!!!!

Three years ago, I made THE HARDEST life changing decision ever, to better my life. People say that "when god closes a door he opens a window". That quote never really meant a lot to me until that day. I was once again laying in bed after taking my daughter to school, and wondering if I'll ever get out of the "pit" I was living in. I wasn't happy, I was completely depressed. I wanted to end my life, but the thought of my daughter living with out me was the reason I didn't end it. I called my cousin and asked her for help. Until this time, no one in my family knew that I had a problem with drugs. They knew I was seriously depressed, they just didn't know how to ask me what was wrong. She completely dropped everything to meet me at Ogden Regional Medical Center. I walked through the doors at 1:20pm that day. I had just had my last oxycontin and xanax. I was shaking because the fear of going through withdrawls was terrifying!! The only reason I stayed is because I didn't want to ask my boyfriend for more money for more drugs.
When I asked my cousin what I should bring with me she said "things of comfort" like books, cd's, etc... When I got down to my room 6 hours later, the nurse took everything away. My cell phone, my cd's even my toothpaste, and mouthwash. The only reason she let me keep my book is because it was Harry Potter, and she didn't think that would cause any problems. So there I was without a phone, and my music. (anyone who knows me, knows that I have to have my music) By this time, I'm in withdrawls. BAD. I'm shaking, I'm sick, I'm ready to walk out the doors and call it quits. The nurse then gave me some medication to help with the withdrawl symptoms.
I really don't remember the next 5 days. I don't know if I mentally blocked it out because of the pain I was in, or if because I have a habbit of blocking out painful memories. I'm not sure. I do remember a couple things. I cried for the entire first 24 hrs of being there. I didn't eat for 4 days except a couple bites of my food here and there. The one thing I do remember with perfect clarity is this old man (Big AL) that was there for alcohol. He sat up with me for the entire first night and talked to me. I don't know how old he was, all I know is that his wife brought him in because of his drinking. The conversation is way too long to put on here that I had with this man. I can tell you that he said a lot of things to make me think about with my life. The most important was, "don't push your family away like I have". He ended up leaving the next day, and 2 days later I received a letter from his wife telling me that he passed away. That was the first death I had to deal with in my journey through this trial. At one point in my detox I asked my nurse if I could call someone to come give me a blessing. At first she was kind of rude and told me that "no one will come because it's conference weekend". I argued with her for a long time on that one. I wanted to call my mom's bishop, and my nurse wouldn't let me because of the bishop's conference that day. So in the end I called my brother. He came within an hour. At this time I wasn't allowed any visitors. So when I saw my brother, I grabbed a hold of him and didn't want to let go. Not even long enough to let him give me my blessing. I was shaking so bad, I couldn't hold still. I finally sat down and let him and the family member he brought with him give me my blessing. I'm not sure if the presence of my brother brought comfort, or if the blessing did, or both. I'm pretty sure both. I don't know if he will ever realize this, but he is such a role model to me. He is so strong, and so sure, that sometimes to this day, I just want to go and wrap my arms around him, and tell him I love him. Sometimes I try. After the blessing was done, I gave my brother a hug, and again, I didn't want to let him go. After he left, I knew I could finish with my detox.
After my detox, my family and I decided that I needed to go through the 28 day program. That meant going in at noon and leaving at 9pm. Every day until I graduated. My mom is such a wonderful person. She has done SO much for me that I know I'll never be able to thank her. I know that as long as I am happy and healthy, it's a start. For the first week of me being released from detox I know that she didn't sleep very much. She would wake up in the morning, take me and my daughter to Bountiful so my daughter could go to school, then take me to the center for my program. (At the time, I was telling my daughter that I was going to classes to make me a better person. That was how I justified lying to my daughter. I eventually told her everything.) After my daughter got out of school, she would go pick her up, and take her either home, or to my apartment until I got out at 9pm. (this is because I wasn't supposed to drive because of the medication I was still on for the withdrawls) After the first week, I decided that I would try driving on my own. I remember the first time I got behind the wheel after not driving for so long. I was terrified. The anxiety was so incredible, I almost pulled over and started crying numerous times. (I know this is scattered, but anyone who knows me, will understand that this is the way my brain works). After being in the program for a couple days, they told me that in order to "graduate" I had to work the 12 step program. At the time, I thought "piece of cake". I was SO wrong. The 12 step program is an old program that was used for alcoholics. It is now used for addicts also. This program is there to help you see where your problems are and how to fix them. At the time I thought this is bs, why should anyone have to go through this? Now I can look back, and see that when I actually put my heart and soul into the program, it worked for me. To this day I still use the 12 step program.
While I was in the program, I met some wonderful people. Especially my counselor Rick. I will never forget the man who made me think about me. Who helped me understand that I am my first priority. That if I'm not taking care of myself, how can I take care of anything else, including my daughter.
During my 28 days in the program, I lost a couple friends. People I got to know very closely. Both of them we lost because of addiction.
I eventually graduated, and moved on to the aftercare program where once a week, you go in to a "group" therapy. After a year, I didn't like the fact that every week someone came in and had "re-lapsed". I eventually started going to AA meetings almost every day, and made it through the 2nd year with those, and stopped going to aftercare.
I am so proud of myself for making it 3 years!! As I sit here and try to think about how I can possibly express my gratitude for everyone who has been a positive influence in my life, the only thing I can think of is to let people know about my experience. Let them know that it IS possible to conquer addiction. It's a daily struggle, but you just have to make it through the day. Don't worry about the next day until it gets here. If something comes up that you can't handle, give it over to your "higher power".
Kody, thank you for all your endless love and strong support. I love you with all my heart.
My Mom, my Dad, my Sister & her Husband, my Brother & his wife.... I love you. Thank you. You will never understand how much I look up to all of you.
My Cousin, thank you for taking on another weight on your already heavy load. I love you.
With all my heart and all the gratitude I have, I want to tell my family that I love them with all my heart. My daughter is my light at the end of my tunnel. She has helped me through so much in her little girl life so far just by being my "lil butterbean". My friends are irreplaceable. I wouldn't of made it through any of this part of my life without any of you. Thank you to all of you. I love you all.

Another day in the life of.....

I know that life can be complicated at times, and people come and go, but seriously? In the past month I have met wonderful people, and I have met people I chose to forget. I will never understand why people have the need to lie about their lives to get attention. Are their lives just boring and they need to spice them up? I guess it's just a "emotional" thing for acceptance. I have taken a long look at my life in the last 3 yrs. In 6 days I will have been "sober" from oxycontin for 3 years!! Yay to me, right? After all that I put myself through in those years before I realized that I wasn't living the life I wanted, I needed to change. I still remember the day I got out of detox. My mom took me to her house up in Morgan. When I got out of the car, I turned and looked at the mountain and saw with watery eyes the beautiful fall colors. Literally my eyes started to water from the vibrancy of the colors on the trees. I realized at that point in my life, I NEVER wanted to become numb again. So here I am 3 yrs later, and still have kept strong. So I guess I'll top this post off with my prayer I wrote when I was in the program.
A Prayer For Me...

My Dear Keeper,

My loss, my lonely, my mistakes, my bad, my broken, all my should haves left unspoken, are all yours now. Surround me with your comfort and your love. My will is yours. All my problems, all my insecurities are in your hands. I'm just going to make it throught this minute, I'll worry about the next one when it gets here. I can't, You can, It's yours.

Thank you for giving me this life. I know I have complained and acted un-grateful. I now see that you never put anything in front of me that I couldn't handle. I know now that this is my test, my journey. I know that you are there holding my hand.

My wings are still new. I know that you will be there when I take flight into a new area of my life.

Thank you for my guardian angels. I say angels because I know there are more than one. I can feel their love and comfort for me.

Carry me home as the sun kisses the window sill and as I drink my second cup of pity me, you will prove the miracle.

When I stray, I know you will be waiting to guide me back. When I forget, I know you will remind me. When I hurt and when I fall, you will be there to hold me with loving arms. When I laugh, I know you will be there with your warm smile. When I reach for the stars, I know you will be there to lift me up. When I fear, I know you will be there to comfort me.

I'm still learning how to fly. I know you are the wind that will carry me.

Thank you for your unconditional love for me.

My love is yours to keep.

Never again will I forget the trials I have been through, and hopefully, hopefully, I can help others to know that addiction is a daily battle, and everyone needs a little help every now and then.

Counting stars last night reminded me that I am not ready for the cold, but I have to accept that life has it's own little cycle. You can either enjoy the ride, or you can try and keep it from spinning around. I would much rather enjoy the ride.

A Day in the Life OF.......

So seriously, where does the saying "treat others the way you want to be treated" come from anyway? We are taught all our lives that if you want to be treated good, you have to treat others the way you want to be treated. So if that is the case, why oh why, do people forget that? I have discovered in my life the word "why" comes up a lot. Why me, why do people do this, why, why, why.... My question is why? Why anything? I had my daughter yesterday for the night. I'm supposed to be able to pick her up after school, but her dad "the control freak" is still fighting the system, and not allowing me my parental rights. I keep thinking that if he and his wife treated me the (for 8 yrs) the way I treat them now, my life would of been so much easier. Instead, I get the ole "NO" for everything. I've been divorced for 9 years, get over it people!! Move on!! Quit trying to run my life, that's part of the reason I got divorced. So now I only get to see my daughter every Wed. and every other weekend. I'm still not sure if I like this. It's amazing the things you learn in life. If it was my choice, I would of learned it all when I was younger, then I could just play now. I guess that's all part of "growing up". As I was counting stars last night, I watched the moon set. It was so beautiful. Only half there, and a beautiful orange gold kind of color. I love the full moon, but so does everyone else. I think my favorite is the little sliver of moon that you see. You don't have to see all of it to know it's beautiful.

Starting Gate....

I guess the thing to do now days is to blog your successes and your disappointments... I guess I'll give it a shot, if I fail, oh well. If I at least touch one heart in the process, then my goal has been reached.