It Has Been a VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME.... (I forgot my password, OK?)

Wow, it has been a VERY long time. The last time I was on this blog was September 25, 2012. Honestly, I couldn't remember the log in and password for this blog. Crazy that 6 years later, almost to the day, I finally remembered the email and password!

I am so happy it's not even funny! I have tried and tried and tried over and over so many different passwords, only to be denied access. Then at one point, I couldn't even access the blog. Weird, right?

BUT - I am back! and I am ready to get going with this silly little blog once again. I still want to focus on my sobriety, but there are so many other aspects of life that I would love to share with anyone who is bored, and needs something human to read.

So here goes nothing.... AGAIN......

Today I am celebrating my 12th year of sobriety from heroin and cocaine. 12 Years of saying no to the fog, and yes to my life. I now have everything I need, to have the life I want. No, it's not always sunshine and rainbows, but on the days where the darkness wants to invade, I have powerful tools to help me through to the next day. I went through and read through some of my old posts on here, and to be completely honest, I was so lost! The crazy part is all this time, all I needed to do was just love myself unconditionally, treat others the way I want to be treated, and be happy with who, and what I am all about! I just had to stop talking about it and just do it. Just follow my own advice! I know, it's a lot easier to talk about things than it is to actually do them. But if you look at the rewards of your hard work, it becomes easier and easier each time.

Here is the funniest, craziest part of this entire blog. Every now and then I mention my high school crush. Well guess what? After being single for over 4 years, I am now happily together with my high school crush, and life couldn't be any better than it is on a daily basis. Isn't it weird how things work out? Things you think are important at the time end up not being important, and the things that you had in the back of your mind, end up being part of the most important part of your life.

So here is what I have learned in the last 6 years of not being able to remember the password on this blog and share with you......

One day it all catches up to you. Every ended relationship, every tear shed, every broken heart. You pick up the pieces, brush them off and you put them back together. Only each time you need a little more glue. Then, just like that, glue is no longer strong enough anymore. The cracks, the holes, the shattered dreams. They're a part of you. Try as you might, you can't fix what's been broken, you can't mend what's been torn. You're down trodden, pathetic, unable to go on... Or so you think. Then he walks into your life with a smile, with a whisper and a kiss, and you're no longer broken. Your world of grey becomes a little brighter, a little more colorful. The more time you spend with him, the more complete your once fragile, shattered heart becomes. Until one morning you wake up and it's just like that, you're in love and the grass is greener, the sky is more blue, and the past is the past. You are no longer consumed with regret, remorse, or pain. Yet in the back of your mind, one thing lingers... FEAR - fear of what you're risking, fear of going back, fear of being broken again, this time forever. Then he smiles and says those 3 words you've been longing to hear and nothing else matters. Your life is finally complete.

You'll come across so many people in your life. Some you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. The real miracle is when you spend time with yourself, learn who you are, find your true inner happiness, you suddenly realize that nothing can break you ever again, and that finally finding the other half of your soul was worth all the waiting, and pain of past relationships. This is the one and only for you.

Not everything turns into what you think it's supposed to be in life. And not everybody is supposed to just walk out of your life. Sometimes surprises and second chances do happen. And when they do, you can not be afraid to let them happen. I have realized that I was allowing fear to keep me from a second chance at something that could maybe, possibly be something worth looking into. The fear was making me not be able to actually have a conversation with people who were in my life, I had become a hermit, and in turn it pushed a lot of people away. But here's the funny part, those who stuck around are the ones who truly matter to me. They are the ones who love me for who I am, and what I have to offer them, even if it's nothing more than open ears and a closed mouth. 

Rumi once  wrote "surrender is the door one must pass through to find passion. I find this true especially when recognizing that the only enemy that ever existed are the eyes of ones own perception." You never know...

Short and Sweet...

This is going to be a short and sweet update. My life is going great. I have 5 years of sobriety (YAY ME!!) my daughter is 13 years old (god, help me) I have amazing friends, and family, I clean houses for a living (my own company!). You would be so surprised to see how some people can live. That TV show hoarders, yes, it really is a true thing. Some people do actually try to live like that. I don't know how, but they try. I have some of the most amazing clients that I am so grateful that I have gotten to know. I have lost touch with some of my friends, but I know that they will always be there for me. That's what a true friend is, right?

I am ready for spring. I'm done with winter. I want to be able to go out and talk to my friends, the stars. I miss talking to them, and figuring out my next step in life. BRING ON SPRING!!

Simply Amazing!! or is it??

To say the least life has it's curve balls. I honestly can't say what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. All I know is that as long as I am living my life to MY standards, I will be just fine. Live your life with perfect trust, perfect love, and harm to none. Those are my standards. I really don't see anything wrong with those standards, but there are those out there who will find a fault with them. I can't even begin to express my gratitude towards those in my life right now. I have an amazing daughter, an amazing family, and amazing extended family, and friends. I couldn't ask for better right now. So why am I struggling to be happy? Why do I feel like I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life?

It really is amazing to look at your current position and see what you have been through to get to where you are right now. What lessons have you learned? What trials have you overcome? I know that I will never have all the answers to all my questions, but to be honest, I'm quite content right now.

I have 5 years sobriety from my "addiction" and I am SO damn proud of myself. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't of been able to overcome that certain aspect of my life. I'd probably be dead right now...

I look at my blog, and all this time I have to admit, I have repeated myself so much! I'm not sorry though. This blog was started to express my thoughts. I don't have very many followers, and I really don't care. This is about my life, my trials, and my tribulations. If I can touch one person's life, then I have done my job. The sad part is, I used to be able to write what I think is some pretty good posts on here, but lately it feels like I just can't seem to get into the mood. Almost like I have writers block. Now I know how someone feels when they are trying to write an amazing story, and can't come up with the right words.

I have an amazing life right now. I have a job that I love, amazing friends, amazing roommates, and an amazing family. So why do I feel like something isn't right? I hope I can figure this out soon because I don't know how much longer I can go feeling so wrong... I have been thinking about my high school crush a lot lately. I wonder why he pops into my head so randomly? Is it really random, or is he always on my mind? Does he ever think of me?

I would love to go talk to my friends, but lately the sky is so full of pollution, that even if it wasn't freezing outside, I wouldn't be able to talk to them because I can't see them. I hope I get some answers soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know I am meant for something big in this life, and I just can't seem to figure out what it is... Wish me luck!?!?

Where Do I Go From Here?

Lessons we learn on a daily basis are sometimes forgotten in the turmoil of the day. I have to keep reminding myself to look and see what I have learned. Some lessons, I still don't know what I was supposed to learn, but I have faith that I will learn whatever it is eventually.

Another sweet friend passed away last night. I can't figure out why God keeps taking all these amazing people away from their loved ones, when there are child molesters, rapists, murders, etc... out there!! I know it's not for us to choose, and it's not for us to figure out, but GOOD LORD, why take the ones who are amazing, with people who love them with all their hearts, away? I don't know the answers, I don't think I ever will. I DO know that I will always question God as long as he keeps taking these amazing people away from their loved ones.

Time is such a valuable thing in life. Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time. Who can say if your love grows, as your heart shows, only time (Enya). I have realized lately that a lot of my thoughts are said in lyrics of songs. I have such a romantic heart. I have tried and tried to beat it out of my system, but I always end up being romantic in the end. I have chosen to let my heart go. I gave it away, tied with a big red ribbon. I don't know if I will ever get it back, but even if I don't, I will know that I loved enough to let it go.

You remember watching the silly Disney movies when you were little and thinking, "someday my prince will come rescue me," only to realize that when you get older your thinking changes to, "someday my prince will come after me, because I'm worth it." I know I'm worth it, I just don't know if he'll come after me... I guess the only thing I can do is just live my life, become who I know I can, and if things work out, they were meant to. But good HELL, it HURTS!!

These are the days of the endless summer, these are the days that time allowed. There are no clouds, there is only the future. There's only here, there's only now. I can hear your heart beat from a 1,000 miles, the heavens open every time you smile. Take away my trouble, take away my grief, take away my heartache, and give me peace. Because you gave me love of your heart, the kind that speaks to me. (another song lyric)

I FINALLY hit my 5 year sobriety mark!! YAY for ME!! right? Then why doesn't it feel like much? Why do I feel like it really wasn't that bad? Even though deep down where it should matter, I'm telling myself that I am amazing to be able to conquer such a feat... I wasn't expecting the world to name a national holiday after me, but to be honest, there was only one person who actually remembered. And I haven't even known her for very long. Jessica, you truly are amazing!! I know God places people into our lives who are there to teach us something, or we are supposed to teach them something. I don't know if I'm learning what I should be learning, or teaching what I'm supposed to teach, but I have faith that in time, I will.

All summer I kept forgetting about my best friends. I miss them so much. I didn't visit them very much, and I can definitely feel the difference. I know they are always there for me, and I know that if it wasn't raining outside right now, I could go and talk to them. I miss my stars, I will definitely work on visiting with them more.

Love with all you have,

have all your love around you.

You never know when your love will leave you,

so don't ever let it go.

Show your love your everything,

your love will show you more.

Give your heart without the strings,

and your love will show you the world...

Sweet Dreams

Bucket list from Hell?

Sometimes in life there are things you want to ignore, things you wish you could ignore, and things you just can't ignore. There are so many things rolling around in my head at this time in my life, that I'm scared that if I don't get them out, I'll burst. Or just lose everything that I want to say. Why does fear control so much of who we are? There are so many times in my life that I have doubted myself and my feelings, that I just want to beat my head against the door... and hope that something good answers the door.

In the last month I have been thinking about a bucket list. I have never really thought of that before, mainly because I was always altering my future with whom I was dating at the time. I didn't realize that until I had my "awakening" a while ago. I can't believe how willing I was to alter my own happiness for a man. So please excuse me while I go off on a tangent on what I want for my own bucket list. And please keep in mind that some of these "items" on MY list, might make you scratch your head in wonder, but they mean something to me. Deep down inside, where it really matters.

1- See a real firefly

2- See the northern lights

3- See a real whale in the ocean

4- Sleep on a beach

5- Spit off the Eiffel Tower

6- Ride on a motorcycle going 90 miles per hour and feel my hair fly

7- Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef (even though I am claustrophobic)

8- Conquer the fear of heights and maybe go bungee jumping or skydiving? Maybe?

9- Win a video game (any game, I don't care, as long as I win)

10-Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

11- See a Green Flash

12- See a real Sea Turtle in the ocean

13- Ride in a Gondola in Italy

14- Kiss the Blarney Stone

15- See Phantom of the Opera

16- Watch a Sunset with the one I love...

I have so much on my mind right now, so honestly there are a ton of things that I need to add to MY list, but right now, I honestly can't think of any.

I went camping with my wonderful family over Memorial Day this year, at Hyrum Lake, in UT. The first night we were there I thought that my life was in disarray. I had gotten in an argument with my boyfriend, and honestly needed something of a release. I didn't know I would find it in my long lost friends. The stars.

I took my telescope with me thinking that I would use it. I didn't. There was no moon out. As the entire camp went into their slumber, I snuck down to the dock. There were no clouds, no wind. Everything was still as if I had somehow put the world on pause. The lake was like glass. Reflective as a mirror. I had every thing I needed. Heaven and earth, in one place, at one time. I had my friends in the sky, winking down at me, and their beauty being reflected in the lake. I don't know exactly how long I laid on the dock, but I do know that I came to realize that I am done letting someone else make important decisions in my life. I will do the things that I want, when I want. I will do the things that make ME happy. And if you don't like it, sorry. Not really, but honestly if you don't like it, walk away. No one is forcing you to associate with me. So go right ahead and ignore me if you want, but it's no longer going to hurt me, or even touch me in the slightest. This will be the last you hear of me saying anything to draw attention to this matter. I. AM. DONE. I am myself, I am a strong woman, who has her own bucket list.

Is there such thing as a reality fairy tale? Honestly, what would happen if I left, because the words I was yearning to hear weren't said? Unfortunately the world has forgotten fairy tales, and only worry about money, money, and more money.... Don't get me wrong, money can make you comfortable, but can it make you truly happy? Will it bring your true love back? Does it make you truly happy? I understand that money will make things easier in life, but do you need that big house, the boat, the everything that money buys? Or do you need the truth of love? I have such a romantic soul. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of all the stupid books I read. or maybe because that's what I deserve. I won't know until it hits me like a brick wall. Before I leave you, I have just a few words that keep repeating in my mind. I don't know what they mean to me, and I don't know why they keep repeating themselves to me.... maybe you'll know after reading them. If you do, please let me know.

When I'm alone in the night, and the moon sheds its tears,

I know my world would come right, if only you were here.

Without you my heart is empty of all but the memories it keeps.

You, only you, stay inside me in the night while the moon weeps...

Open up your heart, and you'll find love.

This is our fate, I'm yours.

Sometimes.....

At time goes on in our lives, we often stop and wonder, "what if?" There are so many times that I have had that thought go through my mind in the last couple of months that it's mind numbing. The sad part about all those times is that I have let myself doubt my true feelings towards life. I let those "what if's" control my deepest desires, and the fear has taken over. I have always wondered why I allow these things to control me. I know I'm a strong person, with a warm heart, but the fear wiggles it's way into my heart and controls my every move. I wish there was a fear cure. I wish that there was some way I could rid my life of the fear. Then I turn around and look at all the times that I didn't allow the fear to control me, and I see all the blessings I have because I didn't.

I thought I was over the fear of being alone, and I didn't realize how truly OVER that fear I was until recently. I know I will live. I can look into my past and see where fear has taught me that I don't have to fear being alone. I know I can make it, I know I can live through another heart break. I have a feeling that that reason alone, is the reason I'm not scared of being alone anymore.

I'm not perfect, but I know I'm worth it. I've been waiting my whole life betting on a change. I see the change coming, but I shake with fear of what that change will bring. Will it bring pain, or warm sunshine. I'm starting to realize that change can be a good thing. Yes sometimes it brings pain, but for the most part, I grow from that change. I become a better person. Sometimes you have to lose to win. Right? I think I'm going to be OK...

I haven't had a chance to go count stars for a long time. Correction, I haven't allowed myself the time to count stars for a long time. Yes, the weather has been cold, but that's just an excuse. I know things that make me happy, and since I've been missing that happiness I have to look inside myself and figure out why. My happiness counts on me, and me only. No one can control my happiness, and it's about time I remind myself. For the last year I've counted on others to make me happy because I've been around people who can make me happy. What I didn't realize until now is that the only reason I am happy is because I allow myself to be happy. It's not because of the person I'm around. I know this all sounds so selfish, but it's so true! No one can control our emotions but ourselves. How can I have any sort of pride in myself, unless I put that pride there to begin with. I know the things I need to do to get that pride back, and it's about time I get off my ass and do it.

I know everyone gets into their little "funks," and unfortunately I get in mine and it takes a while for me to get back out. It's almost like I want to be depressed for a while. Like I want to see if I get any attention for it. And to be honest, I do, but I hate that kind of attention. I want the attention you get for being an amazing person on the inside and out! The great thing about that revelation is I know I am my biggest fan, and biggest supporter. WOW!! what a thing to realize!!

Now that I have my keys to what I need to do to make myself happy, it's time I get off my butt and get a move on. First things first, I'm going out to count the stars.

It's Been a While

It's interesting how life can change at a drop of a hat. I haven't written on here for a very long time, but I'm thinking that it's time to catch up...

I have almost 4 and a half years of sobriety now, and I'm still grateful for the things that I learned while I was "numb" to the world. At the time, when things are all going wrong, you always think that you just won't live to see the next day. I know part of the reason I have been able to conquer the trials that I have conquered is because of the strength of my family and friends. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I didn't have my family and friends, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have SO many people to thank for helping me become the person I am today. I know I've gone over and over in my head how my loved ones have helped, but I am a eternally grateful person, and feel that if you can't express your gratitude, then you aren't truly grateful.

My sister and her husband are true hearts. They have been through so much, and yet they are the remarkable people that I constantly look up to. They have never had to "borrow" money from parents, they always make it through the tough times, and they always stick together. They have had their fair share of trials, but those trials have made them the amazing, hard working people they are today. And for that reason, I look up to both of them with the up-most respect, admiration, and love.

My parents are another wonderful example. My mom has always held on to her faith. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to religion. Not once, that I have seen, has she ever faltered in her faith in the church. I have my questions, and concerns when it comes to the subject, but it doesn't matter what objections I come up with, she always has an answer. She is a true inspiration to me when it comes to "working your fingers to the bone." She is the hardest worker I have ever known in my life. Always working, always trying, always succeeding, even though she doesn't always see the success, it's there. She always has wonderful advice, even though she doesn't know it, for a broken heart. And for those reasons, she deserves all the respect and love I have.
My dad has always been there for me. He always has great advice when it comes to me having "issues" with someone. He is the most nonjudgmental, non-hypocritical person I have ever known. He is always willing to accept someone, always willing to give them the trust that so many people take for granted. He was in the Korean war, suffers from post traumatic syndrome, and still is a hard worker. For those reasons, he has my respect and love.

My brother and his wife are truly amazing people also. I don't know my brother very well, we've honestly lost touch in the last 10 yrs, but anytime I have ever needed someone, not matter the situation, he has been there. It's so comforting to know that my big brother will always be there for me. He is an amazing hard worker to the point where he has lost numerous hours of sleep just to find the success that he has earned. My big brother is the most amazing when it comes to "rescuing" me. I don't think he knows it, but I look up to him, almost like some do a superhero. He has lost a couple very close friends in the last few years, and he is still as strong as ever. His wife, is one that I know I can always get a hug from, who has the most creative side. She always has a new crafty idea, for that I am envious. They both work incredibly hard, and for all these reasons, they have my respect, and undying love.

My daughter has been through more in her 12 yrs than a lot of adults have been through in their entire lives. The strength that she shows daily is truly amazing. She has been put in a home where love is not shown, where she is constantly being grounded for things that her step-mother lies about, and she is still a generous, unselfish little girl, with a huge heart. The love that seeps from her is an inspiration to me. She is very nonjudgmental, and refuses to be part of the gossip train at school. It breaks my heart that there are things that I didn't want her to know, like my addiction, but I hope that if she learns anything from me, it will be that addiction is not a way of life. When people say, "would you do anything for your child?" my answer will always be YES. She is my light on a stormy night. She is my inspiration.

There are so many people that I could add to my list, but that would take years, and years to express my gratitude, respect, and love for all of them.

I haven't been out to count stars in what seems like ages. I miss my stars, and I'm sure that once it warms up, I'll be reunited with them once again. I wasn't really going to go the way I did, but I honestly think that this was a pretty good post. I'm going to try and post more often, but I also know that sometimes life has it's own little surprises, and it just doesn't get done. I truly hope that my example can be an inspiration to someone, just like those who I love that are in my life are to me. I love you all, thank you.

Dream with your eyes wide open, it'll be a ride you don't want to miss.

a "Gut" feeling...

I have a gut feeling that it's going to rain today. I have a gut feeling that the Lakers are going to lose. I have a gut feeling that something good is going to happen today. I have a gut feeling that something bad is going to happen today. These are all logical ways of using the phrase, "I have a gut feeling". In the past week that phrase has been used to try and ruin my reputation. I don't know how anyone can accuse someone of doing something off of a "gut feeling". I have also been on the brunt end of some cruel lies and jokes. One thing I can honestly say is, I know who I am, I know that I am a good person, and I know I didn't do the things that I have been accused of doing. Isn't that what matters? What you think of yourself? The crazy part is, there are those out there who don't know the "whole story" but they are fast to judge. That's part of the problem if you ask me.

It's been over a week since all of this "drama" went down, and everything has cooled off. I've moved into a friend's house for the time being, but I haven't been this happy in a very long time. I have learned so much about my limits, and what I'm willing to put up with. I now have a better idea of who I am. Imagine that!! Put someone through a bunch of drama that puts their reputation and integrity online, and that someone figures out who they are, and the limits they are willing to push within themselves.

I got an email from a special someone today and I would love to share it with you...

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much, they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You ARE special and unique.

8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

9. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.

10. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

11. Always remember the compliments you received, and forget the rude remarks.

12. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know, and you will both be happy.

13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.


I haven't been out to count stars very much lately. Time seems to be a factor. I haven't made the time to just go out, and relax and enjoy what my stars have to offer. That just goes to show that if you don't take time out for yourself, you don't have time for anything. I miss my stars, I'm sure they miss me. We had great conversations (mentally) night after night. I've just been so incredibly happy lately that it's hard to be down over me not going outside and counting the stars. I know they'll be there whenever I need them, and that goes to show that those who love you the most, even if you don't see or talk to them that often, will always be there for you.

In Due Time....

I haven't written on here for quite a while. There is a reason for that, but for now, I just want to up-date on what's been going on lately.

I started school in April. At first I was really apprehensive as to what I had just gotten myself into. Since the dreaded "first day" I have come to realize that I should of done this years ago. I love my classes. They are, Strategies, Ethics, Psychology, and Public Speaking. At first I really thought that I would hate Public Speaking, but to be quite honest, it's helping me with breaking out of my "shell". In Strategies, there is absolutely no way I could finish this class with the low self-esteem I started with. I basically makes you look at who you are, and what you can do to make yourself and your life better. The ways of reaching your goals, etc. In Ethics, I am learning so much about the world around me. There are so many things I didn't know were going on right in front of my face. In Psychology, I am learning about behaviors, etc. Why people act they way they do, and what I can do to cope with whatever comes my way. So to be honest, each of my classes is helping me become a stronger, more confident, me.

School aside, there has been a lot of other things going on, but to be quite honest, I think that at this point, I'm just going to enjoy the ride, and see where it takes me. I had a conversations with one of my "ex's" today, and it really hurt me. BAD. I allowed what he said, to actually hurt me. Didn't I learn the first time around with him? I couldn't figure out why I let this happen. Until I looked at the situation from an outward point of view. He wanted me back, I told him no. Even though we dated for a short ammout of time, habit from the past made me want to just forgive the pain he caused me, and let him back. Strength from who I am becoming, made me reject the idea. Unfortunately, he didn't like what I had to say, and he chose that time to tell me exactly what he thought of me, and tell me what he did while we were dating. Believe me, it hurt. Worse than just ripping my heart out, I actually let him jump on it once it hit the ground today. As the day progressed, I have had a lot of time to think. I know that in the past I have unknowingly sabotaged some of the relationships I was in because of my insecurities. I am so grateful that I can now look back and see where I made the mistakes. I trusted where trust shouldn't of trusted, I let go, where I should of held on, and I held on where I should of let go. It's interesting the things that happen that help you see the things that you completely missed the first time around.

Life is interesting in the way it goes about teaching you lessons. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't learned the lessons I have learned to this point, and I can't wait to learn what I am about to learn.

With the weather being so crazy lately, I haven't had very many opportunities to count my stars. I miss them. I don't know how I've done it without them, but I do know that NO MATTER WHAT, they will always be there for me. I will always have them there to protect me from the unknown of the universe. I am so grateful for everything they do for me. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank them properly. I do know that by living my life with my personal standards high, will be a start. I will no longer allow others to get me down. I am stronger, and there is no way I will allow that strength to be taken from me ever again. Just like I know that my stars will never let me down...

Maybe, Just Maybe...

So I have now hit my 3 1/2 anniversary. Honestly I never knew I would make it this far. I think that if I had to do it all over again, I would still make the same decisions. Only because those decisions made me who I am today.

I understand that I still have character defects, and I want to thank my friends for pointing them out to me. It's a lot easier to see those problems and try to fix them, than to not know they exist, and never fix them. I have been told recently by a sweet friend, that I spend way too much time on my phone. This is so true. I rely entirely too much on my phone for comfort. Up until recently, I always thought that if my phone wasn't ringing or a text coming in, I wasn't important. I have realized that the importance has to come from me first. Just like the whole priority thing. I was 110% positive that my daughter was my #1 priority before I went to rehab. Until I was made to see that no, she's not. If I don't take care of myself as #1, then how am I to take care of my daughter. Well, the same goes for being important. If I don't see myself as important, then I can't be made to believe it by anyone else until I do. It's amazing what you can see when you finally see the truth to life. At least now I can move on with confidence, and leave my phone at home. My friend is right, the economy now relies too much on the cell phone to do the work. We need to set our phones aside, and get out and physically talk to our friends. No more relying on the phone to do our work. We have become entirely too dependent on our phones. My goal this week is to treat my phone as if it was a home phone. Since I am never home though, my phone will be left in my car. I know this is a far stretch, considering my phone is always in my hand, but I think I can do it. This will show me that I am important to myself, that I don't need constant reassurance that I am important.

On the drive home last night from hanging out with some friends in Morgan, I pulled over to look at the sky. Every time I go up there, I think about the one guy. The one I've always had a crush on. What's he up to, what's new in his world? Does he ever think about me? Honestly, this is an entire different subject that I will share with you later. Back to Morgan. You can definitely see more stars up there. It was an amazing show. Each little star is important to us in it's own unique way. No one has ever told those stars they are important, they just know it. They don't have to be told, they just know. Each of these little stars are so incredibly strong. They fight through light years, just so we can see how beautiful they are. Even though it was freezing, I stayed out there for almost a half hour. This is the part where I convinced myself that I can do this. I am strong enough. I've been through much harder things before. I know that trials of the heart are the hardest to conquer, but like I said, I've made it through before. I can do it again. And maybe, just maybe, everything will work out.

Actions Speak Lounder than Words

In the past month, I can honestly say that my emotions have been one crazy roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, twists and turns, flips, you name it, my emotions have been there. It's not anyone's fault but MY OWN. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, and that fact alone has allowed a lot of heartache that I caused myself. Mainly because I judge the situation from the past before I give the talker the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe that person isn't the same as the person from the past. Then next thing I know I've put my foot in my mouth again. The good part about it all? I have learned so much about myself. I just hope that patience can work until I get over this whole thing...

One of the major things I have finally come to accept is that actions speak louder than words. I have had so many promises broken in the past 10 years, that I have finally come to the conclusion that you can talk all you want, but until you can show me, I'm sorry, but I won't believe you. I really need to get over that. I need to quit judging those around me now, by those I have chose to let go. I have a serious problem of expressing myself too openly for some people to understand. The way I see it is if I tell you how I feel, what I'm thinking, then you won't have any question as to where you stand in my eyes. Unfortunately, I don't get the same in return with those that I would like to have it from. Not their fault. Just because others don't express themselves openly doesn't make them a bad person. It actually can make them a better person because they actually think before they speak. Unlike me.

Thanks to my past, I have a hard time accepting words. Something I need to work on with myself. In the past, broken promises were just a subtle reminder that I just wasn't very important to that person. I was talking to a friend earlier today and I was told that my problems aren't necessarily with me, they're with the subconscious decisions that I make. Who I choose to surround myself with, etc. That doesn't mean that I surround myself with bad people, I just surround myself with people who don't think and act like I do. Which in turn causes confusion, which leads to a broken heart. Again, ALL MY FAULT. I have met some truly wonderful people in the last 6 months alone. Each and everyone of them are special in their own way. Each of them taught me something new about myself. Thank you, you know who you are.

One of the MAJOR problems I have lately is I speak and act before I think. Again, I can thank my past for this one too. In the past, unless I said what was on my mind at that time, I would bow down and accept that what I had to say wasn't important, and therefore never be able to express my feelings. I am no longer like this, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I say things that are on my mind at that moment. Unfortunately, I am worried that me being like this scares people away from me. I guess that when I feel like I have been hurt, I feel like I need to let that person know fast, so that I don't get scared, and never let them know. The thing is, every time in my past I have been hurt, I was too scared to let that person know that they hurt me. Now, I'm scared that if I don't tell the person that I'm hurt, I'll never have the courage to tell them later, after I've cooled off. I'll never know if whatever method I've used is right. I'm sorry.

I came in touch with a wonderful friend of mine this last week that I haven't talked to in almost 7 years. I totally understand the quote, "your true friends will always be there, they will love you no matter what" now. It feels wonderful to know that I didn't speak to him for so long, and he's still there. Just like my Oakley family. We didn't speak for almost 15 years, and when we started talking again, it was just like the time missed was never missed. I feel so fortunate to have the people in my life that I do at this time and place right now. I can't express how much it means to me that I know I can pick up my phone and call my family out in Oakley, or my immediate family, or my wonderful friends that I have now, and know that I will get a response. I can honestly say that is true love. Love isn't expressed by what you can have between the sheets, but how someone can listen to what you have to say, and if needed, respond. Love will also allow you to listen when they need someone to talk to too. It's kind of funny that until lately I always thought that true love is what you have with your spouse or significant other. I was wrong. The entire part of true love is how you show those around you how much you care, and respect them, and don't expect anything back but respect. Whether it be a friend, spouse, etc..

Because it's cold outside, I only went out for a short amount of time earlier and was counting the stars. There are billions upon billions out there. Just because you can only see a tiny amount of them, doesn't mean the others aren't there for you to see. Each and every one is unique. I can't judge each new star from the last one I saw. The new one might be more wonderful, more brilliant than any I've ever seen before. Even if you haven't seen some of the stars for years. You just have to look in the right direction, and you will see what is truly there for you to see. If what you see, you don't like, change yourself to make your view a better one, and don't judge from the past. You can't change anyone but yourself. Just as long as the changes you make are to make you better as a person, and make you happy, then do it. There are billions upon billions of options out there to make you happy. It's up to you to choose those that will. Don't settle for less than who you are, and strive to reach for those that will make you truly happy. Openly communicate so that there isn't any doubt as to where you are. Have patience, think first. You don't want to lose the view of a beautiful star because you didn't think before you spoke.

Love like you've never loved before, like it could disappear at any moment. Don't let love slip through your fingers. Embrace it with all you have. Even if it's the love of a friend, family member, etc just remember, no one has ever died from having too much love in their lives.

Blessed Be...

Dumb Dumb Dizzy Dizzy Dumb Dumb

Of all the "moments" in my life, I think lately I have made some interesting discoveries. I have realized that if I feel like I am losing control, I don't think, and I try to hold on with everything I have. It makes me wonder if anyone else does that. Life can throw a powerful curve ball, if we're ready for it, we can hit a home run. If we aren't, we'll strike out.

"Look inside yourself, to find you". I was told this earlier today. Sometimes I speak or act before I think, and sometimes that behavior bites me in the butt. I was also told earlier to think about what I want in life. The main thing I think everyone wants, including myself, is to be happy. The hard part is, what truly makes me happy? How many times does it take before it gets through? No more wasting time. If I could find a different path, that would lead me to something better, I guarantee I would go. A broken heart, an empty soul, the vicious cycle that makes life's miracles. In the end it makes me so much stronger. It also makes me appreciate what I have, when I have it, and to NOT push it away. Give it time.

Since I couldn't sleep I decided to get all my blankets out and go count stars. The moon is half full. As I was lying there I saw a beautiful falling star. It reminded me of the last couple days. I met a wonderful person a couple of months ago. He has spirit, a warm soul, and a beautiful heart of gold, and he helps me laugh at myself. I don't know how I got so lucky to of met him. The one thing I need to really remember is to be myself. The sad part is I think we will just be friends. Though one star fell, there are millions of others to help keep your hopes up that there will always be stars to count, and love to accept and keep.

Dream of Beautiful Things...

Diamonds in the Sky

Walking on the beach, with the beautiful baked sun.
Dreaming of sunset skies, suddenly shaping the earth.
Wishing I could fly, faithfully forward reaching for your touch, a moths wing on my lips, a warm light breeze that blazes my too long cold heart.
Set me as a seal upon your heart... as a seal upon your arm... for love is as strong as we wish it to be.
Here is the root of the root... and the bud of the bud... and the sky of the sky of a tree called life. Which grows higher than the soul can hope, or the mind can hide.
It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
Like diamonds in the sky.
I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart, as we walk on the beach, with the beautiful baked sun.

Dreaming of diamonds in the sky.

SPRING!!

With spring just around the corner, it makes me wonder, what changes will I make to my life this year. To me the year doesn't start until the snow melts, and the flowers start to come up. This year, I will be starting school again. I know, I'm old, but I've heard that it's never too late to make a good change in your life. I can't wait to experience those "firsts" this year.

One of my goals this year is to see as many different places as I can. I heard last night that there are places here in Utah that have amazing wild flower fields. I never knew that Utah had places like this, so I want to find as many as I can. I would also like to get up to Yellowstone with my daughter. I've been talking about it for so long, that if it doesn't happen this year, well, we won't go there.

Last night I was outside counting stars, the sky was a remarkable beauty. She pulled out all the stops, and let it shine. It was still cold, but I'm sure that is about to change. Just like my life. I've pulled out all the stops. I am who I am, if you don't like it, too bad. I won't change myself for you, or for anyone else. I have feelings just like everyone else, and I am no longer scared to share those feelings with those I hold dear to my heart. At least I know of one constant in my life. It doesn't matter how thick the clouds, I know my stars will always be there for me. I might lose sight of my goals, etc. but the stars will always be there, just like spring will always be right around the corner.

Falling....

With life breathing down my neck, sometimes it's harder than usual to get my thoughts together. Fear can make my tongue feel like a ton of knots that make it hard for me to say the things I would like to say. Contemplation of the "pros" and "cons" of the words I would like to say keep me from saying them. What will happen if I tell that person exactly how I feel? Rules from the past start screaming at me, telling me that it's not my place to say it.

Patience.... What a cruel word. If patience is the only thing that can be pushed into my vocabulary at this time, I guess I better take the hint. Right? I think the only thing I can be sure of lately is where I am standing. Maybe. Of all the things I am NOT sure of, the one thing I AM sure of is that I'm not going anywhere at this time. Maybe if I actually turn this one over, I might find the instructions to life, and be able to move on with out the fear of being hurt, once again.

I try so hard to not let fear control my life, but when the past keeps repeating its self, what am I to do, but sit and wait for the storm to pass? In the process of trying to NOT repeat my past mistakes, I wonder, am I sitting in a pond full of flowers, or alligators? Am I waiting for something beautiful, or am I waiting for something that will hurt me? Then again those uncertain and unfamiliar things are truly what define life's greatest moments. A first date, a first connection, a nervous question, a strong embrace, an intimate moment, a first kiss, and smiling big while thinking that no one is watching. I have certainly covered a lot of enthrawling moments that life has to offer in the last month alone.

My thoughts on telapathy keeps coming back. I would love to know exactly what is going on in the brain, but then again, maybe it's not the best source of information. Maybe I won't like what I hear.

I have a lot of questions running amok in this brain of mine today. More than usual. The truly sad part of this whole day? I don't know the outcome, I can't see into the future.

I sat outside on the trampoline last night, it was beautiful, and warm. The stars were out shining their best. I had to consider the fact that sometimes life doesn't go the way I want it to. That sometimes there are stars that will fall, and there's nothing I can do about it. Just like life. Sometimes I will fall, and there is nothing I can do about it but make it through, pick myself up, dust off, and move on. Then there are the times that I feel like life has picked me up and I am floating through a dream, only to discover that when I am pinched, it hurts. I guess it's true that dreams can come true. Right?

Patience.

MY Story

Sometimes, I just don't know where to begin with this... My thoughts are so scattered that I can't think straight. I was told that when you write things down, it helps clear your mind. I think that sometimes that works, and sometimes it just adds to the thoughts.


From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til you make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care.





Fear is such a huge word. I tried to keep track of how many times I used the word fear in a conversation I was having earlier. I lost track after about 15-20 times. Why is fear such a powerful emotion? I think I should also add humiliation. I can't tell you how many times in a day I put my foot in my mouth. In this particular conversation from earlier, I was using the word fear, in place of being brave. The phrase "I am so scared of being hurt again," came out of my mouth so many times, that I think it has placed a block on my heart again. I used to have a hard time being myself around new people, now I don't care. If you don't like me for who I am, don't talk to me. The sad part? I think it all boils down to - I still have a fear of being alone.





The future belongs to those who can embrace it. Life is so confusing at times. One minute I know exactly what I want, then something happens and I lose sight of what it is I originally wanted. I have almost 3 1/2 yrs of sobriety, and to be quite honest, I never knew I would make it this far. Of all the trials I have gone through, I can honestly say that trials of the heart are more troublesome than addiction. I think that with my heart being up on the chopping block so much in the last year alone, it has become a problem so that every time I turn around, my heart is being broke all over again. I know that I put my heart out there so fast that it's crazy. I just wish I could let go of the fear of being alone. That way I might not jump without looking first.





I was told in the past, that feelings equal drama or lies. I see now, that isn't true. Feelings are a validation of being human. Feelings are who you are. I have learned that if someone can't handle how I feel, no, I'm not lying, or being dramatic, I'm just telling you how I feel.





To make more sense of what I am writing, I'll tell you where the whole feelings = lying, came from. Before I gave up on making my marriage work, we tried counseling. During a very eventful session, the counselor asked me how I felt. So I started telling the counselor and my now ex-husband, how I felt. About 30 seconds into me telling them how I felt, my ex decided to interrupt and tell the counselor that I was lying. The counselor tried to tell my ex that expressing my feelings doesn't mean that I am lying, and that it's ok for me to feel neglected, etc... My ex decided that he'd had enough. He stood up told us both to f-off, and walked out of the office. I sat there for a complete 20 seconds before the counselor told me that for the first time in 15 yrs of marriage counseling, he had finally seen a marriage that will never work. So I appologized for wasting his time and left.





You would think that with that as evidence that my feelings are true, and not a lie, I would be able to express them a lot easier. Not true. In the course of almost 10 yrs since my divorce, I have been with guys that have told me the same thing. Like I said earlier in this post, humiliation is a hard emotion to conquer. The sad part, is that sometimes, a person's feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you. Sometimes a person's feelings are just what they are feeling at that time. I think that once the rest of the population figures this out, there won't be any more problems. I have a hard time understanding why a person gets humiliated from another's feelings, but I have proof that it exists.





I was going through my journal once again, and the first couple of times I read through it, I was actually embarassed at some of the things I wrote. (thank god I'm the only one who will ever read it) Then I read through it a couple more times, and to be quite honest, I have nothing to be embarassed about. It wasn't necesarily the person, or the situation I was writing about. If I look closely, it's the feeling, the emotion, or lack of either at that time. It is so amazing what can happen and a person can live through.





I can say that I am amazed at who I have become in the last year. I have grown so much to become who I am. Every feeling that I get, I haven't missed life yet. Only when I stop to think about it. I realize how fortunate I really am. Without imagination, nothing is too dangerous. You can not know what you can not feel. There are two ways of spreading light... To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects the candle. Love life the way you should be loved.





I haven't been able to go out and count stars. The weather really is killing me lately. I can't wait for spring.


You know, I don't have any more answers than anyone else. I am as scared as anyone else of just going through the motions in life, of not getting anywhere. All I know is that time really is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along. raise your hand if you want to look back on your years and wonder where they have gone. You have to carpe the diem. That is what I hope for myself, as I live. I know it doesn't matter if I think I'm good enough or not, this is me, and that's why this is called MY story. Love is worth nothing if you don't have the patience to go with it.





Live life to the fullest.


Love life with the mostest


Love yourself with unselfishness


And enjoy the reward of a happy fulfilled life.

Don't Put A Label on ME!!

From a shattered heart, to a healing one, the tingle of pain is still there. I'm not sure of much, but I am sure of the stars. I started this blog because I had to get out all my thoughts on life that would pop up in my head when I am out counting stars. I want, what I want. Too bad life doesn't work that way. The "fake it til ya make it" keeps coming into my head lately. I was told to just be myself. I'm getting closer to who I think I am, but I always slip and hide myself. More out of fear than anything else. I know that if people can't accept me for who I am, that's their problem, right? I wish. I don't know why, but I really do worry about what people think of me. I guess that's why I started this blog. I put all that I am out here, and if people don't like it. For some crazy reason, I don't care anymore.

It's funny to think that in the past all I ever worried about was what people thought of me. My own self-worth was counted on their opinion of who and what I was.

It's amazing that starting school has done more for me in the past couple of weeks, than I ever though it would. The classes that I have are truly amazing classes. My Strategies class is to teach me how to accept who I am and to be proud of it. My Ethics class is to teach me about my own morals and the morals of the world. My Psychology class is teaching me how other people act, and how I can accept their behaviors. My Public Speaking class is teaching me how to let go of the fear of being center of attention. In each of my classes I have learned SO much already, and it's just beginning...

I noticed in almost all my older posts, I have mentioned meeting new people, some good, some I wish I could forget that I ever met them. Again, I am posting on the people I have met in the last little while. There are some truly amazing people out there, and in the last little while, I have met a good portion of them. I think that no matter the situation, the only way you can move on in life is to look at the person as a whole, not as an outward appearance. I have always thought that the true person lies inside of the shell, I now know that this is true. I just hope that others will give me the same and get to know me before they judge me.

In the past I have been so insecure that it has completely destroyed my past relationships. Whenever a relationship didn't work, the first thing I said was, "what is wrong with me?" When in reality, I should of just realized that it just didn't work out. It wasn't necessarily something I did, or something that he did. It just didn't work out. Finally I have it figured out that no matter how much I like the guy, if he doesn't want what I want, I can't keep stressing about it not working out, and just move on. Sometimes being a friend is better than nothing.

I haven't been able to go out and count stars a whole lot lately, mainly because of the weather, and second, because the trampoline got hit with a huge tree, and hasn't been fixed yet. I know that summer is on it's way with the way the weather has been behaving. At least I have that to look forward to. So even though I haven't seen my stars a whole lot lately, it doesn't mean I don't realize that they are there for me, no matter the situation, they will always be there for me. Just like my friends and family. Even those who have become important parts of my life lately. I love my stars, just as I love my friends and family. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have them.

Love life to the fullest, and enjoy the rewards of a happy fulfilled life, full of love.

When It's Too Cold....

I was asked the other day why I haven't been typing on my blog. I honestly think that it's because it's too cold outside, and I get most of my inspiration from counting stars. It's amazing what can happen in a couple of months. I have met more wonderful people, and honestly it took me a minute to relax and smell the snow.

I was talking to someone very close to me, and we were talking about how far I've come in almost a year. I had no clue who I was when I pulled my head out of the water. I don't know if I ever really did know who I was, but I always have that quote "fake it til you make it" in my head. I don't think I need to fake it anymore. If you don't like me for who I am, then leave.

I have had people tell me that I'm too abrasive. I'm not, promise. I'm just honest. One of the human's hardest emotions to deal with is humiliation. I am amazed on a daily basis on how many times I see humiliation and how people try to ignore the fact that they've been humiliated by their own behavior. Instead they try to blame what ever the situation is, on someone close by. Unfortunately, I've been that close person one too many times. I'm done!

Every year on New Year's, I make a resolution to myself to make one thing better in my life. I figure since I have an entire year, why not? This year I decided to break my own tradition, and not make a resolution. Why? I don't really know why. I've always reached my old resolutions. I think since last year was such a terrible year, I'm not looking to repeat it any time soon. I finally agree with the saying "time heals all wounds" but I sure wouldn't miss those wounds at all if they chose to no longer visit me.

I may not go to church every week, but I do believe in a "Higher Power". I have realized that the times when I thought my heart couldn't take any more, there was always someone there. I have never been alone in my entire life. And I thank God for that. The heart and the brain are both very powerful. The heart can take the most brutal hit, stab, etc... and still be able to function. The brain can help the heart through those tough times. The brain is what tells your entire being, who you want to be, and how you want to go about being that person. The brain can make you either happy or sad, help you through an important test, etc. I think the most important things my brain has succeeded in doing are, making it so I can cope with loss, and making it so I can conquer addiction.

Once again you have had to deal with my sporadic brain. I don't apologize. If you don't like how scattered my thoughts are, don't read my blog. I'll still love you anyway. And I know this one is short, but my brain is telling me it's time to go to sleep.

I actually went outside tonight with my 3 comforters, my heat blanket, and laid down on the trampoline (thank god it was mostly dry) to count stars. It was pretty cold, but it was worth it. I missed my stars. Just like I missed me. I finally found myself, and I am damn proud with who I am. I learn new things every day, and those are the life lessons that make me who I am.

Must I Have a Shattered Heart?

Take the time to think. Take the time to feel. You can see my heart. I am so terrified. I have almost given up hope. I know that this could be something. Everything we do and words we say just take my breath away. And now I'm left with nothing. I remember the look on your face made it hard to breathe. So I close my eyes and drift away. And dream of a time when I was in control of my heart.
The first brush stroke is solid. The second falls between another page of the life that was almost hers. That one phone call was the one what shattered her heart. She dropped the phone in disbelief. She couldn't believe that this could be happening to her again. How is it, that the pain settles upon her shattered heart and will not move?
Nothing about you is predictable, you got me all twisted and confused. Up until now I thought I knew love. Pleasures are burning. Love I can see, nothing will be just like it was. A sweet surprise that I can get used to. I give you all the love that I can give. I gave you all that I had inside. I keep trying for you. This is no ordinary love.... Didn't I tell you what would happen? Didn't I tell you that you would shatter my heart? This is no ordinary love. She's falling........
I want to believe. I want to hope. I want to feel the love that I know we can have. Why are you scared? What can I do? I want you to open up and be with me. I don't know how I can cure the pain that has been presented to you in the past. I know it's there. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. Please tell me what I can do to help you.
She picked up the phone with that disbelief still in her heart. How can this happen again? Why does she keep putting herself into these type of situations? Why is she so insecure? All she has ever wanted was to be loved. Her pain is glowing inside her. Her heart is shattered. Will it ever be repaired? She holds the last rose in her hand, with a velvet kiss, she has been destroyed. Will this ever end? She closes her blind eyes to the past, and is fascinated by the future. All she can do is move forward, fearlessly. She can hide the pain. She can do this.
In the meadow of her dreams, she can have the love she craves. A piece of paper isn't what is needed for her. Just the knowledge that love does exist. She brushes the tall waving grass with her hands. She can feel the love all around her. The silver band of life is taking over her heart. This is her place where she can dream freely. This is her place. Until the day that she feels she can trust again with her heart, this is where she will stay. Until the day that her shattered heart is healed, she will be. Until the day that she can share with her one true heart, she will be imprisoned. Alone. But in the back of her mind, she always wonders where he is, what he is doing, and is he thinking of her the way she thinks of him...
Do not fear the heart, for it will never stray you wrong. Knowing what I feel when I am with you, I know that the future can be ours. Please don't forget about our time together while we are apart. Remember the sparks, the electricity. Don't forget me. Please.

Sealed with a Kiss...

This is the month of Thanks. The last couple days have really reminded me that there are so many things that I have in my life that I am grateful for. Soooo I guess I need to put some of them down. If I were to put all of them, I would be here all year. So here goes.....

1~ My health. I am so grateful that I was able to conquer addiction. Even though it is a daily battle, I am grateful that I have the strength to resist temptation. I am grateful that I can ride a bike, that I can smile and mean it, that I can work. I am grateful that I can see the beautiful sun the moon and the stars, smell the beautiful flowers, feel (with heart and touch) to feel the sweet kisses, and to hear the sound of my daughters musical laughter and the sound of someone who cares. I am grateful to be alive.

2~ My heart. I know that this is an odd one to put down, but I'll explain. I am grateful for my heart, for it allows me to love. It allows me to cherish the memories of sweet oblivion that I have experienced. It allows me to feel pain. To help me remember my past mistakes and to be able to grow from those experiences. It helps me know that there is love out there for me. It gives me a jolt when there is something exciting. Like seeing a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. Or the butterflies it gives me when I feel something that needs to be cherished. It tells me when my daughter needs me.

~3 My family. I have the most wonderful family. They have always been there, even when I didn't want them there, they were. I love my family with every cell in my body. I love you, thank you. To my Mom, you are the light that has always brought me home. You always question if you raised me right, I am here to tell you that you did. I am a stronger person for the trials that I have been through, and if you hadn't pushed me, I know I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you. To my Dad, you are the one who has taught me to not judge, to not be a hypocrite, and to love unconditionally. Thank you. To my Sister, you are the one who was always pushing when I didn't want to be pushed. It made me think about my life. Where I was and what I wanted out of it. Thank you. To my Brother, you have no idea how much I look up to you. I will always remember your blessing you gave me when I needed it most. You have always been there for me. Your hugs are so warm. Thank you. To my Brother-in-Law, you showed me how to conquer a trial. You proved to me that it is possible to be strong enough. Thank you for always talking to me, even if it was something off the wall. I am so proud of you. Thank you. To my Sister-in-Law, you have shown me that there is time for second chances. I am so happy that I have gotten you in my life. You have shown me that creativity comes from the heart, and that nothing but myself can make my creativity beautiful. Thank you. To my Aunt, thank you. You will never know the gratitude I have for you. You have given me so much. I don't know that I will ever be able to re-pay you, but I sure will try. Thank you for being home when I get home, thank you for your hugs when I am down. Thank you for your love. Thank you.

~4 My Daughter. There are so many things that I can put down for you. My little butterbean. Thank you for your love, your smiles, your hugs. I love you more than my own life. I am so grateful that God gave you to me. I was lost until you came into my life. Thank you for telling me that I'm not old until I can't smile anymore. Thank you for jumping on the trampoline with me, thank you for making me laugh when I'm down. Thank you for being you. You are such a beautiful girl. I am honored to be your Mommacita. I love you butterbean.

~5 My life. I know there are so many times that I have wondered why I have to live this life. But as I look back, the times that I didn't think I would make it to the next day are the ones that I am truly grateful for. It shows me that I can make it through thick and thin, and move on with a smile, and love in my heart.

~6 My friends. Thank you so much for always being there with a warm heart, and an open mind. I know that some of my ideas and thoughts about life are a little skewed, but you always were there for me, even when I didn't see you for years, I always knew that when I saw you again, you would be there for me. I have no idea how I have gotten the wonderful friends that I have, and I am truly grateful for each and everyone of you. Thank you, I love you.

~7 God. Thank you for the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars. Thank you for my life. My love is yours.

I could keep going, but I think I have covered the most of it. There are so many things that I take for granted each and every day of my life. I have recently had the opportunity to spend time with a cancer patient. She is on the last couple of months of her life, and she still has a smile. I can't imagine the courage that she has. I am so grateful for my life. I know I keep repeating myself, but honestly, I just want everyone to know how incredibly grateful I am to be where I am, with who I am with, with the heart that I have.

Last night I was counting stars outside on the trampoline with my many blankets, and wondering where the time has gone. I thought about the meteor shower from a couple nights before. I saw the most amazing meteor I think I will ever see in my life. It just goes to show that there are always little surprises in life. You don't think that they are there, until you open your eyes, and your heart to truly see what you have. The stars are only a beginning of my gratitude. When I look to the sky and see how many there are, and realize that I can only see a small portion of what is actually there, my gratitude is just the same. I am grateful that I can now seal my heart with a warm kiss.